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Fuck it. Nate isn’t mine, and I’m not going to waste this opportunity with Josh. He’s a good guy no matter what the police report says. I roll and pull him on top of me, letting him crush me into the couch. His lips drop to my neck, and I stare at the ceiling, concentrating on his mouth and the growing heat low in my stomach. The way it licks against my insides with the heat of desire. I press my body up into his and try to stop thinking. I want to feel sensations and become a wild thing.
I arch my back into him as his lips find my breast. He tugs and teases me, the kisses growing hotter with every passing moment. The urgency of the kiss is blinding, and I know what’s coming next. His hand lowers across my stomach and dips into my panties. I feel him there, ready to see how wet I am, how much I want him—and I do—that part is there. It’s the rest of me that’s completely crazy. Our bodies are covered in sweat. I’ve been trying so hard to keep going, to keep pushing Josh on, but now I want to pull away. I feel like a tease, but this was a mistake.
I can’t. My mind spews fragmented thoughts at me, stuttering internally in a frightened spasm.
I finally blurt out, “STOP! I can’t do this. I can’t. I love him.” The realization is like being doused with ice water. I gasp and freeze in his arms.
Josh’s hand stops and he lifts his body off of mine to peer down at me. “Kerry, you love him?”
I nod quickly and feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I say that to another guy? Horrified, I try to pull his lips down on mine. I’ll pretend like it never happened, but Josh pulls away with a smile on his face.
“Are you trying to avoid your feelings for this guy by fucking me?” Josh raises a single eyebrow and then laughs when I don’t answer. He moves off of me and offers a hand, pulling me up into a sitting position.
My heart is hammering hard in my chest and at some point, my arms move to cover my chest. Josh pads out of the room, almost immediately returning dressed in a fluffy white robe and offering an identical robe to me. “Here, put this on.”
I wrap the fuzzy fabric around me and tie the belt tight before plopping down on the couch next to Josh. I lean to the side and rest my head on his shoulder. “I want to cry.”
“Go ahead. I can’t imagine how torn you’ve got to feel inside to do something like this.”
I squeeze my eyelids together hard and try to speak. It takes a few tries, but I manage, “I didn’t know how I felt. I thought it was a fling. We were fuckbuddies, Josh. How did this happen?”
I feel him laugh lightly, and his hand strokes my hair. “I don’t know.” His voice is soft, and I know he wanted this—he wanted me. Instead, he kisses the top of my head like a brother and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Thanks, by the way.”
I glance up at him, puzzled. “For what? For teasing the crap out of you and not following through?” I feel really bad about that. I frown without meaning to.
He smiles at me and shakes his head. “No, for showing me I can stop even when I’m ready to, well, you know.”
“Fuck me?”
“You’re so crass.” His grin fades, and he pulls away from me and looks down at my face. “Oh, God! That’s why you’re so confused. You thought you were screwing around with that guy, but you weren’t, were you? It wasn’t fucking. It was much more—you guys have been making love.”
I shudder. “I hate that phrase.”
“It is what it is, Kerry. You seriously didn’t know?”
I shake my head. “I thought it was just passionate and over the top. I made sure nothing was slow. There was no time to think about anything. When I’m with him, I can’t think at all.”
Josh laughs as if he knows something I don’t. “I thought you’ve been in love before? How did you miss this? It’s not lust when your mind lingers on one person, and they’re all you can think about—even when you’re fucking someone else.”
A blush makes me turn bright red. “I didn’t know. It was never like this with Matt. It was nice, comforting, and sweet. This is totally different, so I didn’t see it coming.”
Josh nods knowingly. “Yeah, love is a bitch. She sneaks up on you when you least expect it.”
Glancing over at him, I can see that lost expression on Josh’s face like he's remembering something from a long time ago. “You loved her, didn’t you?”
He nods. “The stories about us are just that—tales to cover up what really happened. She met Carter first, and they started going out. It wasn’t serious in the beginning. When she’d come over to wait for Carter to get out of class or whatever, we’d talk. I found myself wanting to speak with her more and hear her opinions on just about everything. That woman was a spark of light in a meaningless existence. Carter didn’t see that about her.”
“But you did.”
He nods slow
ly, careful not to look my way. He stares at his hands as he speaks. “Her affections shifted at some point, and I said no. I didn't want to be the guy who steals his best friend's girl. We tried to stay apart, but, one night, things got out of hand. I’d been at a party and came home drunk to her waiting for Carter. I fell down next to her on the couch and started talking like we always did.” He suddenly stops speaking and swallows hard.
“You kissed her?”
“She kissed me, but I didn’t stop her. Carter walked in on us lip-locked, and it looked so much worse than it was. It was only a kiss, but the tension between us was over the top. There was no way not to notice, so he assumed there’d been more going on. Carter stormed out, and left me with his girlfriend crying on my couch. What was I supposed to do? Toss her out?”
“So, what happened?”
