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When I was three, I fell into a lake in the winter. We went to a dock where you could throw bread crusts to ducks and geese—me and my two older sisters with my dad—and I think Dad must have taken his eyes off me for a second too long.

I remember fear when I backed away from something that scared me.

I remember surprise when I fell.

I don’t remember being afraid in the water. Only sinking into a cold so absolute, a descent so inevitable, that I accepted it.

That’s what this is like. I know it’s happening. I know I’m angry. I know my hands are shaking, and I’m nauseated. But all of that is as unimportant as the frantic shouting of my sisters muffled by the water.

I’m cold.

Encased.

Sinking.

I drift without moving as the sounds she makes become more frantic.

We could compare notes.

Is he doing that thing with his tongue, Mrs. Tomlinson?

Oh, he must have just scissored his fingers. That gets me, too.

How many times have you done this? Did it start when he was your caddy?

How old was he then? How many different ways did you use him?

He’s using you now.

They aren’t my thoughts.

It’s not my own ironic detachment, it’s just a random defense. A mouthy guard at the door. The real me is awash in rage and shame and sorrow so deep I’m not even allowed access to it.

I have to sink away. Let the water take me.

I’m annoyed when my phone vibrates in my hand. I glance at the screen and see that I have new texts from my dad and West.

In funeral home office, West’s first text says.

I’m going to be a few minutes still.

Wrapping things up w/ director.

If we were inside the funeral home, I’d have to feel something right now. That’s what they’re for, these places we create to receive grief, to allow it and mute it at the same time.

But in the cab of this truck, drifting down into the cold with the scent of tobacco in my veins, I’m protected from having to feel. Suspended, for now.

I read the texts from my dad while West brings Mrs. Tomlinson to orgasm.

I love you too, C.

What’s the word there—any idea when you’ll be home?

A third one arrives.

Let me know when, I’ll pick you up.

She’s noi

Source: www.allfreenovel.com
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