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Chapter Twenty-One
Violet
I barely have the energy to stand, much less finish washing up. Ethan keeps his arms around my waist. His touch is sweet and affectionate as he shampoos and conditions my hair, runs soap over every inch of my body, and rinses me off.
This, Ethan holding me with all the affection in the world, is everything I wanted.
No, it's still everything I want.
I try to push my thoughts out of my mind. I'm too tired to think. I want to feel.
Ethan wraps a towel around my chest, finishes stripping to nothing, and leads me to the bed. He nestles into the spot behind me, his hard body warm against mine.
His arm goes to my waist. He pulls me closer. My towel is in the way of our torsos connecting, but I can feel his hands, his chest, his legs, his breath on my neck, his lips brushing my ears.
I can feel his heartbeat.
It's steady.
His breath too.
My heart is in overdrive. I take a long, slow breath, hold it for as long as I can, exhale as slowly as I can. He's calm, at peace, like he's exactly where he belongs.
Something stirs in my chest. It's not lust. It's not fun. It's not even close to platonic.
I remind myself about our arrangement—one week of fun, then we both walk. I can't get mixed up. I can't fall for Ethan. He's here with me now, yeah, but he's not going to stick around when I'm back in school. He's not going to rearrange his life for me.
He's going to do what he did last time. He's going to throw me away as soon as I'm inconvenient.
Damn, I can't do this. I can't fall in love with Ethan. I can't hand him my heart.
This needs to stay fun.
I take another deep breath, but that does nothing to soothe me. It feels good being in his arms. It's everything I ever wanted. Everything I still want.
My eyes go to the clock. We're into evening now. That buys me something. I try to keep my voice steady, so I won't give away how terrified I am of my feelings for him. "Don't you have to go to the sound check?"
"Mal's going to fill in for me."
"At the show?"
"No." He runs his fingers through my hair. "He would, but he can't play rhythm and lead at the same time."
"Oh." My attempts to breathe steadily aren't working. Ethan is staying with me instead of going to the sound check. That's not like him.
No, it's only a sound check. It's not like he's skipping the show or even practice. There's no reason why he has to be at the sound check.
It doesn't mean anything.
He presses his palm against my shoulder. "I have another few hours." His lips hover over my ear. "I can go if you want to be alone."
I play with the threads of the towel. I don't want to be alone. Not now, not later, not when I get back to New York.
But I only get Ethan now. I can't get ideas about later.
Later isn't happening.
I need to move this back to sex and fun or my ideas about later are going to build to engagement rings, ivory dresses, and frolicking on the beach in Hawaii.
