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"What does it mean?"
"I'll get there." He takes my hand. "I promise. But give me a minute."
I nod. A minute is too long. A second is too long. All this air between us—it's too much. But I need to hear everything.
"Your mom and I talked."
"Oh. You told her?"
"Not everything. But I will. We agreed that you and Em should move in together. If you want."
Me and Em with our own place? We always talked about that. But once I started working, I realized it would be forever before I could afford it.
"Emma refused to let me cover her half."
"Of course."
"Your Mom... Your grandma took out a life insurance policy awhile back. It's a few hundred thousand dollars. And you're the sole beneficiary."
"What?"
"She wanted to make sure you'd have enough to study whatever you wanted."
"Oh."
"I tried to get your old place back, but the subletor refused to leave before the lease is up. It can be yours next September. But I figured you'd rather find one place and make it home."
I nod.
"I found you two a place. It's in Santa Monica. It's halfway between the beach and SMC. If you'd rather save everything, I can find you a cheaper place." He pulls out his cell and hands it to me.
I flip through the pictures of the apartment. It's small, but it's nice. Big windows. Hardwood floors. Two little bedrooms. A balcony. An ocean view if you look from just the right angle.
"It's yours if you want it."
I nod. "I do."
"And I..." He stares back into my eyes. "That night Emma found out, she said something—"
"Said?"
"Yelled something that stuck with me. I'm supposed to protect you from guys like me."
"But you—"
"Let me finish." His voice is strong. Even. Sure.
But I can't wait.
I need to know that he's mine.
I force myself to nod.
"I couldn't stop thinking about it. I've believed that I'm no good for a long time. My mom made sure of it. That was why I tried to stay away from you, Kay. Not just because you were young or because you were Emma's friend or because it would fuck up everything in my life. Because I didn't want to hurt you."
Words claw at my throat. Somehow, I manage to nod instead of speaking.
"But the more time I spent with you, the more I wanted to peel back all your walls. I wanted to find the things that hurt you and destroy them. I wanted your heart."
