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He repeatedly hit the door, his open palm connecting with the surface with such hard slaps that it should have hurt him. “Help me, help. Please, don’t leave me here.”
Maddox scratched at the door, as if he was trying to rip it free from its hinges. He was trying to break through. His fingers clenched into tights fist as he started banging on the door, violently. His screams echoed through my ears, and my heart thudded hard against my ribcage, I felt his pain. His agony was a reminder of my own silent suffering.
“I can’t… I can’t breathe. I can’t,” he whimpered, his voice cracking.
Thump – thump – thump.
“This is what death feels like, and you’re going to die alone,” a voice whispered in my ears.
My lips parted with a silent cry as I fought to breathe, but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t.
My breath came out in sharp, hallow panting, and my vision grew darker and blurred. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed down on my eyelids. A kaleidoscopic of stars fluttered behind my closed eyes. Help me, help. Please, help me.
I thought maybe I was having a heart attack; yet, there was no physical pain. But my whole body vibrated, my skin crawled like I was picking apart my flesh and trying to jump out of my skin.
“This is what death feels like.”
I can’t breathe.
Help me.
“Help me,” Maddox screamed.
My thoughts fluttered away, and my heart kicked in my chest, pushing me forward. I snapped out of my frozen state and rushed to his side, my own hands trembling. “Maddox,” I said softly, trying to break through his madness. “Maddox, please.”
He banged on the door harder, and I noticed his knuckles had been split open from his attempts to break free from the storage room. Oh God, he was hurting himself. “Maddox!” I said louder, grabbing his arms and trying to pull him away from the door. He resisted and shook me off him.
“Maddox, no! Please. Don’t do that. You’re hurting yourself. Just…” I scrambled, trying to figure out what to do, what to say, so I could break through to him, reach Maddox in the place where he was lost. I had to pull him out.
“I need to get out. I need to get out. Get me out of here!” His fist pounded continuously on the door, a sob racking through his body. His voice was hoarse as he screamed brokenly. “Get me away from here. Get me out of here. I need to get out… I can’t breathe! I need to get out.”
He went to punch the door again, but I grabbed his fist, holding his hand in my own. It was a risk. I knew he was so lost in his head that he could have hurt me. Unintentionally. But it was important for him not to hurt himself.
It was becoming clearer that he was suffering from a panic attack. I knew exactly what it looked it, what it felt like.
“Please,” he whimpered. “Get me out of here. Please. Please. Please. Please.”
I held back a choked sob as he started pleading, each word spilling out of his mouth like a goddamn arrow straight to my heart. I bled for him.
He started mumbling something I couldn’t hear, his breathing ragged and loud as he struggled to breathe.
When he realized he couldn’t break free, Maddox crouched down, his head dropping to his hands as he fisted his hair, pulling at the strands. The mumbling under his breath grew louder as he shook his head back and forth. “Please, please. I need to get out. Help…Help me…Please.”
My chest grew tight at the sight of him like this.
My knees weakened. When I couldn’t hold myself upright any longer, I knelt down beside his trembling form. My hand landed on his chest to feel his heart pounding, hard and erratic, as if it was beating right out of his chest. His shirt was drenched with sweat, sticking to his body like a second skin.
I knew what it felt like to suffer like this. Chest caving in, all the air being sucked out from your lungs, a fist clenching your heart so tight, blood rushing through your ears, your lungs can’t seem to work properly and then it happens… suffocation. The need to crawl out of your skin, as if your body is not your own anymore, chasing an escape you couldn’t even see through the fog.
The tremors kicked in and Maddox started shaking. It started with his hands before his whole body quaked as he struggled to do a simple thing as inhale and exhale.
I had to get him to breathe first, it was the only way to ground him into the present, to bring him back from wherever he was lost inside his head.
Maddox held his head in his hands, his body rocking back and forth. “No, no, no. Please. Please,” he begged.
