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My fist pounded at his hard chest. “Why?”
Maybe I was screaming…maybe I was crying…maybe I was still dreaming…still lost…still there, in my room.
Viktor’s silence made me angrier. “Say something, damn it!”
His jaw ticked, his lips parted, his eyes darkened. He looked lost, he looked just as broken as me.
“I am…sorry.”
A tear slid down his cheek. A lone tear. “I had to make a choice, Valerie.”
Our foreheads touched.
“I want to hate you,” I said, the words tasting bitter on my lips.
“Please…” Viktor begged. I didn’t know for what. Absolution? Redemption?
“I want to…but I can’t. I can’t because I still love you. But it hurts…it hurts to look at you. Your face is a cruel reminder. It hurts to breathe. It hurts so much.”
Viktor clenched his eyes closed. He gritted his teeth, pain masking his features. “I had to make a choice. You or her? I couldn’t save both. You. Know. That. You fucking saw that death was staring back at us, Valerie. Time ran out. I had no choice.”
Pushing away from his lap, I stood up. His eyes snapped open. He reached for me again, but I shook my head. There was nobody else in the private plane. Just us. Before Viktor’s eyes, I hastily ripped at my dress until I was standing there with only my panties and bra.
Viktor’s fist clenched on his thighs, but he stayed still and quiet. I palmed my lower stomach and rubbed the faint lines there. “Do you know how I got these?”
Viktor frowned in confusion. The stretch marks were very faint. I only had a few but they were there. But just an inch above my pelvis, there was a faint line. A cut that had faded over time but the sorrow it brought me, it still laid heavy over my heart.
Pain choked my throat, threatening to close it up completely. My stomach churned, agony twisting my insides. “I was pregnant once,” I said, looking at my flat stomach. “Valentin wanted an heir and he was successful. He was happy.”
I looked back at Viktor and saw the transformation in his expression. He looked in shock and then horrified.
“I gave birth to a son,” I whispered, rubbing my fingers over the stretch marks, thinking back to that day.
Our eyes met. Mine unfocused, his—full of pain.
“He never let out his first cry…” My voice cracked. “I sat there, waiting for my baby to cry. To hear his little sound. He never took his first breath…”
Viktor leaned forward, his face dropping into his hands. His shoulders shook, almost violently. I didn’t hear it, but I knew—he was crying. His silent cries knocked at my already withered heart. My breath slammed to my throat and I choked on it.
Everything hurt. My legs trembled as I forced myself to keep standing, to keep talking. To relive my past in the most harrowing way. It plagued me, taunted me. The past whispered in my ears. The memories held onto my body, pulling me down from its excruciating weight.
“I gave birth to a stillborn. I begged them to…let me…hold him. Just once. I just…wanted to hold…my son.”
My stomach clenched, thinking about the past I had tried so hard to bury. “Valentin was so angry. He ordered them to take him away. No matter how loud I cried, no matter how much I begged…they didn’t let me hold him. I tried to reach for him. I was bleeding and weak, but they took him away. I never had…a chance to even look at my son.”
I moved forward and gripped Viktor’s hand. Cupping his cheeks, I made him look at me. “Do you see, Viktor? I have lost so much.”
His dark eyes were filled with tears, and I fell to my knees. “My family…dancing…my baby…my friend.”
His lips parted and he said my name. “Valerie.”
“I have lost so much,” I cried, deep and raw. My chest heaved, choked sobs hurting my lungs. “Again and again. It never ends. It’s a continuous circle. When will it end, Viktor? Tell me. When will it end…when will I stop losing those I love?”
I crumpled to the ground, my arms wrapped around my stomach, and I sank lower, curling into myself.
Darkness enveloped me. I felt Viktor holding me. I felt his warmth seeping into my pores, but it wasn’t enough.
I was still so cold.
I never thought it’d be warm again.
Chapter 31
Viktor
Death had stared into my eyes many times. I had felt pain before, but never like this. Anger held me captive. Grief shackled me down.
The sound of Valerie’s cries—it made me weak.
The plane had just landed. Valerie woke up twice, both times screaming from a nightmare. I knew what she was seeing…I’d see the same thing every time I closed my eyes too.
I rubbed a hand over my face. Exhaustion weakened my bones and my body was just surviving on instinct now.
