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Maddie handed the baby back to his mother. Ayla brought her precious bundle closer to her chest. Envy sliced through me before I quickly squashed it down. “Do you guys want to know his name?” she asked tiredly.
“That’s what we’re all waiting for,” Phoenix replied. “Dying of suspense here.”
Ayla and Alessio looked at each other, smiling. For a brief moment, it seemed that the world disappeared for them. They drowned in each other, and nothing else mattered. It was beautiful to watch. Them being so in love.
“Xander Alessio Ivanshov.”
Beautiful.
“It means to defend,” I whispered. “A protector.”
Ayla nodded, a smile splitting her lips and her whole face lighting up like the stars under the dark sky.
“A strong name, indeed,” another voice joined. Lyov Ivanshov.
“It’s perfect for a future King.” That was from Isaak, Viktor’s father.
“I love it!” Maddie agreed. She looked like she wanted to steal the baby out of Ayla’s grasp once again. Her excitement was undeniable.
One by one, the last two weeks, I met the rest of the family. Over dinners, we’d talk here and there. It was easy to feel comfortable with them when they were so welcoming. Especially Ayla, Maddie, and Lena. I wasn’t left alone much. Little Maila stole my heart too.
I looked around the room, full of people congratulating the new parents. They were all here. This was a family. I knew most of them were not blood related, but their bond made them a family.
Tears stung my eyes, and Viktor’s hold tightened on my hand.
I was part of this family…
I belonged here. With Viktor. With them. I was loved.
Yet…why did I feel so lost?
My lungs squeezed and my stomach twisted. A feeling of emptiness echoed through my soul.
Why was I so scared to…feel happy?
***
I felt a presence coming closer to me. Standing still, I refused to acknowledge whoever it was. From the corner of my eye, I saw it was Ayla. She had a silk purple robe on, with baby Xander cuddled to her chest. His eyes were closed as he quietly nursed, his chubby cheeks hollowing as he suckled. He really was the cutest thing ever.
Ayla and I stood together silently, both of us staring into the night. A light breeze encompassed the balcony as we stood outside. Crickets could be heard, the moon shone in the darkened skies, and the stars lit its path. The moon and the stars had the same story. The light to the darkness, while holding cracks of their own. Yet all we’d see was beauty. Our eyes didn’t acknowledge their flaws.
How ironic it was.
“Can’t sleep?” Ayla broke the silence first.
“Not really,” I sighed.
“You can talk to me if you want. You know that.”
My lips pressed together, and I closed my eyes. How…how do I tell her…when I didn’t know what I was feeling myself?
I wanted to say I was okay…but I wasn’t.
I was happy…but I also wasn’t.
The mix of emotions boiled inside of me, and I feared it’d spill over and burn everyone in its path.
How could I explain it, how could I explain what I didn’t even know myself…the inexplicable? Rubbing my closed eyes, I tried to suppress the groan of frustration.
“You’re hurting. Viktor is hurting,” Ayla whispered.
My eyes snapped open, and I faced her. The breeze blew a little harder, messing our hair. I tucked my wild tresses behind my ears. “He spoke with you?”
Ayla shook her head, slightly bouncing baby Xander in her arms at the same time. “No. He doesn’t have to. I can see it on his face.”
I sucked at my bottom lip and swallowed the lump in my throat. “You know him a lot.” I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but there was a hard edge in my voice. Even I heard it. Ayla did too.
Nobody spoke to the Queen in that tone. Not even if it wasn’t intentional.
But Ayla didn’t indulge in it. “I know him, yes. But I also know pain when I see it. Right now, it’s reflecting in your eyes. The same look I see in his.”
“You don’t understand…”
“Don’t I?” Ayla said softly. “I think I understand very well. I know how hard it is to leave the past behind. I know how hard it is to let go, to move on, to heal…”
I wrapped my fingers around the railing of the balcony. My hold tightened until my knuckles turned white and numb. “Viktor told us what happened. Back in Russia, when you two were escaping. He told us about Erik and your…friend.”
I sucked in a hard breath and released a shuddering exhale. God. It hurt. It hurt so…so much. My lungs were burning, and I had to bite on my lips to keep from sobbing out.
“Irina…was my…only friend.” My voice cracked over each word, and the unshed tears stung my eyes even more. I blinked, trying to clear my blurred vision, but the salty droplets ended up on my cheeks instead, causing a wet, lonely trail.
