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“I know,” Ayla responded, her voice filled with sympathy. “It’s hard to lose the ones you love deeply.”
“Have you…ever lost someone?”
Ayla’s arm instinctively clenched around her son, and her eyes darkened. Baby Xander let out a muffled sound and then started twisting in his mother’s arms, almost agitatedly. “Shh…” Ayla started moving her arms a little, until her baby quieted down once again.
“I haven’t lost someone like you, no. And I thank God every day for that. But Valerie, there was a time when I lost myself. I fell deep into the cracks of a dark hole. My path isn’t flowery. My past wasn’t filled with love. I had nothing but pain and fear before I met Alessio.”
“I didn’t know…” I started and then drifted off, not exactly sure what to say.
Her green eyes seemed to twinkle under the light of the moon. “It’s not something I usually like to talk about.”
When I fell silent, Ayla pushed forward. “You feel confused, don’t you? If you should be happy, if you can be happy…”
My heart plummeted into the pit of my stomach, and I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I cried quietly, this time allowing my silent tears to flow.
“You feel guilt,” she continued.
My head started to throb, and the ache in my chest wouldn’t ease. It just…wouldn’t stop. Damn it! I wanted to scream, but I could only hold on to my chest, feeling the thumping of my cracked heart.
“You are punishing both Viktor and yourself because you’re scared of being happy.”
Her words hurt my ears, and I swore I felt the inside of me tear up and I bled. Agony sliced through it and it blinded me.
“She deserves this…” I cried out. “What I have, right now…this. A family. Love. Happiness…Irina deserved all…of this!”
My throat closed, and I fought to breathe through the tears. “But she can’t have that now. She…can’t and I am here, living. How can I be happy when Irina won’t be able to have that now?”
I rubbed my eyes and swiped at my cheeks angrily. I looked at the pitch-black sky and fought the urge to scream. “I feel…guilty. To be happy. Every time I find a reason to smile, I feel an ache in my chest.”
“Guilt is the greatest demon to bear and the heaviest burden,” Ayla said when I couldn’t find it in me to continue speaking. Ugly wretched sobs spilled past my lips, and I held onto the railings harder. My palm started to sweat, my wrist and fingers aching under the pressure I was putting myself in.
“It strangles you. It can suffocate you. But Valerie, you will never heal until you accept the past and let go.”
“I can’t…forget her.”
“No. I am not telling you to forget her. I am telling you accept what has happened and stop blaming yourself and Viktor. You are being cruel to your own sanity and Viktor’s.”
I bit on my lips harder and brought my fist to my mouth, holding it there as if I could hold in my choked sobs. “I’m not angry at him,” I murmured.
“No? He thinks otherwise. Sometimes, he feels as if you hate him. It’s eating him from the inside—seeing you like this. Right now, you are lost. And so is he.”
I shook my head vengefully, hiccuping back another sob. “No! I don’t…hate him. Never. I can’t hate him…I’m not angry at him. Not…anymore.”
My words became stuck in my throat. I knew why he did what he did. I understood him.
I knew it was close to impossible to get out of that estate alive if we had taken Irina with us. I knew that. Viktor could only save one of us…I knew that. I did see it from his side. I knew of the sacrifices he made. Yet I still couldn’t let go of this…fear and the guilt etched deep inside me.
“I have lost so much…”
Ayla wrapped an arm around my waist until we were cuddling closer. Her warmth seeped into my chilled bones. “I can’t bear to lose any more.”
Speaking my greatest fear out loud had me trembling until my teeth were chattering. I pressed my lips together and clenched my jaw, swallowing back another helpless cry.
“You are not going to lose Viktor. And you won’t lose us either,” she vowed, her voice so gentle yet so firm. “Let yourself heal, Valerie. Go to Viktor. Please. Help each other heal. The wounds won’t stop bleeding until you bandage it. It needs care and love.”
She pulled away slightly, only to reach up and swipe my tears away. “I’d like to think that Irina is in a better place now. She is free. Let her go, so you can be happy too. So you can breathe. She wouldn’t want you like this, right? Sad, alone, and lost to the world?”
I shook my head. “She’d be angry…”
