Alix
No.
Grace sent back a laughing emoji, followed by a heart. Alix stared at the little red heart, warmth blooming behind her ribs. For a second, the terminal noise blurred into nothing. Just her, the hum of fluorescent lights, and the fact that she was smiling like an idiot because of one tiny heart.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
GRACE
Four daysapart had passed both in an eternity and a blink. Grace hadn’t slept more than three hours a night. The only way she’d have the nerve to take a few more days off was to meet her billables for the month before leaving. While she packed her bag, she’d never been happier to be exhausted.
Icarus, however, was sitting in her half-packed suitcase glaring at her. With his judgy blue eyes and swishing tail, he said,Really, bitch? You leaving again?Sheila had shown her displeasure by tipping over her food bowl and screaming. Grace imagined she’d been channeling Sarah McLachlan’s mournful lament.
“I know, guys.” She sat on the cold tile floor next to Icarus and called Sheila to her lap. “But this time Grandma is coming to stay here with you, okay? And you’ll be on the good stuff for the fireworks.” She scratched the back of Icarus’s head, but Sheila hadn’t stopped glaring.
“Don’t worry, I don’t have any more trips planned,” she added, chest aching like the first time she’d inhaled cold, mountain air.
Grace had been moving fast and working nonstop, but near the finish line when she could track the end of Alix’s absence in hours, she couldn’t stop wondering what came next. Couldn’t stop fearing inevitable heartbreak.
It wasn’t fair, but it seemed to track that the easiest relationship she’d ever had would be with a woman three thousand miles away. She held a purring Icarus to her chest and closed her eyes. A new anxiety she hadn’t wanted to take shape formed in her sour stomach.
Were they just a vacation fling? Thanksgiving in Miami, Christmas in Colorado, New Year’s in LA. They couldn’t pretend their entire relationship wasn’t built on escapism. On moments carved out and separated from their real lives. It was easy to get along and get lost in the excitement of something new when they were both showing only one side of themselves.
Would Alix still be so sweet and patient when Grace worked nights and weekends and couldn’t give her the attention she deserved? When she had to cancel last-minute plans because her firm was hired to show up in court on a brand-new case in the morning and she had to forgo sleep to get prepared? It wasn’t so noticeable when Grace was always available by text, but if they were ever in person, Alix would get tired of waiting around for her.
Her fear of not being enough was only outmatched by her fear of being too much. So far, Alix seemed to not just tolerate her high-intensity nature, but enjoy it. But experience had made it very clear to Grace that once the newness of it all wore off, things that began as cute curdled into irritating.
She didn’t want to feel it. She’d been outrunning the encroaching dread since the moment her lips touched Alix’s. Since she fell a little bit in love with her family and where she’d grown up. Despite her best efforts, fear and doubt had come together to form a mega storm of nausea in her gut.
Why had she let her affection for Alix get away from her? What did that say about her? She petted Icarus and wondered if Alix was the only emotionally available lesbian over thirty-five in the country.
She laughed before questioning herself.WasAlix available? She’d been so hung up on her ex just a couple of months earlier. Icarus chattered as if to say,So were you, dummy.
Looking down at her cat, she wondered if she was flying straight into the sun with wax wings. Maybe the problem wasn’t Alix’s availability or the distance. Maybe the problem was Grace, who only knew how to love things that were destined to burn her. Maybe she could only have things that couldn’t last.
Grace stood. She didn’t want to waste precious time worrying about it. Plus it wasn’t like she was going to California to make unbreakable vows. She was just going to celebrate New Year’s. Not everything had to have a future to enjoy the present.
Nope. She wasn’t setting herself up for guaranteed heartbreak. Long-distance relationships between people with well-established careers totally worked out all time. Grace avoided looking in the mirror while packing her toiletries.
As if sensing her anxiety, Alix’s personalized text tone pinged.
Alix
Please tell them again how sorry I am.
Grace sat at the edge of her bed and gave Alix every drop of her attention. Since Colorado, she hadn’t been able to tamp down the bright weightlessness that expanded in her chest when they spoke.
She replied with a photo of two snobby, irate cats sitting in her suitcase. Even without the ability to speak, their guilt trip rivaled the Olympic heights of a disappointed mother.
Grace
You might have to convince them yourself.
Alix
noooo look at them. Okay. Cancel your flight. I’m heading to the airport. I’ll be there later.
Grace laughed and then looked at the time.
