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“Oh, don’t even lay a guilt trip on me, buddy. I took the time to go pick up dinner, set it all up, get dressed in a skimpy new dress, and—hell, I even lit candles, for Christ’s sake. And for what? Nothing! You decided you wanted to play pity party with some chick who got in a car wreck. What, were you fucking her before the accident or something, you asshole?”
Gripping my hands into fists, I turned and walked up to her so fast she began walking backward until she hit the wall.
“I couldn’t save her eighteen-month-old baby. Her husband died and all she has is a brother who is so fucking freaked out he couldn’t even tell her that her son died. I had to be the one who told her. Me! The fucking firefighter she begged to save her son’s life had to be the one to tell her I failed. I failed to save her baby. Failed!”
Sherry jumped when I screamed out “failed.” “So don’t stand here and give me some goddamn sob story about what a fucked-up night you had. And no, Sherry, I wasn’t fucking her. I didn’t even know her name until yesterday.”
Spinning around on my heels, I stormed into the bedroom and to our bathroom. Slamming the bathroom door shut, I stripped out of my clothes and walked into the shower. The water was hot and felt good on my aching body.
Closing my eyes, I stood there and tried to block out her screams. Block out the look in her eyes when she found out her son and husband had died.
Sherry’s arms snaked around my waist. Grabbing her, I pushed her against the wall and kissed her. I needed to forget. Even if it was just for a few moments, I needed it all to go away. I lifted Sherry up, and she let me do what I needed to do.
Forget.
—
Walking into the firehouse, I looked around. Everyone was moving about their business like normal. Making my way to the bunkhouse, I tossed my bag onto my bed and dropped down as I let out a sigh.
Sharp, another firefighter and one of my best friends, stuck his head around the corner and shouted, “Ward, Cap wants to see you right away.”
I stood and said, “Thanks, Sharp. I’ll be right there.”
Giving me a quick nod, he turned to leave but stopped. “Preston?”
Looking back at him, I said, “Yeah, what’s up?”
When he looked away briefly, I knew what he was about to say he had been struggling with probably all day. Mitchel Sharp and I had started here at Firehouse 37 together. Same day, same scared look in our eyes.
“It’s okay…not to be okay. You know that, right?”
Giving him a head pop and a smile, I said, “I know, Mitch. I’ll be all right.”
Nodding, he flashed me a smile. “Hey, if that ball and chain will let you, let’s hit the club this weekend.”
Laughing, I picked up my pillow and threw it at him. “Shut the fuck up, asshole.”
He pointed at me and said, “Truth hurts!”
Before I could say anything else, he disappeared around the corner. Smiling, I shook my head and headed to the bathroom where I splashed my face with cold water, did a few jumping jacks in place, and made my way to the captain’s office.
Sitting in the chair, I stared at Captain Ryan. Sitting back in his seat, he finally started to talk. “Ward, I’ve been in your shoes and I know how you’re feeling. So wipe that fake-ass confident smile off your face and let me see your true feelings.”
My heart dropped as I stared at him. One thing my father always said was, you hold it in. Don’t let your cap see the fear. Fear makes you weak and there is no room for weakness.
“I’m not going to lie, sir, and tell you that I’m not bothered by the events of the other day. He was a child and his mother pleaded with me to save his life and I couldn’t.”
Shaking his head, he leaned forward. “No, you couldn’t. And even if that had been Sharp, Wister, myself—hell, any of these guys—no one would have been able to save that little boy. His father died on impact and how the mother didn’t die, I have no idea. I guess God has plans for her. There was nothing any of us could have done different, Ward. You need to get that into your head right now and don’t forget it. Do you hear me?”
Nodding, I whispered, “Yes, sir.”
Standing up, Cap reached his hand out to me. I followed his lead as I stood and reached my hand out. “I mean it, Preston. Do not dwell on this. Do not go up and see her again at the hospital, because I know damn well you did because I’d have done the same thing. Don’t get emotionally attached. Move on.”
Smiling, I nodded.
“Now, go eat. Wister made lasagna.”
Walking out of the room, I tried to let his words sink in. There was nothing any one of us could have done to save TJ.
