Ishould have listened to Nitro’s advice. As soon as I saw Pops veering into fuckery territory with his so-called plan, I should have, in no uncertain terms, made him cancel that plan. If I had done that then I would not have seen a grown man piss his pants.
“Oh dear, excuse me love, do you mind pointing us in the direction of the bathroom? My client here has soiled himself,” Mad Dog asks my favourite receptionist Barb, in sickeningly sweet tones while holding Pops by the elbow.
“Let me go you fat, diabetic bastard,” Pops argues, trying to wrestle himself out of Mad Dog’s grip.
“Ignore him, sweetheart, he has the dementia,” Mad Dog says through slightly gritted teeth, trying to keep his boots out of the way of Pops’ dripping chinos.
Great, they’re playing the “crazy old man with a carer” routine. I hate when they do that.
“Oh certainly, just down the hall there. Does he, ah, does he need a change of clothing?” Barb asks.
“Don’t worry Barb, I’ll take care of it,” Nitro says, stepping past me.
Barb’s shoulders relax, as she realizes someone has a handle on this. And probably because she doesn’t have to deal with a belligerent old man with piss in his pants.
“Follow me, gentlemen,” I say, following Nitro’s fine ass as he stalks toward the locker room ahead of us as Mad Dog calls Pops a “filthy fucker” under his breath.
Coming to a stop in front of the staff locker rooms I wait until Nitro gives me a nod, letting me know that the coast is clear. For now, anyway.
Pops and Mad Dog tumble inside after me, pushing and shoving. Mad Dog has Pops in a headlock until Pops jabs him in the kidney.
“Get off me, Diabetes Boy!”
“I’m not telling you again, Idon’thave diabetes, Pissy Pants.”
“Hey, if it works, it works,” Pops says, arms out wide, grin on his face.
Nitro runs a hand down his face, “I can’t believe you pissed your pants.”
“Was it an accident or was it on purpose? You’ll never know,” Pops says with a wink, before his face turns serious. “So, where is my change of clothes?” he gives us a wide eyed look, so on silent feet I head toward the locker Moss has marked.
Looking around for anything out of place, I spot the bug in the worst fucking place in the world. A fucking blind man could have seen that. Shaking my head I point up at the lip that runs around the top of the locker, Pops tips his head back, a smirk on his face as he winks at Mad Dog, who grins back. He opens an empty locker door, then slams the thing shut hard enough to make Nitro jump.
“What the fuck?” Nitro mutters.
Pops flips the bird at him, head tilted and his eyes on the bug. He pulls out his phone, messages someone, most likely Chewy before putting it on the bench beside him.
“You boys ever get one of them spots that look like Jesus?” Pops asks, slowly unbuttoning his chinos. “I swear this fucker keeps winking at me. Where’s my pants asshole?” he growls at Nitro, letting his drop with a wet slap on the floor.
Nitro tosses them at him, “What the fuck are you on about old man?”
“Jesus, our lord and savior. I got a spot that looks juuust like him. I’ll show ya but it’ll cost ya,” his eyes twinkle as he stands on the bench, closer to where the Dropmire bug is poorly hidden. “It’s on my thigh, can ya see it?”
“Holy fuck, thatdoeslook kinda like Jesus,” Mad Dog shuffles forward for a closer look.
“Told ya,” Pops says, fiddling with something in his hands.
He holds it up close to the bug and almost immediately his phone buzzes with a notification. I don’t even need to lean forward to see what it says. He has the text size so fucking big you could read it from the moon.
Dayz: We got a heartbeat.
He nods once, sticking whatever the fuck he was fiddling with on the top of the locker. “I told you it does! Wait, lemme get these off…” he wriggles a little, hands going to his waist, and before I know it his boxers are off, flung across the room with a wet slap.
“Fucking hell man!” Mad Dog growls, moving so quickly across the room to get away from Pops old junk, now flapping in the breeze.
“Don’t be a fucking baby! It’s just a cock and balls. Oh, and Jesus. Watch this!”
Pops does some bobbing bending movements, bouncing up and down a little.
