The frown deepens, and she shakes her head. "There's something I didn't tell you."
I stiffen at the words. If she's hiding a boyfriend somewhere, I'll have to hunt him down for not giving her what she needs.
Alana huffs out a long breath. "I've got a foster child with me at the moment. She's been with me a long time, and yesterday I forgot to pick her up from a playdate."
She presses her palms against the table, and her frown deepens. She's beating herself up about one missed pick up.
"Okay. I get it. Next time, we set an alarm. Make sure you don't get carried away."
The smile tugs at her lips, but it doesn't meet her eyes.
"There won't be a next time, Amos. I'm sorry. What we did... it was a mistake."
The words hit like a punch to the gut, and I sit back on the bench. "How can something that felt so right be a mistake, Alana?"
"I know you don't understand, Amos. It's not just that I'm looking after Kyra on my own. I've applied for adoption."
I fold my arms across my chest, waiting for her to go on.
"That little girl has no one else in the world. The process can be lengthy. It has to go before the adoption board. It helps that I'm cleared as a foster caregiver, but adoption is something else. And it's even harder as a single parent, especially when the job I'm doing is far from high income. I've got to be squeaky clean, Amos. They can't put a little girl into a home where men are coming and going."
My hands squeeze into fists as a rage of jealousy engulfs me. "Do you have a lot of men coming and going?"
She shakes her head. "Of course not. You're the only man who's touched me in years."
I relax my fists and run a hand through my hair.
"I'm not some guy who's going to be in and out of your house, Alana. I'm playing for keeps here."
She glances up at me, her eyes wide. "You may think that now, Amos, but you're about to take on a child. You're about to become a single parent. You may think this is what you want now, but I'm telling you, things are going to change for you. Life is going to change. If you really value me that much, you'll see that. You'll back off."
I inhale deeply. She's right. My life is about to change. I'm starting a new job; I'm becoming a single parent. Hell, I haven't even lived in the same town for more than three months since I was eighteen.
But it doesn't change the way I feel about her. It doesn't change the attraction I have and the feeling in my gut that this could be something more. But I respect her decision. I have to.
"It's not just the adoption, Amos. Those foster kids need me. I want to be available to take in emergency cases. My home isn't big enough to take a foster child full time, but when there's an emergency, there'll always be a spare bed. Those kids need me. Kyra needs me. She has absolutely no one else in this world. I can't fuck this up."
I sit back and glance around the park. It's the same one where we had the first meeting with Sam. Kids’ laughter drifts over to us from the playground. A kid goes down the slide and grins up at his mother. He tries to stand but tumbles over, and the mother scoops him up. I'm struck by how vulnerable they are.
She's right. The girl she's caring for has no one else in the world. And If Alana thinks this is what she needs to do for the girl, then I respect that.
But I can't stand the thought of not having her in my life.
"I understand."
Relief floods her expression, but it's tinged with sadness.
"I'll back off, Alana. But can we still be friends? I don't know who else to talk to about the questions I'm going to have about Sam."
She smiles. "Of course. We can do a playdate with Kyra sometime."
That's not what I was hoping for. I was hoping for another playdate with Alana. But I'll take what I can get.
"Friends, then."
"Friends," she echoes.
Her smile is bright. She holds out her hand and I shake it, wondering how the hell I'm going to be just friends with this woman.
