A smile forms on my lips. "That's what being a parent feels like. And it's the most terrifying and the most wonderful thing all at once."
He turns to me on the couch. "Is that how it feels with you and Kyra?"
I nod. "Exactly like that."
His eyes are solemn in the dim light from the living room lamp.
"I get it now, Alana. Now I understand."
21
ALANA
Amos brings a hand to his eyes. "If anything happened to him..." He shakes his head, as if trying to shake away the thought.
I've never seen him like this. I've never seen him so vulnerable.
"Hey." I scoot over towards him on the couch, placing my arm on his shoulder. "It's okay. You did the right thing, Amos. He's going to be okay."
He lets out a long shaky breath. "I couldn't protect Jake." His voice is a low croak. "All I ever wanted to do was keep Jake safe. I hated it when he followed me into the Navy. And when I did the SEAL training, I should've known Jake would want to do it as well. I tried to talk him out of it. I was hoping he wouldn't survive BUD/S, but he was a stubborn fucker."
"What's buds?" I ask.
"Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training. Every wannabe SEAL has to go through it, and it's fucking hard. Only around twenty percent of those who attempt it graduate. It's six months of pure hell.
"I was hoping Jake wouldn't make it. But that determined fucker did. And once you do, once you're part of the twenty percent who make it, you feel invincible. That's the feeling you get after you survive BUD/S. You feel like you can do anything.
"The missions we were sent on—you had to believe that. If you thought about failing, if you thought you couldn't do it, or the man next to you couldn't do it, you could be dead. I tried to get Jake on my team, but they thought it'd be a conflict of interest. That I might have sacrificed my team to save him."
He sits back on the couch and sighs.
"The night he was killed, he went into a building wired with explosives. If he was on my team, I never would have let him go."
I place my hand on his shoulder.
"You weren't responsible for Jake. He made his own decisions. From what you said, he was a trained SEAL. He would have known what he was doing."
He's silent for a while.
"Sometimes I look at Sam and I wonder what kind of man I want him to grow up to be. Just like Jake? Just like me? My dad always said how proud he was when we joined the Navy and then when we became SEALs. We never really thought about the risk. I mean, you have your will made up and all that, but I still felt fucking invincible. Is that the life I want for Sam?"
I run a hand down his arm, wanting to ease his concern.
"Amos, you're a parent. You can't control everything. All you can do is bring Sam up the best way you know how. He'll make his own decisions in life."
"Fuck, this is hard."
"I know. You couldn't protect Jake. But you can take care of Sam."
"I couldn't bear it if anything happened to Sam."
The agony in his expression makes my chest squeeze.
"Sam's okay." My instinct is to comfort Amos, and I pull him into me. I can't get my arms around his large frame, but he leans his head on my shoulder.
"You're doing a great job with Sam. He's really lucky he found you."
I try to hold him as a friend would. But it's hard having his body this close to mine. I catch the scent of his skin, feel his stubble scratch against my shoulder. I press a kiss to the top of his head. It's supposed to be a friendly kiss, but he tilts his head up at the same time, and it lands on his forehead.
