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“Awesome. Thank you. Seemed too late to go to Mom’s tonight, so I appreciate you letting me crash.”
Blake stands and then pitches his empty bottle into a nearby trash can. “Sweet. Then I’ll see you there in a bit. You remember where it is?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, cool. Then I’ll leave the front door unlocked for you.” Blake leans down and kisses Avery on the top of her head. “Later, boss.”
I know I don’t have any right whatsoever, but seeing Blake kiss Avery, even in such an innocent way, makes me jealous as hell. I’ve thought about her every day since I left. I often wondered what it would’ve been like for us if the fire never happened that night. How our lives would’ve been different. I’ve missed her. If I ever admitted how much I missed her, people would probably classify me as certifiably insane since our time together in the past was so short.
“Later, Tyler!” Blake calls over his shoulder as he heads out of the bar.
Silence wraps around us the moment Blake closes the door, leaving Avery and me alone in the bar. The quiet is almost deafening and I feel like I need to say something.
So many times at night I would lie awake and imagine the things I would say to Avery if I were ever given the chance to apologize to her for the way I left her, but right now, sitting across from her, all of the fancy things I’d planned to say won’t come to mind. Instead, I can only remember one word, and I feel like I need to just say it so she knows I mean it.
“Avery, I’m sorry about how I left you. I was—”
She holds up her hand, cutting me off. “Tyler, please. You don’t have to apologize.”
“Please let me do this, Avery. I owe you this.”
She shoves herself away from the table and then stands, busying herself by clearing off the table. “It won’t change anything, Tyler. Sometimes it’s best just to leave things be. Things were going so good before and now you have to go and ruin it by bringing up old, hurtful memories.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Avery. I was scared and blamed myself for all the bad shit that was happening to you.”
My career took off so quickly and I got swept up in it. Focusing on the music helped me escape the guilt I feel about Avery’s father and the way I treated her. Music is the only thing that has brought me any joy since I walked away from Avery, which really reinforces the sense that I am supposed to fulfill my promise to Dad.
“Do you even hear yourself? The fire was an accident.”
“But it wasn’t! I caused that fire because I left the goddamn lantern burning in the barn and I would’ve never done that if I hadn’t been sneaking around to fuck you. Had I listened to my father—your father would still be alive—and God, I am so sorry for that! At times it feels like I killed him.”
Avery covers her mouth as tears stream down her face.
I don’t mean to yell at her, but I’m so overcome with emotion that I can’t seem to control my tone. The therapist I’ve been seeing for the past year—when the guilt of what happened began affecting my everyday life to the point I found it difficult to function—told me that it would be good to have a conversation with Avery. I’m pretty sure my not being able to control my emotions when it did happen wasn’t a part of that plan.
Truth is? When I think about Avery losing her father, it brings up all the raw emotion of when I lost mine. It was difficult to relive that so soon and it was like losing my father all over again. My head got all confused and I didn’t handle the situation with Avery the way I should have.
“Stop.” A sob rips through her. “I’ve thought about that night every damn night for the past three years, racking my brain on all the what-ifs. Don’t you think I blamed myself too? We both forgot the lantern that night—not just you—and I’ve been beating myself up over it every day since then. This didn’t happen because your dad cursed us. It happened because it was an accident.
“I’ve spent so many sleepless nights worried about you—worried about how you shouldered all the blame yourself—but I never heard from you again, so I figured you didn’t need my comforting.”
My heart is crushed in my chest. Here is a girl who has every right to hate me, and yet, she’s trying to ease my pain.
“Avery . . .” She presses her fingers to my lips.
“You don’t have to say anything else. I’ve already forgiven you. I had to in order to forgive myself.”
“I don’t expect anything from you,” I tell her honestly. “But I would very much like to start over with you and be friends.”
She stares into my eyes. “We can do that as long as you promise not to run off and avoid me for another three years.”
A huge weight lifts off my chest. It’s hard to believe the things I’ve struggled with for the past three years are so easy to talk about. Maybe it is because I’m in a much better place now, with a more rational thought process.
I give her a sad smile. “Deal.”
She lets out a big sigh of relief. “Now that the elephant in the room has been squashed, how about another drink?”
“Sure,” I say, but then feel compelled to ask, “Blake won’t mind that you’re out with me so late?”
