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I do wonder what he looks like… no!
I shake away that indecent thought and count the stripes on the carpet instead.
I’m still counting when the door opens, and a cloud of steam billows into the room. Lucca appears shirtless, droplets of water cling to his tan skin, and I have to tear my eyes from his bare chest before my cheeks burst into flames.
I wonder if he finds me attractive. If he thinks I’m as pretty as that Paula girl.
“Do you think I’m pretty?” I blurt out the question before I can stop myself.
“You’re beautiful, Claire. Why would you even ask that?” Lucca’s voice is very convincing, and for a moment, I consider not responding, but I can’t help myself. If I want him to see me like he sees her, then I need to be different.
“I just… I don’t feel pretty at all. I don’t look like that girl either.”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s not just about looks, but what’s inside. You can look like a supermodel on the outside and still be a really shitty person. Looks aren’t everything, Butterfly.”
I can’t lie, that makes me feel better, but it doesn’t convince me he sees me like he saw her.
“Are you not tired?” Lucca changes the subject, coming to sit on the bed beside me.
“I am. I’m not sleeping yet because I was wondering if I could sleep in your bed with you again?” I don’t dare look at him. I simply keep my gaze trained on my fingers in my lap. I feel like a child asking to sleep in bed next to him, but I’m not ready to deal with the trauma I’ve endured. “I’m just scared of sleeping by myself. The bed feels too big, and the different hotels every night…” I trail off.
“You don’t have to explain,” Lucca says. “Come on, get under the blanket.”
With a smile on my face, I eagerly crawl into Lucca’s bed and under the thin comforter. He climbs into the bed beside me but doesn’t crawl beneath the covers, leaving the thin blanket separating our bodies. I’m a little disappointed but not surprised.
“Don’t you get cold without covering up?” I ask once he turns off the light.
“Nah, I sleep better like this. Plus, this way, I don’t have to worry about getting caught up in the sheets if I need to make a quick move.”
I don’t want to think about what he means by that.
Lucca is so sweet and caring with me, like another person altogether. It seems I keep forgetting what kind of person he is and the damage he can cause. Seconds tick by, the darkness blankets over me. I’m tired, but sleep isn’t coming easily. My mind won’t shut off, and I’m thinking of what will happen tomorrow and how much longer we will have to do this.
“Is it going to be like this forever? Staying in hotels and hiding?” If that’s the case, then I’m not sure I can do this. I’m a mess already, and I just want to fall asleep and never wake up sometimes.
“No. Soon we will slow down, and things will go back to normal. I have to make certain that you’re safe first.”
A wave of guilt washes over me and clings to me like a second skin. Guilt about feeling safe with Lucca, guilt about liking him even though I know he is a killer. He killed my father, and still, I crawl into his bed, accepting his protection and comfort.
Maybe I’m just as evil as he is?
16
Lucca
A few days pass by in a blur. I lose track of how many states and cheap hotels we’ve been in. All I know is that I need to get Claire somewhere safe. I can’t keep her on the run with me. She needs stability. She needs her family and to make new friends and be a teenager.
No matter how much I enjoy having her with me, I need to keep her best interest in mind.
“Do you care if I change the station?” Claire asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah, sure.” I nod. I don’t even listen to the radio. How could I with a thousand thoughts racing through my mind?
She turns the knob until some pop song comes on. She leans back in her seat and starts singing along with the song softly. I’m not sure if she even realizes she’s doing it, but when she sings about kissing all night, she abruptly stops.
I glance over at Claire and find her cheeks red and her green eyes wide. She quickly looks away and out the window, like she is ashamed about singing those words. Or maybe it’s the fact that I heard her singing them at all. Either way, I can’t help but smile.
She’s so innocent, and even shy, proving her age. I’ve noticed Claire getting embarrassed about looking at me or doing certain things. I’m pretty sure she has a little crush on me.
