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I think normally I’d be oohing and aahing a bit more, but after seeing the beauty of the Routeburn Track—and after everything that had happened this morning—it’s all a bit anticlimactic.
So my thoughts keep going to Josh. He leans against the railing beside me, sipping the coffee, and I want to stare at him instead of one of the world’s wonders. He’s the wonder of my new world. His arm is pressed up against mine and I’m caught in a tangle of conflicting feelings.
On one hand, if I want to pursue things with Josh, I’m free to. I’m not with anyone. Nick and I are over. I don’t have to feel guilty, I don’t have to make the hard choices. There’s no one in our way.
Yet I am in our way. Because there is the other hand, the one that tells me getting involved with Josh would be a bad idea. I care too much about him now for this to be just a fling, and eventually he is going to leave and that ache in my chest might turn into a full-on wound.
The only way this can possibly work is if I can find a way to detach even further. Have fun, a lot of fun, a lot of good, hot sex, and try my hardest to keep my heart where it belongs.
I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to take a chance.
But as I stare up at Josh’s strong, beautiful face and he catches my eyes, his lips quirking into a cocky smile, I don’t think I’m strong enough to not take one.
The butterflies are taking flight again, their wings tickling my insides, and I swallow hard, looking away and breaking the connection.
“Dolphins at the bow!” someone yells from the front of the ship, and everyone around us starts to head on over, some slipping on wet patches on the deck. It’s pandemonium and Josh’s face lights up like a Christmas tree.
“Go see them,” I tell him.
He looks at me like I’m crazy. “You don’t want to?”
I shrug. “Dolphins, I’ve seen them all.”
He raises a brow. “Well, look at you, Miss Too Cool for Dolphins.” Then he runs off up the deck with everyone else.
I look at Amber. “You’re not interested?”
“I’m a bit seasick,” she says. She nods her head at the wheelhouse. “And this is the one place where the wind isn’t killing me. I’m from California, you know, I’m not used to this during the summer.”
“Well, it’s not summer yet,” I tell her. “And I’m fully aware you’re from California, you won’t shut up about it.”
She smiles and takes my coffee from my hand, having a gulp of it. I have to say, I’ve grown really fond of my cousin in this last while. I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone.
As if sensing my hidden affection, she gives me back the coffee, her eyes sparkling. “So,” she says, and the way she draws it out makes me hold in my breath. “Now that you’re not with Nick . . .”
I don’t have time to play games. “Yes?”
“Oh come on, you know what I’m asking.”
“I don’t.”
She rolls her eyes playfully. “Are you going to go for Josh?”
I give her a blank stare. “And why would I do that?”
“Because, the guy is, like . . . obsessed with you.”
I raise my brow and try to keep my face as blank as possible. Obsessed with me? My chest fills with a wonderful warmth and a smile fights its way to my lips.
“What do you mean?” I ask super casually, keeping the smile at bay.
She doesn’t seem to buy it. “Like you don’t know. He wants you. Bad. And I don’t know but I’ve caught the way you look at him. You guys need to combust. With each other, preferably. That’s why I thought you guys were going off together last night.”
I shake my head, even though the smile has crept onto my face. “No, I seriously just wanted to see the sunset.” I pause. I want to grill her for more information but I need to do it in the most delicate way. “I, erm, I thought that you wanted to get with him or something.”
She waves that notion away with her hand. “No, not really. It just happened that one time and we talked about it afterward.”
My smile disappears. Something sinks inside me, heavy and deep. “What?”
Amber frowns. “What?”
I swallow uneasily, my pulse starting up in my throat. “What happened that one time?”
She’s uncertain now. “Um, the thing in the theater.”
“What thing?” my voice is hard, my eyes harder.
She shrinks slightly. “I thought Nick told you. He saw us.” I just stare at her. “You know, making out and stuff.”
I purse my lips, my eyes widening, as if that helps me to absorb this awful information. “Nick saw you and Josh making out in the theater?”
“It wasn’t anything nasty, I swear,” she says, starting to panic. “Just kissing and groping, that’s it.”
Oh my god, I’m going to throw her overboard.
“Oh my god,” I say. “Oh my god. Oh my god.”
“Shit,” Amber swears. “Fuck. I’m sorry Gemma, I thought you knew, I thought Nick told you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“No, well, it’s just that it happened once and it didn’t mean anything and I could tell Josh wasn’t into it.”
“Of course he was into it,” I snap. “He’s a dude and you’re a hot fucking chick and not the one with the asshole boyfriend.”
