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Everything around me is blurry and tinged with red. I’m driving like a maniac, and I realize I am going to get pulled over if I keep it up. The last thing I need is a dead cop on my hands.
I slow down and start cruising side streets one block at a time, stop sign after stop sign. The monotony brings me down a bit, and eventually I head to the highway. I keep the speeding to a minimum as I circle the city.
It takes hours, but eventually I calm. I’m exhausted and pull the car over to a deserted street and yank at the parking brake. Reaching for the lever at the side, I lean the driver’s seat back as far as it will go and close my eyes.
Rinaldo is going to die, and I’ve just alienated the only woman who understands.
Ralph is strangely absent, and it occurs to me that I haven’t seen him for quite some time. I try to remember when he last appeared but can’t come up with it. I rather wish he would suddenly show up. I could use whatever words he might have to offer, even if it’s just to tell me how stupid I am.
I don’t return to the apartment.
I really don’t trust myself.
Chapter 19—Resolved Agreement
I sit in the Camaro all night, dozing occasionally. The nightmares are more horrific than they have been for a long time, and they don’t allow me to sleep for long. In the morning, I drive home slowly and sit in the parking garage, afraid to go up to my own abode. I don’t know which would be worse—finding her there or finding her gone.
As I approach the door, I don’t know what I’ll see when I go inside. I’m not sure I even want to open it. If she isn’t there, I’m going to go ballistic.
I don’t want to imagine what that might entail.
I’m a little shocked to see Alina at the kitchen table with a cup of tea held in her laced fingers. She doesn’t look at me when I come in. She’s actually so still, I think she might be holding her breath.
I’ve acted like a total dick, and I know it. Any man in his right mind would probably apologize, but I’m not, and I won’t. It doesn’t matter anyway because nothing has changed.
I still need her here.
I stand near the door for quite a while until Alina finall
y looks over to me. Her eyes are dim and swollen, and I wonder if she got any more sleep than I did. I have no idea what to do or say, so I continue to stand there until I think of something.
It’s really the only thing I have to say.
“I want you to stay.”
“I know you do.” She nods and looks back at her cup.
“I need you,” I tell her. “I do admit that, but don’t act like I haven’t done anything for you.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
“I still did.”
“Am I supposed to be grateful for that?”
“You’re supposed to be grateful that I haven’t put a bullet in your head.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Alina slowly turns her head to me and blinks slowly.
“Is that what you’re going to do?”
“No.” I huff out a breath and run my hand over my head. “That’s why I left.”
“I’m not afraid of you, Evan.”
“So you keep saying. You should be though.”
I close my eyes for a moment and try to keep myself in check.
