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I shake my head, trying to clear it. I’m too tired to be driving anymore, so I pull over and stand beside the Camaro to smoke. It does nothing to relax me, but it does wake me up a little.
Ralph remains absent. I try to think back to the last time he’s made an appearance, but I still can’t remember. I look around as if that would make him suddenly materialize, but it doesn’t. I can’t believe I actually miss his presence. Sometimes he seems to know things in my head that I can’t quite verbalize.
Maybe he’s abandoned me, too.
I finish the cigarette and climb back into the car. With one last look around for Ralph, I pull back into the street.
It’s after midnight before I finally bring myself back home. I stand at the door to the apartment for a full minute before opening it.
Alina is on the couch with a magazine. I hear her let out a breath and watch her shoulders slump in relief. She’s obviously been wondering where I was. I should have been back hours ago. I lick my lips, imagine I can still taste Lucia’s lipstick on them, and look away.
“Hi,” Alina says quietly.
“Hi.” I glance at her quickly and then try to look busy putting my wallet and keys on the kitchen counter. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up, and the skin of my back is tingling. I know she’s watching me, but she doesn’t say anything.
“I need a shower.” I walk into the bathroom and shut the door. Turning the water up full blast, I sit on the toilet and drop my head in my hands as the room fills with steam. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting there when I hear a knock.
“Evan?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you hungry?”
“Not really.”
“All right.” There’s a pause. “There’s stuff in the refrigerator you can heat up later if you want to.”
“Okay.”
I can’t hear well enough over the shower to know if she’s moved away from the door or not, but I think she has. I step into the stream of water and let it cascade over me. Mindlessly, I grab a bottle of body wash and coat myself with it.
I get the floor all wet when I step out. I’d forgotten to put a mat down, and I can’t be bothered with cleaning it up now. I didn’t bring any clothes in with me, so I just wrap a towel around my waist and open the door. Alina isn’t to be found, and I half wonder if she’s decided to sleep in her own bedroom tonight. I wouldn’t blame her. I hardly deserve her comfort right now.
I wander into the kitchen and look in the fridge. I open a container to find some kind of Asian vegetable and chicken mixture. It smells good, but I don’t feel like eating. I close the door without making a selection and stare out into the darkened living room.
The air around me chills my slightly damp skin, bringing me from my macabre thoughts long enough to make me head to the bedroom. I’m almost surprised to see Alina lying there, waiting for me. She watches me walk over to the dresser and yank on a pair of shorts before climbing into bed beside her.
The lavender scent makes me feel worse.
Alina wraps her arm around my head and strokes her fingers through my damp hair. After a minute, she moves down to my neck, massaging me. Usually, this puts me right to sleep, but I can’t relax.
There’s no way I could fall asleep. All I can think about is what I did with Lucia.
“Do you want to talk?” Alina asks quietly. “I know you’ve had a very long and difficult day. If you don’t want to, that’s fine. I just want you to know I’ll listen if you do.”
Her words are perfect, and the guilt hits me in the gut like a harpoon. It’s fitting. I’ve been a royal Moby Dick.
I swallow but can’t answer.
“I know today has been hard on you,” Alina says. She kisses the top of my head. “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“It was horrible,” I say softly. “It matched the nightmares I had about it before he was gone.”
She reaches over and strokes my arm but doesn’t speak. Her silence encourages me to continue.
“After the funeral, everyone went back to the church. There was lots of pasta and wine and all that. Apparently, it’s very important for Italians to finish a funeral by eating more food than the dearly departed ever ate in a lifetime.”
“I can see why you aren’t hungry then.”
