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“I will.”
I tighten my hold on her, bury my face against her chest, and fall into the blackness.
*****
I’m not at all rested when I wake. It’s still dark though probably early morning. My head is pounding. I can’t remember the nightmare, but I know I woke more than once. Alina is there beside me with one arm wrapped around my shoulder and the other across my chest.
I push away from her and sit up on the bed, wrapping my arms around my knees. She sits up beside me but doesn’t speak. She just sits there and waits to see what I’m going to do.
I have no idea.
Everything that has happened in the past week comes crashing down around me: finding out about Rinaldo and Felisa; Lele’s face when she asked me where he was; taking Felisa to the woods and putting a bullet in her head; dragging Felisa’s corpse back out while trying to look like I’m surprised; Rinaldo in the hospital—it’s too much. It’s all too much.
Bridgett betrayed me.
Odin’s dead.
Lia left me.
Rinaldo’s all I have left, and I betrayed him. He’s the one I care about the most, and I killed a woman he loved. I’d put her in a fucking hole. I wanted to protect him, but I’d hurt him instead. No wonder Lia deserted me. Maybe if she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have fucked up so badly.
“I was going to fix it,” I whisper through my hands. “I swear, I was going to fix it all.”
“Fix what, Evan?”
“It wasn’t going to be
like that anymore. I was going to stop. I was going to stay with her. It’s what I wanted, but I just…I just can’t stop it.”
Alina wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls me to her. I don’t resist. I want the closeness—I need it.
“Isn’t that how you got to this point in the first place?” It’s not Alina’s voice this time. If I open my eyes, I’ll see Ralph, so I keep them closed. However, his point is too accurate to ignore. Yes, I wanted to fix it at the time. I’d also made those promises to her before—time and time again. I always broke them.
I’d betrayed Lia, too.
But she was supposed to be there for me. She was supposed to be the one who would keep me sane. I needed her, and she left me. She wrote a fucking note and left me. For all she knows, I’m dead.
“Why’d she do it? Why?” I link my fingers in Alina’s hair around the back of her head and hold her tightly. “Don’t ever betray me. Please, please don’t betray me.”
“I won’t, Evan.”
“If you did…I don’t know what I’d do.”
“I know.” Her voice is a whisper against my ear. “I’m here, Evan. I’m here for you.”
Alina’s here for me. Alina can keep me sane.
There’s a brief moment when I relax, but it doesn’t last. Yes, Alina is here for me now. Where was she last night? The night before? Who was she comforting then?
“You’re not.” I want to push her away, but my arms don’t seem to be cooperating with my commands. Instead, I grip her tighter. “You’re here for whoever wants a piece of your ass. I’m just another john on your list.”
“You aren’t just another john, Evan. You’re a…a very special john.”
“That sounds so much better.” My words are biting, and I don’t care.
She cups my cheek with her hand and turns my head to look at her.
“I know you need me,” she says bluntly. “I’m here for you.”
