AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Raine’s hand touched the side of my face, and her fingers trailed through my thickening beard. I slowly turned my eyes towards hers and tried to keep my breathing steady.
“You are more than that, Bastian.”
“I’m a selfish bastard as well,” I said, trying to control my voice and even smile a little. Raine’s eyes narrowed.
“If you were, you wouldn’t have testified.”
“I didn’t want to go to prison.”
“That’s not the only reason though, is it?”
I looked at her eyes, glad to see the deep brown irises had light and moisture in them again. I could have run with John Paul in the beginning, and prison never would have been a possibility, but if I had, they would have gotten away with it completely. Besides, I hadn’t been able to sleep at night. I thought
if I helped put them away, I would be able to sleep again.
Fat chance.
Maybe if Franks had gone to prison as well, I wouldn’t have started drinking myself into oblivion. Then again, I would have probably been a drunk either way.
“All of my reasons were selfish,” I told her.
“I don’t think I believe you,” Raine replied. Her fingers started massaging the skin under my beard, and the sensation was almost enough to make my eyes roll into the back of my head.
I reached up and placed my palm against her cheek, slowly tracing her cheekbone with the edge of my thumb. My movements almost echoed her touch against my cheek, and I found both acts similarly comforting. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I understood desire – I knew why I wanted to fuck her – the reason for that was just too straightforward. I wanted to get my cock inside of her so I could have a good orgasm that didn’t involve my own hand. This I knew. This I understood, but wanting to simply…run my hand over her face…I didn’t understand this. I didn’t recognize this feeling. Her skin was soft under my fingertips, and I watched her tongue dart out of her mouth, moistening her full lips.
I’m not sure if I consciously moved forward or if I was somehow magnetically drawn closer to her. The tip of my tongue touched my bottom lip, and I watched Raine’s eyes drop to my mouth and then back up again. I hesitated, not sure how she was going to react. I didn’t want to scare her. I didn’t want to push her. I didn’t want her to push me away again. I didn’t want her to think I was only interested in fucking her.
Her eyes stayed on mine, and her breathing increased its pace. I moved a little closer, slowly positioning my face just above hers with my lips almost touching her mouth. I stopped, waiting for her to tell me to get away – either with her words or her eyes. Instead, I felt her hand brush through my beard again, her fingers curving under my jaw and applying slight pressure to bring me closer.
My eyes closed, and I touched my lips to hers – softly, gently, slowly. I kissed both of her lips at once, then the top one, then the bottom. I didn’t press, but kept my touch light and unhurried. Each time we touched, the kiss lingered just a little longer than the last.
I stopped, my lips still barely touching hers, and met her eyes. They were so bright and full of want and need that it was difficult not to press my body against hers, drive my tongue into her mouth, and just take her as quickly as possible. But I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to kiss her again, so I did – softly, slowly, and over and over. I tilted one way, then the other, wanting to taste every part of her lips. I didn’t push my tongue at her; I just kissed her gently, lovingly…
I pulled back, met her eyes again, and I felt my chest clench as nothing short of sheer terror rippled through my skin. This feeling wasn’t new – I’d been here before. I’d felt this way before, and I had vowed to never let this happen again.
I should want her for one reason and one reason only. Sex was good – you could have sex, feel good, and then move on – no emotional attachment. I was good at that. I knew what to expect, and I always made it clear what should be expected of me. I didn’t want to feel anything more – not for Raine or for anyone else. You could stab me, shoot me, beat me beyond recognition – I could cope with that kind of pain. You couldn’t make me feel for you – couldn’t make me want to care because caring meant hurting in a way that I couldn’t handle. I was not going to let this happen. Never, ever again…
Raine’s voice broke me out of my mental tirade against myself.
“She broke your heart, didn’t she?”
My hands balled into fists, my eyes closed tightly, and I held the air in my lungs a moment longer before slowly letting the air back out. I didn’t want her to say anything. I didn’t want her to know. Most of all, I didn’t want Raine to realize I wasn’t worth anything other than physical release, the same realization she had before she laughed at me and told me to wise up.
Her hand moved against my cheek, running her fingers over my skin and back into my hair. It felt good – it felt too good. I couldn’t do this, so I pushed away, turned my back to her, and moved over to the front of the raft to pour a cup of water.
“Bastian?”
“Just…don’t,” I growled. “Don’t fucking say anything.”
“Bastian, you don’t have to be afraid of me,” Raine said. I could see her sitting up out of the corner of my eye. She looked so much stronger already, and she hadn’t even eaten much. My shirt slid partway off her shoulder, exposing her collarbone.
“I’m not fucking afraid!” I yelled, knowing how ridiculous it sounded. “I’m just…not good at this. I’m not good for this. If you want to fuck, we can fuck, but I’m not doing…this.”
I waved my hand in her general direction. I didn’t know what the fuck this was, but I knew it wasn’t going to work for me.
“You deserve more, Bastian.”
I laughed.
