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"I'm a nutcase, Raine," I told her. "I'm a murderer and a drunk. I use women as a place to stick my cock. That's who I am. You don't want to delude yourself into thinking I'm something else."
"Maybe in the beginning I would have believed you," she said. "I don't believe you now. I've seen you, Bastian – the real you. I know what's inside that thick skin you try to use as a shield. I've seen you at your worst, and I'm pretty sure I saw you at your best just a few minutes ago. If not then, it was when you told me not to be scared. You can't fool me anymore, Bastian. I know too much. I know you've been hurt, and I know you're scared."
"I'm not..." I couldn't even bring myself to finish the sentence. I stared down at the empty cup in my hands until her fingers reached over and took it from me. I glanced up at her and saw the start of tears. Fuck.
"Let me in, Bastian," she whispered. "Tell me what she did to you."
I stared at her, the internal war within my mind escalating beyond control. I wanted to tell her. I didn’t want to tell her. I wanted to hold her and feel something for her. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do that. I needed her to understand that I couldn’t be that for her. I was so fucked up, I didn’t even know where to start, so I went back to the basics and closed up.
"She didn't love me back," I finally said with a shrug. Pathetically, I felt the shield go back up around me. I could shut myself down – I knew how to do that. I knew how to shut out every emotion, every feeling, and every thought that wasn’t what I wanted to think about. It was comfortable and safe. "No big deal."
"Bastian..."
"Raine..." I mocked, tearing my eyes away from her. "Just fucking let it go."
"How about we make a deal?" Raine said.
“Not likely,” I said. I continued not to look at her.
“You haven’t heard it yet,” she said softly. I sighed heavily, and she continued on. “How about I let you…um…do what you said you could. You know…without touching me?”
My ears, eyes, and several other parts of me perked up.
“You mean make you come?”
“Um…yeah, that.” She turned the darkest shade of red I had seen on her yet. “I’ll let you do that, and then you tell me what she did to you.”
“You’re serious,” I said, trying to figure out if this was some sort of prank or not. My dick was willing to believe it was not some sort of joke and decided to make me as uncomfortable in my shorts as possible even though I was going commando.
“I think so,” Raine said softly. Her eyes dropped down to her hands in her lap. “I mean, what you said before – about me not knowing what it really felt like? Or what it was supposed to feel like, anyway. Well, I was thinking about that when I…um…when I thought maybe we weren’t going to make it.”
I think my hands started to tremble. I wanted this. I wanted to do this. I didn’t want to want this. I didn’t want to feel this way. Even if it was the closest I got to fucking her, I wanted to do this. I couldn’t let myself feel anything, though. I couldn’t want it too much.
“So, I’d let you do that,” Raine continued, “and then you tell me about…um…about the woman that hurt you.”
Even the briefest mention of her, though not by name, was almost enough to kill my erection. I’m not sure if I was more pissed off at my dick for constantly being in overdrive or Raine for bringing all this shit up over and over again. My fingers tapped against my knees, and I realized I had way too much energy in my body again. The water and the food had reenergized me, and I didn’t have anywhere to put the excess. No wonder I couldn’t think straight.
"Let me see if I understand your proposal," I said, trying to keep my twitchy cock from getting too far ahead of the situation. "I make you come, sans hands, and then I get to tell you all about the bitch that fucked me over?"
"Yes."
"How exactly is this a deal?" I asked. “It sounds like I get to satisfy both your cunt and your curiosity."
"Don't say that word!" Raine cringed.
"What, cunt?" I laughed. "Why not?"
"It's foul."
"So am I," I reminded her. My leg was starting to bounce up and down, and I couldn’t make it stop. I hated when it did that.
"It's an act."
"An act?" I scoffed. "I've had my dick in as many as six women in one night. I never fucked the same one two nights in a row because there was always another one just waiting her turn.”
“But you weren’t like that with Jillian, were you?”
“Don’t fucking say…” I felt all my muscles tighten up again, and I closed my eyes and tightened my jaw. I wanted to yell, scream, curse, and maybe do worse. My mind and body were going in too many different directions. I didn’t want to talk about her; there was no question about that. The thought of seeing Raine with her head tossed back and moaning…well, that I definitely found very intriguing, and the thought had brought my dick right back up to attention. Actually, he was just about to start marking his territory – maybe even designing a little flag to make sure all the other cocks out there knew which areas he claimed – at the very thought of maybe going a little further with Raine. At the very least, he hoped to get the chance to jack off, either with or without her assistance.
