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My leg was bouncing again, and it was going to drive me insane.
“Bastian…” I heard her moving close to me and looked up quickly. She was reaching out to touch me, and I flinched back, pushing with my heels to move away from her.
“Don’t!” I growled.
“Don’t what?” Raine asked. She stopped coming closer.
“Don’t touch me,” I clarified.
“Why not?”
Because I want it and I don’t deserve it.
“Just don’t fucking touch me!” My hands were starting to shake along with my leg, and I wondered if you could go through withdrawal twice without actually imbibing in between. Long story short – I wanted a drink. I fucking needed a drink, and there was nowhere to get one. My hands found my hair and tugged against the roots.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Stark?”
“Don’t fucking talk to me,” I snarled.
“You aren’t seriously pining for that bitch, are you? I mean, really, she’s fucked half the guys in the organization, and that’s just this week.”
“Don’t you fucking talk about her that way!” I screamed, heading towards him and ready for blood. I watched my fist connect with his temple.
This sort of thing was exactly why I lived in a fucking bottle as often as possible. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need to be thinking about this shit and remembering all the fucked up moments in my life. I certainly didn’t need this tiny little girl fucking with my life this way. I needed time to clear my head, and I needed to be away from Raine before she sent me completely over the edge.
Over the edge.
That’s what I needed.
I pushed past Raine and crawled over to the raft opening. I raised myself up on my knees and started unbuttoning my shorts.
“What are you doing?” Raine cried out.
“I need a swim,” I said. I rose up enough to pull the shorts down over my hips and then twisted a bit to pull them off. I grabbed the end of the tether and started tying it to my waist. Once it was secure, I looked over my shoulder to see Raine with her hands over her face.
“I don’t care if you look, you know,” I said bluntly.
“I do.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to,” Raine said softly.
“Are you afraid you are going to like it?” I taunted. I wanted her to be angry with me. I wanted her to scream obscenities and tell me what a fucking asshole I was. I didn’t want her help, her kindness, or anything else from her. I couldn’t let myself feel anything for her, and pissing her off was the best recourse for making sure she hated me. I needed to be able justify whatever it was I was trying to bury inside myself, and she needed to stay the fuck away from me before I brought her down to my level.
“No,” Raine said. I didn’t need to see her glare – I could hear it. “Why are you going swimming?”
There was fear in her voice, and it occurred to me she probably thought I wasn’t coming back. I wanted to yell at her to not be so fucking pathetic, but couldn’t bring myself to do it even if it would be the means to the end I sought. Everything in my body was tensed, and I could feel my muscles rallying around the contradictory mental messages to run, to fight, to embrace, to kill…
“I have too much energy and no where to put it,” I told her. “There aren’t that many options around here.”
“Well, what are your options?”
“Besides swimming?” Distracted by her question, I looked around and considered the options. I came up wi
th nothing that didn’t involve getting Raine in a similar outfit to the one I was wearing at that exact moment, minus the tether. Well…maybe even with the tether. Shit. “If this fucking raft came with a weight room, I’d be set.”
“I think it’s located right past the en suite bath,” Raine smiled, and all thoughts of making her hate me vanished.
