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“You did what you had to do at the time,” Raine reasoned. “I’m not going to pretend I like it, but I understand, given the circumstances.”
“You’ve got to be completely insane,” I told her. “Not that I’m arguing with it, because I’m not, but you can’t be right in the head to take all of it in stride the way you do.”
“Maybe,” she admitted, “but I don’t think so. I think if someone had loved you the way you deserved a long time ago, none of that would have happened.”
“Maybe I’m just unlovable.”
Raine turned her eyes on me, and her glare would have made me take a step back had I been standing.
“That is not true!” she yelled over the sound of the pounding rain. “Just because no one ever took the time to get to know you doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Don’t ever say that again!”
“Shit, Raine,” I growled and pounded the back of my head against the make-shift mattress. I was starting to get fucking pissed. “Even as a kid no one fucking wanted me. You know the one thing in common with every single foster parent who kicked me out? The same thing they had in common with my real parents - me. That’s it. At some point I had to accept that I was the fucking problem. I’m not a nice guy, Raine. Haven’t you fucking noticed that? Why do you think I was so good at fighting? Because when people piss me off, I want to kill them. That was my value to Landon. That was the only time anyone ever had any use for me.”
“Bastian, you are about the most useful person I have ever known, and that was long before I saw you fight.”
“But I only know that shit because of fighting.” I had no idea where I was going with this shit. It had started out as a means to distract her from the storm, which was really raging outside now, so mission accomplished. I hadn’t actually intended to get into it this deep, and now I was officially in over my head. When Bastian Stark gets in over his head, the asshole comes out. Long before my brain listened to the words it was forming, they were already out of my mouth. “The only reason you even fell in love with me was because I saved your life. There’s probably a fucking syndrome with your name on it. Fuck, if any other guy from the ship had been on the raft with us, you’d probably be fucking him now instead of me!”
Raine gasped, and I think my heart actually stopped beating for a few seconds. Holy shit, I didn’t even know where that came from. I guess on some level, I believed it, but I sure as hell never meant to say it.
“Fuck, Raine…” But I didn’t have any kind of follow up sentence to offer her.
“Bastian, do you really think so little of me?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I didn’t even like how the words sounded in my ears. I thought the fucking world of her – how could she not know that? Oh yeah, because I’m a complete dick.
“Do you really think I would give myself to you because you are the only other person here?” She pushed against my arms and sat up, staring down at me. “Do you think I have sex with you because I’m just bored, and you’re the only guy around? Is that really what you think? You think that I would or could replace you with just any guy’s penis?”
I didn’t even know how to answer her, so I kept my stupid mouth shut. I had the distinct feeling that if it had not been for the rain, she wouldn’t still be in my presence at all. When I realized she was going to wait for me to come up with an answer, I still didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t think you’re like that,” I finally said. “I never did, and I don’t know why I said that. I never know what to think about you. I don’t know why you…why you do anything for me.”
“Because I love you.” There were tears in her eyes now, and it fucking tore me apart.
“I don’t understand that, either.”
“Because you are worth it,” she said with determination. I started to argue, but she placed her little hand right over my mouth and told me to shut up. “I love you because of you. Not because you’re strong enough to kill people. Not because you know everything there is to know about how to survive out here. Not because you’ve saved my life over and over again. Certainly not because you’re the only guy in the general area.”
“I love you because you are worthy of my love,” she continued. “I love you because you show me every day how much you care about me and how much I mean to you. You show me when you worry about me getting sunburned, when you make sure I eat a bunch of different things to stay healthy, and when you make love to me. I love you because under all that brawn, you are gentle and caring. I love your internal strength and willingness to persevere, no matter what life has thrown at you. I love you because when you recite poetry to me, I can hear in your voice how much you mean it. I love you more than anyone and anything in the world, and I can’t imagine my life without you now – not here, not anywhere else.”
She moved her hand away from my mouth and sat back, her arms crossed.
“And don’t you dare say to me that my love is misplaced, because it’s not. I love you, Bastian Stark. You are worthy of it, and nothing you say is going to make that change.”
I didn’t know what to say. Any words I could have invented on my own would have been inadequate, so I used someone else’s.
“Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet which still clings fast to the heel that crushed it.”
Raine’s eyes met mine again, her tears still staining her cheeks.
“I’m a heel, Raine,” I told her. “You’re my beautiful violet, and I’m always crushing you. You take away my nightmares, and I probably add to yours. I don’t think I will ever believe I deserve you, but I love you more than I can even describe. I don’t know if I can ever…be better for you, but if you’re willing to keep forgiving me for being a complete idiot, I’m willing to keep trying.”
“You are forgiven, my strong, beautiful, gentle idiot.” Raine’s smile covered me in her love.
While the wind and rain battered at our shelter, I reached up and pulled her down to me, my lips gently caressing hers. I rolled her onto her back on the mattress and showed her how much her words meant to me the only way I knew how.
* * * * *
If I really wanted to, I could have figured out exactly how long it had been since we arrived on the island, but I didn’t really care anymore. On the raft I paid attention based on how many days of water we had left, but here it was not an issue. If I was going to estimate, I’d say it had been about two months since the ship sank, but I didn’t know for sure and most importantly, I didn’t give a shit.
