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Reading them only gave me more questions for Luca that he never wanted to answer, and that only upset me more. The guilt I’d been carrying about my feelings for Luca lessened a little more every time I read Remington’s emails. He wanted me to be happy, and he figured the only way I could truly find that happiness was with Luca.
But I wasn’t so sure he was right.
With each passing day—and Luca never once telling me how he really felt—I couldn’t help thinking that the only reason Luca wanted me around was because he’d made a promise to a dying man. It made me think of our relationship before he’d cheated, and I started questioning everything until I didn’t know if I was coming or going.
Had Luca ever really been in love with me? He’d always said I was his soulmate, the other half of himself that he couldn’t live without. But he’d never once tried to touch me back then, just as he never once touched me suggestively now. If he’d wanted me even half as much as I wanted him, there was no way he could have kept his hands to himself.
Right?
Maybe he had loved me back then, but it wasn’t the all-consuming love I’d felt. It didn’t rip his soul from his body when he lost me. His heart still beat in his chest, whereas mine had stopped completely until Remington changed my life.
Growing up, I’d been Luca’s best friend, second to no one. Just as he’d been mine. Not even Shaw could take his place back then. That friendship had deepened on both our parts, but I didn’t think it became for him what it became for me. I’d only been Luca Thornton’s favorite toy. He’d been possessive and overprotective of me, loving me, but not in love with me. When it came down to it, he was able to tear me apart as if I was nothing to him.
There was love, and then there was the love I’d had for Luca, and there was no way he’d felt what I was feeling.
Just as he couldn’t possibly feel it now.
And that hurt. More than anything, it hurt because I wanted him to love me like that.
I wanted him to love me like I’d once loved him.
Like I still loved him.
At first, when that realization had hit me, I’d felt so guilty because it seemed like I was being disloyal to Remington. But the more I read his emails to Luca, the more I realized it was what he wanted for me. While we were together, I’d loved my husband with everything in me. He knew that. But he also knew that I’d pushed down my love for Luca, burying it so we could be happy without the ghost of what I felt for someone else overshadowing our happiness.
It had taken a little while, but I’d unburied that love for Luca, and it was consuming me once more.
I couldn’t tell him that, though. Not when he wouldn’t even tell me he loved me.
I couldn’t tell him, and I couldn’t keep going on as we were. Sleeping in the same bed with him ever
y night. Having him take care of me only because he’d made Remington a promise—and not because he actually wanted to be with me—was slowly killing me.
When Luca woke up that morning to go to practice, I was already up. I hadn’t even been to bed. I’d spent the night once again reading through his emails with Remington, and I was too tired to even think about Luca’s reason for agreeing to anything my husband asked of him. I wanted to ask him why again, but knew I wouldn’t get a real answer from him, so I didn’t even try.
I was tired, but more than anything else, I was done.
I couldn’t do this anymore. It wasn’t fair to either of us. Luca had already done so much for me and the baby, but he deserved to have his space back and not to have to deal with us. I needed to move on again. Make a life for myself and Love Bug that wouldn’t rip out both our hearts when Luca decided later on down the road that we weren’t what he wanted.
Earlier, I’d called the pilot and told him to get the plane ready. It wasn’t smart to fly as pregnant as I was, but I needed to get back to Santa Monica so I could have the baby there. Shaw and my mom would be with me, so it wasn’t like I had to give birth alone. They were both supposed to fly out and stay at Shaw’s parents’ place closer to my due date, but I needed to go home before I made things even harder on myself with Luca.
“Morning, babe,” Luca said with a yawn as he walked to the coffeepot and poured himself a huge mug. He was in nothing more than a pair of basketball shorts with his chest and feet bare as he turned around so his back was against the counter, sipping his coffee with his eyes closed.
I sat at the island, letting my eyes eat up the sight of him like that for the last time. Luca was nothing but muscle, everywhere. His wide shoulders, thick chest, and tapered waist were hard as a rock. His abs were so defined, it was like he had canyons between them, and my fingers literally ached to trace them.
But he’d never let me touch him like that in the past, and I didn’t know if I would survive if he stopped me should I try now. I couldn’t help wondering if maybe he’d been repulsed by my touch all those years ago and that was why he’d never wanted me to touch him. Maybe our age difference had just been an excuse not to hurt my feelings back then.
When his lashes started to lift, I quickly shifted my gaze so that when he finally looked at me, I was staring out the kitchen window. It was already turning into a beautiful day. The sun was lifting into the sky, and I could hear the birds chirping from the trees, along with Krush’s happy barks in the distance.
I’d let him out earlier so he could have a good run before we left for the airport since he would be cooped up on the plane all day. He loved chasing after the squirrels in the woods that separated Luca’s property from one side of the Nialls’ farm, and I knew I was going to have to go out and find him after Luca left so we could leave.
“You’re quiet this morning,” Luca commented, crossing to me and setting his mug on the island’s surface between us. I felt his eyes on me, but I didn’t have the strength to meet his gaze. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m good,” I murmured, knowing I was being a coward. I should tell him that I was leaving, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure if I could refuse if he tried to talk me into staying, and if he told me goodbye, I was certain what was left of my heart would completely shatter.
“Vi, hey.” He took one of my hands, squeezing it in an attempt to get me to look at him. “Tell me what’s wrong. I can tell there’s something. Talk to me, babe.”
I forced a smile and dared to lift my eyes until I was looking at his chin. “Just a little bit of a headache. I didn’t sleep last night. I think I’ll take a walk once you leave. I’m sure the fresh air will clear my head.”
