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Like they only lived for each other. Because of each other.
That was some intense shit.
“If you ever need to talk, Shade, I’m here. I’d understand.”
His heart seized in his chest and he quickly drew a blank mask over his face. “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”
“You think I don’t recognize it?”
His pulse began to race, causing a ringing in his ears. She was quickly destroying the numbing effect of the booze and pot and was unaware she was doing so.
“I see it, Shade. You can hide it from the others, but you can’t hide it from me. Everyone in this club is haunted in one way or another, but your ghosts are similar to mine. I get it. I understand being unable to sleep because you’re afraid when you do, you’ll be taken back there, to that darkness.”
Everything she said was true. She didn’t need a confirmation from him.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
She wanted it, anyway. “Not wrong.”
She tipped her head toward the bottle of Jack Daniel’s perched on his thigh. “You’re self-medicating.”
Jesus fucking Christ. He did his best not to tense against her but was finding it impossible. They didn’t talk about this shit. None of them. If they recognized it, they kept their fucking mouths shut. As long as whatever it was didn’t hurt anyone, no one said a fucking word.
Like Easy keeping quiet about Shade’s inability to read.
But here she was, calling him out. He didn’t like it, not one bit. He fought fire with fire. “So does Sig.”
That shot didn’t even phase her. “Yes, he does. Sig needs what he needs to get him from one day to the next. Unfortunately, a big part of what he needs is no longer available to him.”
“’Cause of you.”
“Because of me,” she echoed. “I feel guilty about that.”
Fuck. Sig had given up what he needed, what kept his sanity somewhat level, for her. So, her guilt wasn’t unexpected. “You shouldn’t.” Her ol’ man was trying other ways to fill that need. Some helped, some didn’t. That was how much the man loved her. How much he lived for her.
“Maybe. But I do. I sometimes think I should let him have that.”
Yeah, her guilt was so fucking thick, he could almost taste it. “But you don’t.”
“I don’t because if I did, the guilt would eat at him. I think it would make what haunts him worse. It might even destroy him.”
“He wants to be loyal to you.”
“Yes. Even if it hurts him.”
“Even if it hurts him if he’s not.”
“It’ll hurt both of us if he’s not,” she whispered.
And there was the problem. They were damned if Sig did, damned if he didn’t.
The sadness in her voice pained him. This was not a woman who let herself wallow. She had spent over a year in a dark place some might not have survived and once she found the light, she embraced it and usually didn’t let anything dim it.
“He loves you. Would do anythin’ for you.” Sig would die for her, but Shade saw no point in mentioning that. Red knew her ol’ man would give his life up in a heartbeat for her.
“I feel the same.” She leaned her head against his bicep and sighed. “I wish life was easier for all of us.”
She wasn’t the only one.
“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I’m here if you need me. If you need to talk.” She lifted her head from his arm and tipped her face up to his. “I don’t know where you disappear to at night, Sig won’t tell me, but I can guess.”
Fuck. “Autumn...”
“Just be careful, please. That’s all I ask. Because if I ask you to stop, I know that request will go ignored.”
He wanted to explain but couldn’t. The plan with the Shirley Clan wasn’t to be discussed. Not with anyone. Not even one of their victims.
“I told him I didn’t want anyone going back up there. Not ever. Then what happened with Dyna... You guys weren’t given that choice...”
Just like that, in a blink of an eye, Red vanished. Physically she still sat right next to him. But her eyes went distant, her expression empty and she disappeared inside her head.
She was gone. To wherever she went.
Unfortunately, he had an idea where.
It still happened to her a lot. Probably more often than she or Sig would like. Something else in a long list of things no one talked about. They were all used to it and Sig usually knew how to draw her back.
Most times she snapped out of it on her own, like when the door from the bunkhouse opened again and who he expected to walk through it did. The man’s eyes landed immediately on his ol’ lady. As he approached, Shade saw Sig’s teeth were clenched tightly and a muscle was jumping in his cheek.
