He nodded. ‘Of course.’
Lydia’s emotions since she’d kissed Connor had been up and down and if her boss knew anything about that night, he hadn’t mentioned it. He was too high on new-baby euphoria to take much notice of anything, and for that Lydia was grateful.
*
Lydia had put the extra hours in on Thursday night and left work at lunchtime on the Friday, only after Ian insisted that it was nothing to do with her circumstances and everything to do with how good a boss he was. The train prices to travel up to the care home in Suffolk were extortionate, so she’d ended up hiring a car instead. Even when you accounted for the fuel and the extra insurance, it worked out a much better deal and the flexibility took away any additional stress. Grace would be around this weekend too, and Lydia knew it would ease the situation. She hadn’t been looking forward to spending time with Anita, but with her daughter there it would dilute any emotions that ran high.
It was late May and longer days were already bringing the promise of summer closer, and the drive from Bath up to Suffolk was a pleasant, albeit long one, with no hold-ups and plenty of sunshine warming her through the windows. She was heading straight for the care home where she’d stay for an hour before driving on to Walberswick, where Anita and Grace would be waiting for her. They’d both seen Theo earlier in the day so she was glad she’d get to see Theo on her own.
Lydia stopped halfway on the journey for a snack and to use the bathroom, and already she knew she wouldn’t be able to do this every weekend. She was beginning to learn that as well as having hope, you had to adopt a certain level of realism in this sort of situation. The journey was tiring, hiring a car was an extra cost on one wage, and then there was the accommodation she’d have to fork out for eventually. She’d agreed to stay at Anita’s home this time, but only because she had an ally in Grace. Next time she’d be booking herself into the nearest bed and breakfast just for the headspace.
Lydia had paid extra for the satnav and was grateful for it as she came off the main roads. She followed the windy lanes, skinny and only willing to let cars past singularly with little pull-in bays at intervals, and eventually the satnav brought her to the care home. She pulled into the car park and for a minute or two she didn’t move. The building was drab, not at all what she’d expected, and little more than an Edwardian house that had obviously been converted. When she stepped out of the car, she hoped the inside would be vastly different and make her glad Theo had been brought here.
It wasn’t. She pushed open the door and it was as though she’d stepped into someone’s home except one that smelt of antiseptic, one that had an underlying aroma of damp or mould, and the sound of disturbed voices she assumed came from residents. And the woman who greeted her looked as though she’d rather be anywhere else than here.
Lydia tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and extended her hand. ‘Hi, I’m Lydia.’
The woman shook her hand but immediately afterwards, Lydia wanted to use the same handwash they’d had at the hospital, because the handshake was warm, clammy and not pleasant.
‘Who are you here to see, love?’ The woman moved slowly over to what Lydia assumed was the main desk with its low lighting and phone obediently sitting on its cradle.
‘I’m here to see Theo Morgan.’
The woman pulled a face until recognition gave way. ‘Ah yes, Theo, our youngest resident.’ She said it as though it was a tremendous accolade. ‘Follow me. I’ll take you to him.’
Anita had told Lydia that Theo was well looked after here, that the staff were checking everything they needed to, that his needs were satisfied, and so Lydia tried to put her initial misgivings aside and followed the woman. At least it was relatively slow-paced in here, compared to the general ward at the hospital with people coming and going all the time. Then again, Lydia wasn’t entirely sure whether that was a good thing or not. The wailing she’d heard when she’d first arrived had stopped and it was definitely quiet. Deathly quiet in fact. Lydia shivered, wondering whether that was too accurate a description and whoever had been making the noise had simply keeled over.
As she followed the woman, whose name she still didn’t know, because she hadn’t been told and she wasn’t wearing a name badge, she wondered how many people came in here and never left again. The thought sent shivers down her spine.
‘Here we are.’ The woman bustled into a room with a cream-painted door in need of a spruce up. But inside, at least the room was clean from what Lydia could see and there was no accompanying unwelcome smell. ‘The lady on shift before me said they’ve turned him so that’s done, and your mother-in-law has been in for a few hours today. Theo had a bit of a mouth ulcer too, but we’ve used special swabs and it should clear up soon. And the flowers your mother-in-law brought in will cheer him up.’
Cheer him up? He couldn’t see the flowers so how could they possibly do that?Lydia would’ve laughed if the reality wasn’t so incomprehensible.
‘Thank you,’ she said, rather than criticising the woman who had at least been informative. Perhaps Anita was right. Maybe, even though the woman hadn’t acknowledged Theo, they were doing a good job of taking care of him. She hated to think of him being turned, poked and prodded like an object rather than a human being. She wondered how many people came by his room when visitors had all gone home.
Lydia gulped back the tears of frustration and moved over to the bed. ‘Hey you.’ She was excited to see him but hesitant too. She’d got used to the hospital environment, she knew what was what, but here, she felt way out of her depth.
She pulled up the chair from beside the window. As she put her hand on his she noticed his nails were clipped neatly, his hair washed and brushed and she smiled at him. He was being looked after, that was all she needed to know. She cleared her throat. Funny, she’d got used to one-sided conversations in the hospital but after a couple of weeks without it, it felt odd again.
She told Theo all about her night out with Sally, minus the part that included Connor, and she talked about how Sally was booking another skiing holiday. ‘She’s asked me to go, but you know me and skiing. We don’t exactly mix.’
Lydia talked more about the intricacies of her job and told Theo about the house. ‘The cupboard you fixed in the kitchen is still on its hinges,’ she said, ‘so you did a good job.’ And after she’d exhausted all topics of conversation she said goodnight to him, said goodbye to the same woman at the front desk and went out to the car.
In a fresh wave of frustration, exhaustion and utter helplessness, she began to cry. Her Theo was getting further and further away and she was powerless to stop it.
*
Anita made her welcome in her home, the spacious, five-bedroomed, handsome red brick house with absolutely nothing out of place except for post that dropped onto the mat or when the dinner plates lined the table after everyone had finished. There was always a faint whiff of furniture polish in the air as though she spritzed each room on a regular basis, just a little in the air to give off a scent. But Lydia had never once seen this place gather a speck of dust. It was almost as though the house was too scared to deviate from the norm.
‘Is your room okay, Lydia?’ Anita finished wiping down the sink after dinner, insisting neither of the girls were to help. ‘I do hope you’ll make yourself at home. Theo would like that.’
Her bedroom for two nights was at the top of the oak staircase, which stretched into a wide landing housing four bedrooms and a sun lounge area. It was framed by a window that allowed maximum sunlight and Lydia and Theo had often hung out there with a glass of wine as they chatted long into the night. Anita’s room was downstairs at the very back of the house and so from his teens onwards Theo had told Lydia this floor was practically an adult-free zone unless they had someone staying with them.
‘It’s lovely, thank you, Anita.’ She smiled at Grace who was running her finger along the bottles of wine in the wine rack, selecting her poison for the night. Over dinner they’d talked about Theo and the care home, although Grace had drawn the line when Anita had begun going into detail about the PEG feeding-tube and how to look after it. They’d been tucking in to chicken casserole at the time and the subject matter had turned Lydia’s stomach too so she’d sent a silent thank you over to Theo’s sister for being frank. Lydia spent the rest of dinner time attempting not to voice her honest opinion about the care home, hoping her doubts on a Friday night when she was tired and thrown out of the norm would be erased when she visited Theo again over the weekend. Perhaps then she may be able to accept that this decision had been the right one.
Lydia nodded to Grace at the offer of a glass of wine. ‘Yes please, I’d love one.’
‘Nice little get-about car you’ve got for the weekend.’ Grace poured two glasses; Anita had declined and disappeared off down the hallway, leaving them to it.
