‘Oh Mum.’ Grace shook her head but apart from that she stayed out of the conversation. Lydia didn’t blame her.
‘You know how I think it’s best to talk to him,’ Anita went on, ‘to make him a part of what’s going on, so I talked to him about the care home, just in case he can hear me. He knows what’s in his room, he knows I’ve picked fresh flowers, made it his own by lining up a few of his favourite books.’
He can’t fucking read!Lydia wanted to yell.He’s in a damn coma, you stupid woman!She physically bit down on her lower lip as Anita continued.
‘I thought it important to tell him why you wouldn’t be in so often. I’ve explained that you’re in Bath and he’s not far from Walberswick. And I’ve also been saying that you won’t be able to come up much what with your job, the cost of hiring a car every time, not when you have a mortgage to pay for.’
‘I don’t mind the cost.’ Suddenly Lydia wasn’t remotely hungry.
‘No, I know you don’t. But it’s a big commitment and…and…’
‘Come on, spit it out.’
‘Lydia.’ Anita was shocked at the snappiness in Lydia’s tone.
‘What exactly are you getting at?’ Lydia persisted.
The oven timer pinged and Anita pushed her hands into the two red oven mitts hanging loyally from the Aga. She took out the tray and dropped a scone onto each of the three plates. ‘Eat them while they’re hot,’ she said as though they hadn’t been in the middle of something important. ‘There’s raspberry jam and cream too.’ She turned to put the hot tray back on top of the cooker.
‘I know there’s jam and cream, Anita, I spooned them into the little bowls myself.’ Lydia wasn’t going to let this go.
‘Lydia.’ Anita didn’t touch her scone just yet. ‘I know you loved Theo.’
‘Love…IloveTheo. There’s an important distinction between the two words.’
Grace put jam on all three scones and topped them with cream.
‘I’m not trying to upset you.’ Anita toyed with her scone but didn’t pick it up. ‘I’m his mother, I nursed him as a baby, I cared for him unconditionally and now it’s my job to see him through this. I can’t expect you to do the same.’
‘He’s not your baby any more. He’s a grown man!’ She wanted to add ‘who you put into a care home of all places’ but Grace grabbed her arm.
‘Lydia, ease off, okay,’ Grace warned.
Anita carried on. ‘All I’m saying is that I don’t expect you to come up all the time. Theo is well looked after and I know life goes on, as they say.’
They ate their scones in silence, every mouthful getting a little bit stuck on its way down, the words hovering between them and Lydia not daring to open her mouth for fear it would land her in more trouble. When they’d finished, Anita cleared the plates and disappeared off to bed without another word about it.
Lydia was about to follow the oak staircase up to her room but Grace stopped her. ‘Lydia, wait a moment, would you?’
She turned to face Theo’s sister.
‘Mum doesn’t mean to make you feel unwanted.’
‘No? Well that’s exactly what she’s doing. She knows best, I know nothing. I feel as though I’m in the way, not welcome in Theo’s life anymore.’
‘That’s not her intention, I know it’s not. And you know she’s right, don’t you?’
‘About what?’
‘You’re in limbo and it’s torture for you. Mum is giving you an out, with her blessing. I don’t fully understand her reasons. I don’t know why she’s not banding together with you, telling you to do this that and the other to help Theo come out of this, even if talking to him and being by his bedside is all you can do. But she’s hurting, going through a mother’s pain that neither you nor I can possibly understand.’
‘I try to understand, I really do Grace.’
‘She’s hurting. She lost Christopher and now, she could lose Theo and it’s scaring her half to death.’
‘You think I’m not scared too?’
Grace put a hand on Lydia’s arm. ‘We’re all scared.’
‘I can’t just walk away.’ Lydia felt a tear slowly trickle down one cheek and then, before she swiped it away, another trickled down her opposite cheek. ‘I already let him down once in that hospital room on the very first day, by not keeping my promise. I should’ve been more intent on telling the doctors what this would be like from Theo’s point of view, that being like this, stuck in that place for who knows how long, would kill him before anything else could. If he does ever wake up…he’ll hate me forever.’She was tired of everything, drained physically and emotionally. It was as though she was being tested every day, tested to find out what her limits were and how much she could take before she would break.
The look on Grace’s face was caught between one that said he wasn’t going to wake up in all likelihood, and another that said that was exactly how he’d feel. Right now it felt as though the two of them knew Theo better than anyone else in the world, even better than his own mother.
Lydia was still crying. ‘I’ve no idea whether being in the care home is going to help Theo move to the next stage, or whether it’s going to nurture him into being in this state forever more, a life on pause, unrecognisable from the one he had before.’
All Lydia knew right now was that it was up to her to fight to stay in Theo’s life, to make sure she wasn’t pushed aside. Because even if he did wake up and hate her for all of this, she still wanted to be there for him. She owed him that much.
