‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Go on.’
‘Why did you never tell me about Christopher?’
He took a deep breath. ‘You and my mum did get close while I was asleep.’
She wasn’t going to let him ignore the question. ‘It’s a pretty big deal, Theo. We were together a long, long time, but you never said.’
‘Mum doesn’t like to talk about it.’
‘Grace told me.’
‘That figures. Grace always has a knack to tell it how it is. I like that about my sister.’ His eyebrows knitted closer together as he tried to find the words. ‘When Christopher died, I lost a piece of me. It’s sounds dramatic, but it’s how I felt. And even though my memory is shit now, I still remember the pain my parents were in back then. I swear it’s what did irreparable damage to the both of them.’
‘It must’ve been an awful time.’
‘It was, and I don’t know, I always wanted to put things right. I thought if I could be the star child I could make it up to them in some way, give them a reason to be happy again. I worked hard at school and their praise was reward enough, especially when they managed to smile. I got addicted to the emotions and the more I saw them delight in the good times, the more I wanted them.
‘I worked my butt off at school and uni and then it didn’t stop when I was in the workplace. When my parents split up it made me want to do more, do something to fix yet another impossible situation.’
‘It wasn’t up to you,’ Lydia told him as he fiddled with a used napkin on the table.
‘I know. As an adult I can see that, but I think I’d been pushing myself for so long I didn’t know how to stop. Mum admitted part of the reason she couldn’t possibly contemplate pulling the plug on me was because of Christopher. She’d already lost one son, losing another was…well, she refused to do it. I think even if I’d been stuck in a bed for the rest of my days she would’ve dealt with that better than if I’d died.’
‘You don’t mean that, Theo.’
‘I do. I gave her a focus, kept her so busy she didn’t have to think about the despair she’d feel if I didn’t make it.’ He looked at her. ‘Even now I can’t explain why I didn’t tell you about Christopher. Maybe it was because I thought I’d fall apart telling the story, perhaps I worried you’d mention it to Mum and she’d get upset. But I’m glad you know now.’
They sat in quiet contemplation until Lydia said. ‘I should go. It’s a long drive back.’
As she stood up he said, ‘I still don’t remember her, you know.’
Lydia knew he was talking about Melanie. ‘Do you need help getting inside?’
He looked at her as though considering whether to let her brush his comment about Melanie aside or not, but then said, ‘No, I’m good, but if you could take the picnic basket in for the staff that’ll save one of them coming to get it.’
She put the napkins and glasses inside the basket and lifted it without speaking.
‘You’ll come again, won’t you?’ he asked.
With the handles of the basket looped over the crook of one arm, she touched his shoulder with her opposite hand. ‘Of course I will.’ And then she bent down and kissed him goodbye. ‘I’ll see you soon,’ she said.
*
The next week passed slowly and Jonathan, true to his word, kept his distance. He hadn’t called her and he only texted now and then, general chit-chat that she sometimes returned, sometimes didn’t.
She spent her days at the office and every evening at the dance studio, losing herself in the rhythm and beat of the music, remembering only the things she wanted to. It helped calm her mind, it helped her sleep and work out what she really wanted.
By the time she drove up to Suffolk again on a sunny spring afternoon, she was able to smile broadly at the carpets of bluebells she passed along the way. And when she walked towards the rehab facility it was as a complete person, a person who had been through a time so difficult it didn’t feel real, a woman who had fallen in love with two men and now had a choice to make.
She waved up at Theo who was watching out of his window and they exchanged a smile that was so much more than a greeting.
And Lydia knew then that she’d made her choice.
