‘It’s nothing I didn’t expect so carry on.’
‘With all the moaning that went on, Barney never once joined in. He didn’t once say you shouldn’t have done it, that you should have stayed.’
‘Being here was painful. Every single day.’ She gulped, the memories assaulting her from every angle. ‘I had this unbearable sadness hovering over me like a fog that never lifted. It stopped me seeing any of the good things. I’d walk along The Street and see Mum coming out of the bakery – I’m not suggesting it was a ghost of her, but I’d see someone who looked so much like her that for a moment my mind would trick me and it was like being pulled to the top of one of those big-drop amusement rides and then dropped down from a great height. Any moment when I felt like my parents were still here was like a giant slap in the face. Some days I’d dream Dad was downstairs in the kitchen at their cottage and I was in bed, woken by the sound of him tapping out a melody against his cup with a metal spoon, something he did every time he made a cup of tea. It used to drive me crazy when he did it. And when I woke up from those dreams, I’d sometimes even call out to tell him to stop it, before I realised it wasn’t real.’
‘Surely the pain followed you,’ said Tracy. ‘I know when I went on holiday, up to Scarborough, I still felt the loss of Mum enormously I barely wanted to go out some days. I felt so sorry for myself. All I wanted to do was talk to Mum and I had to make do with Giles. I told him that too,’ she smiled, ‘and he apologised for being such a poor consolation prize.’
‘You’re both still really happy?’
‘We have our moments, every marriage does, but I love that man to bits.’
She almost told Tracy about the engagement then, touching her right hand to the fourth finger on her left. But she had to hold back, it would be more special when they had a ring to make it official.
Melissa waited for the family who’d been eating nearby to walk past their table and back towards the pub before she carried on. ‘I guess being away from here, there were no constant reminders for me. I had to focus on finding my own way around a big city, I had to navigate the tube in London, which I’d never done before, and slowly the adventure distracted me enough to make me feel as though a weight had lifted. It was still there, of course, but a lot of the pain was eased. And then came the change of career. I lined up interviews for cabin crew and the application process kept me busy. Finally I wasn’t turning street corners feeling sad – instead, I was full of hope. I felt that at last I could start over.’
‘It sounds as though getting away really was the solution for you. Tell me, since you’ve been back, have you been down to the cove?’
‘Not yet, but I will. I suppose I wanted to find my feet first.’
‘And the cemetery?’
She toyed with a beer mat that looked as though it had already been fiddled with plenty of times. ‘I’m not sure I can do it.’
‘I know it’ll never bring them back, but it might be nice to put some flowers there, sit a while.’ Tracy didn’t push it. She’d always been good at dishing out advice and then taking a step back to let you process. ‘How’s it going being around Harvey after all this time?’
‘It’s not been terrible, but we haven’t talked, at least not properly. I think we’re both afraid to. Like I said, I was angry at him for a long time for not leaving with me as we’d planned. I called a couple of times but he never answered and then I got so furious, I stopped trying.’
‘You were punishing him.’
‘Yes, I suppose I was. Maybe I needed to find myself on my own without someone holding me up. I think it made me stronger, does that make sense?’
‘It does, but listen, he’s not a bad man, quite the opposite. Try talking to him again.’
She nodded. ‘Another drink?’ She’d finished hers and found she was enjoying herself here as much as she’d hoped she would.
‘Yes please.’ Tracy grabbed Melissa’s wrist before Melissa could pass by and go into the pub. ‘This is nice, I’ve missed this.’
‘You’ve no idea how much I’ve missed it too.’
When Melissa returned with the drinks and settled back into her spot she told Tracy, ‘I came back, you know.’
The pint glass didn’t reach Tracy’s mouth. ‘Here? To Heritage Cove? When? I never knew and nobody ever let on.’
‘That’s because nobody knew. No one saw me – I hired a car, I kept my head down.’
‘What, so you drove into the village and straight out again?’
‘Not quite. I pulled up near the bus stop trying to think of where I’d go first. And that was when I saw Harvey.’
‘But he didn’t see you?’
‘No. He was in The Street, going about his life as though everything was normal. He was chatting and laughing away with Tilly. It was then that I realised perhaps he was better off without me. He’d never wanted to leave the Cove, not really. I instigated it and he went along with the plan because he loved me. His heart was never in it as much as mine was. I couldn’t be selfish by turning up and begging him to come with me, and at the same time I couldn’t stay in the Cove for him. It was as though with a new career and a new city entirely I’d found a part of myself again. So I turned the car around and went straight back to London.’
Tracy was shaking her head. ‘You never were one to hang around and ask for explanations.’
‘That’s because explanations usually involve excuses, explanations usually end up hurting someone. And I’d been hurt enough. I’d managed to stand on my own two feet, pull myself out of a deep, dark hole that I never wanted to disappear into again. I figured me driving away was probably best for everyone.’
‘Harvey would’ve done anything for you.’
