She walked down the gravelled path leading to the chapel itself, the grass too long on one side and swaying in the wind, begging for a cut. She continued on the same path alongside the chapel and to the back and didn’t stop until she reached the very end of the grassy area where the single headstone stood solidly. Crouching down, she laid an arrangement she’d bought at the florist tucked away in a side street beyond the pub. She placed it down as delicately as if the stone beneath were able to feel her movements, arranging the ivy that surrounded white carnations and large-headed yellow roses so it nestled perfectly.
She sat on the grass for a while, nothing but silence and the odd cry of a gull to keep her company. When an ant ran across her skin she got up, brushed the strands of grass clinging to her dress and stood next to the headstone again. She put a hand against the surface, she reached out and ran her fingers across the epitaph, the simple words, the goodbye that would never be enough, that would never let her have another moment with her mum or her dad, the centre of her world.
She thought about all the times as a kid they’d run along the adjacent track to head down to the cove, her mum fretting she’d fall she took the track so fast, her dad laughing and encouraging her to keep being a kid and never worry about a little bit of dirt.
When had life got so hard? When had being an adult eclipsed everything else, all that was fun, all the freedom you had when you were young without really realising?
‘I miss you,’ she said quietly, her hand still on the headstone. And it was only when she spoke that she realised the tears had snuck up on her. She couldn’t stop them. She looked upwards to try her best at halting them in their tracks, but they were adamant.
A bird swooped across the sky as though it hadn’t a care in the world and she looked back at the place her parents were buried again. ‘Why did you have to leave me? It’s not fair…it’s not fair…it’s not fair…’ She no longer cared about the tears, they’d been collecting for years, trying to find their way out.
She hadn’t realised anyone else was nearby until a hand rested on her shoulder. The person hadn’t even scared her, she’d been lost in the moment, still was. ‘It’s so unfair,’ she repeated as the visitor folded her into her arms.
Tilly let her cry against her until there were no more tears left.
‘Better?’ Tilly asked when the sobs subsided at last.
She looked up. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve cried all over you.’
‘Don’t worry, although if there’d been snot I’m not sure I could forgive you.’ She sat down on the grass cross-legged andslipped off her beaded flip flops in the summer heat.
Melissa followed suit and sat down next to her.
‘Is this the first time you’ve been here since you left?’ Her hair was wound up in a high bun, she had on a floaty paisley dress, a typical uniform she wore at the shop and one that suited her for its informality and comfort.
‘First time since the funeral. I didn’t even come here the day I left.’
‘You say it like you’re apologising.’
‘You don’t think it’s terrible?’
‘Why do you care what I think?’
‘I know you’re not happy with me for what I did to Barney.’
Tilly took a deep breath. ‘I may have been a little rash going off at you like that when I first bumped into you. It wasn’t nice.’
‘Don’t pity me because you’ve seen me cry.’
Tilly smiled. ‘It’s more than that. Barney has been there for me a lot over the last year. I’m not sure why he was so much easier to confide in than anyone else, but he was, and in turn I look out for him. I know how much Barney misses you, he never hid the fact, and I guess when you came back all I could think was that you were going to leave again. Not that you can’t – it’s more that I know it’ll be hard for Barney all over again.’
‘I know I hurt him, but I think he understands why.’ Especially if Lois had done the same thing to him.
‘Sounds about right. He’s always been fair, understanding too.’
‘You know, my parents would be so mad if they knew I’d done a runner from the Cove. They were as hooked into this village as Barney is.’
‘I bet they’d be proud you came back when you were needed.’
‘You think so?’
‘I know so.’ She groaned and pushed herself to standing. ‘Now, I’ve got a numb bum sitting on the ground for so long, fancy an iced bun from the bakery and then a browse in my shop? I’ve got a lot of new things since you last came in.’
‘You’re on. Just give me one more minute here.’
Tilly nodded and left her to it.
Melissa sat there a while in quiet contemplation, and when a breeze disrupted the flower arrangement she left the cemetery knowing she wouldn’t ever leave it so long before she came to visit again.
