‘I’m ashamed to say I distanced myself from Barney when we lost Harry. I loved him, but loving him was a reminder of what we’d lost. My aunt and uncle made the decision to sell the business, they said it would be good for all of us to leave Leafbourne, and I saw the light at the end of a very dark tunnel, because it was my escape, a way to run from the pain. Barney and I divorced without ever seeing one another again and I moved on. It was the only way I could function without falling apart. And if ever I thought about Barney I tried to tell myself we were better off apart, that we would be bad for each other, that being together would stop either of us getting past our pain.’
‘I understand that more than you know, Lois,’ said Melissa. ‘Thank you for telling me, I know it can’t be easy.’ She watched Lois, hurting all over again, her hand shaking as this time she drank some of her tea when she lifted the cup. ‘I must admit we were wondering about the dress. Harvey was speculating that Barney had done away with his bride and kept the dress as a souvenir.’
Lois laughed as though talking about all this had been a form of catharsis as well as being intolerably painful. ‘Barney must’ve had his hands full with you two in his life.’
‘We kept him on his toes,’ Melissa admitted.
‘There’s something else too.’
‘You can tell me anything,’ Melissa encouraged, ‘honestly, I won’t judge.’
‘The final thing that convinced me that leaving Barney and Leafbourne was the right thing was when Roger came home from the marina and told me Barney had been hanging around there again – it wasn’t unusual, a whole group of them were regular customers, who mostly paid good money apart from the time Barney had indulged in the joyriding. But Roger told me he’d seen Barney with another woman, he made out that Barney was having an affair.’
‘And was he?’
‘I’m ashamed to say I didn’t even bother asking Barney about it. I doubt it was true, but it was the final excuse I needed to walk away. Every time I looked into Barney’s eyes I saw Harry. I saw our beautiful baby, and I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t escape the pain and I couldn’t face up to it either. I felt trapped. I had to run. And so I left Barney the letter, with my wedding dress. Up until then I hadn’t thrown out the gown even though it was effectively ruined because it hadn’t felt like the right thing to do after using the material in such a significant way. And so I left it for him to deal with.’
‘I don’t think he ever did,’ said Melissa. And now she knew that the dress had been the least of the worries he’d had to deal with on his own. ‘I think his way of coping was to eventually leave Leafbourne and come down here, settle somewhere nobody knew him. Not long after, he must have thrown himself into the organising of the Wedding Dress Ball and raising money for White Clover.’ She smiled across at Lois. ‘I understand why now, and maybe without anyone knowing what had happened, that was what saved him.’
‘Barney had always wanted a family,’ said Lois. ‘Perhaps it was you and your friend Harvey who saved him.’
‘I really hope so. And until this fall of his I’d say he’s been happy. He’s a well-loved, respected pillar of the community. Oh dear, I sound like I’m trying to sell him to you.’
‘Oh no, please…’ Lois reached out and squeezed Melissa’s hand to urge her to continue. ‘I want to hear all about him, please tell me. I want to know so much more.’
Now this, Melissa could do. She talked all about her days as a kid from the moment she befriended the man in the house with the big barn by taking over a basket of eggs. She told Lois all about the apple trees she and Harvey had climbed, how they’d played in the barn after school, and about the times they’d watched the Wedding Dress Ball from the high-up beams until they were told to get down. She rambled on about Barney’s need to get everyone who lived in the Cove involved, how he spent most of his days cruising The Street and talking to people, how he’d supported her decision to leave the village when she so desperately needed to. And she told Lois more about the fall, how Barney wasn’t himself, his talk of a retirement home and giving up running the event he loved every year.
‘Thank you, Melissa, thank you for telling me Barney has had a good life. I always feared he’d never find himself after what happened.’
‘Did you find yourself when you left Leafbourne and Barney behind?’ She knew deep down that the question was partly about Lois and Barney, but also about herself.
‘You don’t get over the loss of a child but you learn a way of coping and moving forwards. I remarried, had two more children, I’ve been happy, I found a kind of peace. Sadly my husband passed away a while ago but my kids and grandkids are my joy.’
‘Wow, grandkids.’
‘They’re hard work but a lot of fun when I have the energy.’
When Melissa’s phone pinged with a message from Barney reminding her of the time for lunch, she quickly messaged him back to ensure him she’d be there. Some days she wondered if he panicked that she’d run again without telling him. She wouldn’t, and she hated the thought that he might be worried she would.
With her phone still in her hand she asked, ‘Would you like to see a picture of Barney?’
Smiling, Lois replied that she would, and she tentatively took the phone once Melissa had settled on one of the photographs she had on there. A couple of days ago, when Melissa was at Barney’s, they’d been mid card game and he was in the kitchen cutting slices of the chocolate and orange upside-down cake Celeste had delivered from the bakery. Melissa had managed to capture the Barney of old with a huge smile and laughter in his eyes as he teased her about the next game he was going to beat her at.
Eyes misted, unable to fully suppress the surge of emotions, Lois said, ‘I’d really like to go and see him in person.’
Melissa’s heart soared. ‘I was hoping you’d say that. Would you like me to talk to him first?’
‘I think I’ve stayed away long enough, it’s time. Although I do realise he may well tell me to bugger off.’
Melissa laughed. ‘I guess we won’t know until we try. Come on.’
And with a nervous Lois, it was time to find out whether her appearance could be the missing ingredient to bring back the man Barney had been before the fall, to make him see he wasn’t all that different, to get him to face his own pain so he too could move forwards.
Chapter Fourteen
Harvey parked his pickup in the courtyard at Barney’s. He was early for lunch but when he wandered inside and found no sign of Barney he went back through the gap in the trees and over to the barn. The door was ajar, he hadn’t noticed before, but he pulled the wooden panel open to find Barney inside, sitting on a hay bale, head leaning back against the wall behind.
‘What are you up to?’ Harvey asked.
