Some things he most definitely had to carry alone, at least for the time being, but he didn’t have to share those with Will. “In this envelope…” His voice stalled out, turning to grains of sand in the wind. He swallowed. “This tells me if I’m a match for my brother’s kidney.”
The V between Will’s eyes deepened.
“If I open this, and I’m a match… I gotta make a decision whether I help save a boy’s life.” The vise holding his heart tightened and the hand holding the envelope trembled.
Will closed his hand over Finn’s. “Even if you’re a match, you aren’t under any obligation to donate your kidney to a stranger, Finn. That’s what he is, a stranger. Just because the same blood runs through your veins doesn’t mean you owe him something.”
“I…” Finn sniffed. “I just figure maybe if I save him, I can somehow redeem my soul for letting Liam down.” There, he’d said it, out loud and for someone other than his own guilt riddled mind to hear.
“Finn…” The agony twisting Will’s tone was tangible. His voice was clouded by emotion. “That’s not…” He took a breath and squeezed Finn’s hand. “You didn’t fail Liam. You couldn’t save him, so you did the next best thing you could – you sat with him so he wasn’t alone. I know the guilt eats you up inside, but I’m telling you, you’re carrying a whole ton of shit you shouldn’t be. You’re not responsible for Liam’s death any more than you’d be responsible for your half-brother’s death if he didn’t get a kidney in time. The world’s problems aren’t all your fault, man. You can’t save everyone.”
Finn nodded, but so many years and layers of guilt had caked themselves up the insides of his chest that the walls were almost impenetrable.
“Want me to open it for you?”
Finn sat up straight. “Nah, thanks. I gotta do it. But if you’d sit with me, I’d appreciate it.” He hated feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control. Whatever was in the envelope in his hand could potentially change his entire future and he had absolutely no power over the facts. All he could do was control his reaction to it. Would his mother still want to pursue a relationship with him if he was of no use to her shiny new family? Did he want her to?
“What if she just contacted me to ask for my kidney?”
Will elbowed him. “I want to make some kind of joke here about how she at least asked and didn’t just knock you over the head with something and carve out your kidney, but I don’t know that we’re there yet.”
Despite the mounting tension in every muscle in his body, Finn chuckled. “I suppose that’s true.” He slipped his thumb under the seal of the envelope and tore the paper open. With warring wasps in his stomach, and a team of drummers beating in his head, he pulled out the expensive, headed paper, and swallowed.
Dear Mr. O’Brien,
We are sorry to inform you that you are not a match...
Not a match. Instead of feeling a soaring sense of relief, his stomach sank. He had nothing to offer his mother in exchange for her affections. Would she still want him in her life once she found out he had nothing to give her?
“What’s going on in there, Obi?” Will leaned over as though he was looking into Finn’s ear and knocked on the side of his head. “What’s the verdict?”
“Not a match.”
Will patted his shoulder. “That’s good news, right? Why do you look like someone taped their stick badly?”
Finn chuckled again. He taped his stick with meticulous precision. It was part of his routine, and the straight lines of tape comforted his soul. Only a monster would throw tape around the blade of his weapon willy nilly. Who didn’t want the nice, even lines?
“What if she doesn’t want to see me now that I’m not a match for her golden child?”
“Then she’s a sorry excuse for a mother and we’ll deal with that reality if we get there. I’m guessing from that reaction though, that youwanther back in your life, which makes it harder, sure. But if she doesn’t want to be in your life, she’s an idiot.”
Finn paused for a moment. The gaping wound in his chest where his happy family used to reside, pulsed. He nodded. “I think so. I miss her. I know our family will never be what it was. But she was sick, y’know? She didn’t choose to just up and leave me. She was mentally ill, she got treatment and got better, she got her life back together and when she was ready she came back to me. Assuming it’s not just for one of my organs, I think I’d like to get to know her again.”
Will nodded. “And if that’s not what she wants, it’s going to be hard for you. But we’ve got you if things don’t go well. You know that, right? We’ve always got your back. It’s what family does.”
Just like that, another thick, heavy layer rippled its way up the inside of his ribcage. How would Finn ever be able to tell the man who would walk to hell and back for him that he was breaking his most cardinal of rules?
***
Finn paced like a ferocious animal in a cage. His mother was running late, but she’d agreed to meet him. Mom had offered her kitchen as a place of familiar comfort, but Finn had declined. Then she’d offered to go along with him, to sit a few tables away in case he needed her help – as it turned out, Molly Morrison was more like her mother than he’d realized. He’d arrived at the Sugar Bean early, ordered a drink that was sitting cold on the table next to him, and started to pace back and forth.
He was probably muttering to himself, it would explain why the three sorority girls sitting in the corner had moved seats, and why no one else came near his table.
“Finnegan.” Meabh’s voice quivered, soft and pained. “Finnegan, stop.” She touched his arm and he snapped his gaze to meet hers. “Let’s sit.”
He chewed on the inside of his cheek and nodded.
“Do you need a fresh drink? That one looks like it’s been sitting a while.” She touched the mug, picked it up, and took it with her to the counter.
