“Why?”
All my reasons, the real ones, burn my tongue, but I can’t share them. My parents’ hopes and dreams, the fact I’m the only one in college, if I don’t play I’ll lose my scholarship, my place in school.
It’s all heavy as fuck. “I have reasons.” It’s weak, but it’s all I have in the space I’m in. Is that an excuse? Maybe. If I say it out loud that’ll make it all true.
Am I scared my team will turn on me? Or rally for me? The answer is yes no matter which way you cut it.
“You should share them with your team.” Jer stretches on the couch, arms above his head somehow managing not to disrupt either animal curled around him. “They’re your family, Raffi. When you win, they win.”
“Do they know about your kid?” AJ’s staring out the window, his voice quiet enough I’m not sure Jer heard him.
“No.”
“Why not?”
A shrug is all I got. “I’m afraid his mom won’t let me spend time with him? I dunno.” I rake my hands through my hair. “I’m scared I’ll suck as a dad? I’m scared they’ll judge me? I don’t know why I haven’t told them. Maybe they’ll think he’s a distraction, or will blame him for the slip in my game.”
“That’s a lot to unpack.” Jeremy offers me his plate that, unsurprisingly, has food on it, but I decline. “Any grown-ass hockey player who blames a toddler for even one loss on the ice is a fucking coward and needs to not take up any of your time.”
AJ nods at his friend’s verbal assault.
“Is it possible you’re starting to think about how your career might impact him? Watching his dad on the ice? The potential to get hurt?”
Maybe. If I wasn’t before, I am now.
“Is that why you stopped playing?”
Jeremy shakes his head. “Stopped playing because my knee was acting its age. Didn’t have any more gas left in the tank.”
“I stopped because I wasn’t good enough.” AJ’s frank statement hangs between the three of us, but I don’t believe it. “I’d never have made it in the NHL. Pressure is too high, and I was too broken to make it mentally. Then I got proper treatment, medicated, married and had my twins.” His tone changes, grows warmer, lined with an emotion I can’t place. Pride?
“It’s not easy, but it was worth the decision at my crossroads.”
“Mine too.” Jeremy crunches something with a grin. “What’s left for you if you take out the hockey?” He holds his free hand up. “Not saying you should or need to quit, but if you take out the thing you’re grinding for day in and day out, what else you got?”
These guys have a way of cutting through the background noise and getting straight to the hard stuff.
“What do you want to do with your life?” AJ asks.
“I want to be an American Sign Language interpreter. I want to help people who can’t hear communicate with the world.”
“Fuck.” Jer thumps his chest with a fist.
“Anoble goal.” AJ smacks Jeremy’s back like he’s helping a kid cough something up.
“Can you do that without hockey?”
My body goes cold. I’m good at ASL, sure, but I need the degree, the qualification. Otherwise I’m just another schmuck who learned a language off the internet. And while that’s possible, and more than acceptable, I need the piece of paper no one can take away from me.
“I’m on a hockey scholarship.” The words linger in the air on my whisper, sympathy heavy in both men’s eyes as they listen to the woes of a damn near stranger in my captain’s living room.
“Sounds like you’ve just got to hunker down and ride it out.” Jer looks like he’s sucking on a lemon as he says the words.
“I’ll figure it out.”
AJ pats my shoulder. “I bet you will, but please be careful.” His concern is probably edged with guilt for the hit he landed on me that tipped over one of the dominoes, but it also feels genuine.
“Hey, I was meaning to ask. Why are you all in town? Feels like a weird series of events must have happened to bring you all to little old Cedar Rapids.”
