And that’s what finally cracks me open. Not anger. Not shame. But fear.
Cold, gripping, chest-wringing fear. “If my asshole father finds out…” The words scrape out of my dry throat. “If he even suspects I have a soft spot, he’ll use it. He’ll drag Xavier into the middle of this and turn him into a pawn or—” I cut myself off. Imagining it hurts too much.
Scott studies me, eyes lowering. “So, you’re what? Pushing him away? Pretending you’re just not into him?”
My mouth goes dry. I’m guilty on both charges. Scott doesn’t know the half of it. The lying by omission. The half-truths. The way I keep Xavier tucked into the secret, hidden pocket of my life like a treasure I’m terrified to show anyone.
“You can’t keep him a secret forever.” Scott’s voice is filledwith what sounds like fear too. “And if you try, you’ll lose him.”
My throat tightens, traitorous. I force out the worst words I can find. “It’s not serious.”
Scott freezes.
I hear it as soon as it falls from my lips—The Lie. It’s cowardice, self-defense masquerading as logic. And I hate myself instantly.
Scott slowly leans back, his expression shuttering. “Well.” He pauses for a long beat as though he’s giving me time to take back the lie or follow it up with a half-truth. But the only thing filling the silence lingering between us is the ticking of the clock on the wall. “Good. Like I said, wrong guy, wrong time.”
He looks at my phone that’s turned face down on the table in case Xavier texts while he’s in the room with me. “He’d only drag you down, Arte. And right now, you don’t need any more drag.” He leaves the room but doesn’t slam the door, which somehow makes it worse.
The moment he’s gone, I hang my head in my hands, hating every cell in my body for the words I just spoke. I sit there in the echo of his footsteps, feeling smaller, weaker, and lonelier than I have in years.
Not serious? Xavier Martinez? The man who can quiet my pulse with one voice note? The man who wants to listen to me breathe at night? The first person I’veeverbeen truly serious about?
The guilt burns through me like acid. I grab my keys. I can’t breathe, especially not around people who believe me when I lie about the one person I don’t want to lie about.
CHAPTER 36
Artemis
Christmas Eve Eve at my parent’s house is exactly the hellscape I should have expected. The fire roars, but it only illuminates the cold pit forming in my stomach.
Despite the fact it’s early in the day, my father’s already halfway through his first glass of expensive whiskey, the flickering fire like a prop in a fucking villain’s monologue. The only thing missing is the super fluffy cat draped across his knee. To no one’s surprise, Mamá’s cat fucking hates him, won’t go near him.
“You look tired.” His words aren’t out of concern and have a hard edge to them. “Weak.”
I swallow down a sharp retort. How the fuck can someone look weak?
He pours more whiskey.
“Your grades are slipping.” He swirls his glass, nailing me with that parental stare that sees right through me. “Your performance on the ice is mediocre at best.” He gives me a thin, knowing smile that sends ice straight into my veins. Does he know? About Xavier? “Is there a reason?”
I fight the urge to shudder as my stomach drops. Hedefinitelyknows. Maybe not the details. But he knowssomething. He can smell vulnerability like a shark sniffing out blood in the ocean.
“Love.” He gives a casual shrug at my silence. “Love’s a stupid game that makes a man stupid, hijo.Soft.” He sneers the word like he’s allergic. “It gives the world leverage against you. You should be careful who you let in.”
Is he threatening Xavier? His tone isn’t cautious or concerned. Something in me snaps. He’s not talking about grades, or even thestupid gameI ‘love too much.’ He’s talking about Xavier, even in a hypothetical. If he doesn’t know who he is exactly, he’s taking a shot across the bow, voicing a suspicion, about the part of me that has dared to hope I can have something good. Something he can’t taint with his fucking last name.
I stand.
My father raises a brow. “Leaving already?” It’s still afternoon. If I leave now, well, if I don’t leave now something outside of my control might happen. And if I do, I might get to see him.
“Yes.” My hand shakes around the car keys bunched in my fist, but I don’t let him see it. “I have somewhere else to be.”
His smirk is a sharpened knife. “One day you’ll learn.” He pauses for dramatic effect. If this was a movie it’d be here he strokes his villain cat in slow motion. I hope he tries to pet Mamá’s cat and it claws his fucking eyes out. “You can’t have both power and softness. You’ll lose everything trying.”
I don’t answer. I don’t say goodbye to my siblings or Mamá and Abuelita in the kitchen. I walk out into the cold, dark, silent night that feels more like freedom with each step I take toward my car.
I drive without thinking, without music, without anything but the pulsing need in my chest to get away frommy father. I stop to pee, to hydrate, and I treat myself to the world’s greasiest burger in a drive thru pitstop.
