Therewasthe issue of now knowing I had a sister, but she was a grown woman. We’d survived this long without any contact; surely trying to forge a relationship now would just mess up both our lives.
I took some aspirin, drank some coffee, showered and went into work. I was sitting at my desk at 7.30, ready to catch up on world events. I threw myself into my research and analytics, reading and reading and letting my mind sift through patterns and predictions, to try and find the biggest return for my portfolio of clients. Today, I wasn’t going to be satisfied with a moderate venture, I wanted to find something unexpected, root out an opportunity that was being overlooked, and the only way I could do that was to immerse myself completely. I tuned everyone and everything out, other than my screens.
If my phone rang again, I didn’t notice, if Georgina came into the office, I didn’t notice, if my father contacted me about his wife’s treatment needs, I didn’t notice. I could deal with all that later.
I emerged from a successful day in the markets. I’d made a lot of money for two of the biggest clients I’d taken over for. My headache wasn’t gone, but that was to be expected after squinting at my screens and lines of numbers all day. I walked back to my apartment, with my phone heavy in my pocket.
When I got home I threw it in a drawer and left it there. I knew she wouldn’t have tried to call me, and I couldn’t risk calling her. I was going to let it go dead tonight.
Like my cold, cold heart.
My intercom buzzed, as I was making myself tea. I froze. That couldn’t be her. She would never come here, unless it was to punch me in the kidneys or throw me in the East River. If I saw her again, I was going to lose all the ground I’d made up today, getting myself back to normality – to sanity.
The intercom blared at me again.
But I couldn’t leave her standing out there on the street. Dread and an unwanted buzz of anticipation hovered over me as I answered.
‘Stephen.’ My brother’s voice came through the speaker and with it a war of disappointment and relief raged within me. ‘For a minute I thought you weren’t home. Can you buzz me in?’
‘Christ, Nick. Sorry. I totally forgot. Come up, come up.’
How had I forgotten that Nick was flying over? I’d probably missed his texts telling me he was on his way. I rubbed my forehead and paced, waiting for him to appear at my door. Everything was jangling inside me again.
He walked in, still in his navy pilot’s uniform, looking crumpled and exhausted, blond curls a mess as always and his blue eyes tired. He was so like Mum, with that easy way he had of looking at me and seeing too much. I’d thought at Noelle’s parents’ barbecue that I’d lost that feeling of home, but I’d forgotten about Nick. I still had him.
I hugged him hard, the weight of everything I’d been ignoring, rushing back now that he was there to help prop me up. He returned the hug with one arm, the other holding one strap of his backpack in place, until I couldn’t seem to let go and he dropped the backpack and gripped me back tighter.
‘Stephen. Are you all right?’ His voice was low with concern.
I forced myself to let him go and stepped back, not embarrassed exactly but feeling exposed. ‘Of course. I’ve had a busy week and I completely forgot you were coming. It’s a nice surprise.’ I would talk to him about everything – well, most things – but I needed to let him rest and get settled first.
‘It’s still okay for me to stay with you?’ He adjusted his glasses to look around my apartment. ‘I don’t want to cramp your style if you’ve got company.’
‘No company.’ I shook my head firmly. ‘I was just making tea. How was the flight?’
‘Smooth. Uneventful. Just the way I like it.’
‘You came from Heathrow?’
‘Yeah. I’ve got two days and then I’ll fly back again.’
‘Short and sweet.’ I forced a smile and poured us both large mugs of tea. ‘Sorry, I haven’t got sugar…and actually I haven’t got any food in for dinner.’
Nick took his tea and frowned at me. ‘Seriously, Stephen, are you okay?’
‘A lot’s been going on. I’ll sort something for dinner while you take a shower, if you like.’
‘I’m not bothered about dinner. We’ll go out – it’ll probably help me stay awake if I’m honest. My body clock thinks its midnight. I need to push through for a couple of hours. We can talk then?’
‘Sure. I know a nice Italian place.’
We walked through the streets, the tall buildings casting long, cool shadows, heading for Bennito’s in Little Italy. I didn’t know why I was taking him there. Maybe to prove to myself that I wasn’t bothered by any memories that were lingering about Noelle. The food was good; I wasn’t going to hide away for the rest of my time in New York.
On the way, I told him about finding Trevor. He’d asked me a couple of weeks ago to talk to him about all this when it happened, but I hadn’t. Part of me had held off because it had felt too complex, and I’d been busy, with work and with Noelle…
I’d also been concerned about sharing the things I’d found out about Mum and I hadn’t wanted to put him through that confusion I’d felt. The agony and frustration of not being able to ask her.
But I hadn’t thought about the fact that maybe Nick could help alleviate that frustration for me. It was time I stopped treating him as though he was a little kid. He had been through as much as me, and he was the only other person who had known Mum the way I did. I wanted to know what he made of the idea she would’ve vandalised Trevor’s motorcycle and why she might have hidden his cards from me.
