Silence fell between them. Could she really matter to him that much? It was embarrassing how much she wanted to believe him.
She couldn’t think with him in the same room as her either – it was too distracting. Her body – especially now she’d stupidly warmed it up with some alcohol – was extremely eager to just give in and fall against his. She cleared her throat. ‘So, you don’t care anymore?’
‘Idocare. But I know I can’t control how the media choose to portray me. So I might as well live my life in the way that makes me happy.Youmake me happy.’
He had made her so happy too. But, she was so confused. ‘I think that was ten minutes.’
‘Lila.’ He shut his eyes for a moment, like she’d just inflicted a blow against him.
She pressed her lips together hard and looked out the window, away from him and the guilt she was feeling at being so hard. The rain had stopped already – the storm had blown in and out, leaving the sky pink and pale purple. ‘I need time to process all this. And you promised you’d go,’ she added lamely. How was it possible that she both wanted him to go so she could collapse in a snivelling ball and equally wanted to throw herself into his arms?
‘Okay.’ He nodded and started to back away, his hands in his pockets.
Her phone beeped with a message and in her eagerness to focus on something other than him, she rushed over to the sofa to grab it.
‘Wait,’ Rowan called out suddenly and caught her around the waist.
She froze, the feel of his hands on her making her body vibrate with yearning, but he moved away quickly again, and she turned, confused, to watch him grab a tea towel from the kitchen and throw it down by the floor in front of the sofa. It soaked up some of the puddle of rain water she hadn’t noticed. It must have come in via the open window. She could have gone flying on the slick tiles.
Her heart beat with so much violence it was like it was desperate for her head to take notice of it.
Actions speak louder than words, Ruth had said. And every action Rowan took seemed to be direct from his heart – his willingness to be considerate and do the right thing.
Sometimes the problem with questioning everyone else’s motives because she felt unworthy herself, meant she wasn’t actually giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Whywouldn’ta man like Rowan be interested in her? He was kind and they shared a sense of humour, not to mention chemistry; they definitely had chemistry. And she couldn’t think of a single other time she’d seen him lie – not to her or anyone else, other than this stupid PR stunt.
Shewas the liar. Rowan’s words the other day about her feeling deep down that she wasn’t enough had really resonated with her. That was why she always lied about little things to people – she was constantly trying to act like she was something she wasn’t. Guessing what people wanted to hear or see from her. She was the one who put on an act all the time. He didn’t do that – that was why his agent was giving him such a hard time.
But she hadn’t felt the need to put on that act with Rowan. It was bizarre really. Of all the people she should feel comfortable and get to be herself with, for it to be a celebrity with a reputation for giving zero fucks, was hard to get her head around.
He really did care for her.Her. Just as she was – crazy anxiety and all. Because he was here, bothering to explain, apologising, stopping her from slipping and cracking her head open like the thoughtful, protective person he was.
He passed her, her cell phone, and she glanced at it on automatic pilot. There was a photo of Ruth in a crowd of people from the crew, shot glasses raised and the message:
Ruth: Catania is so cool. The bar crawl has begun. You have to come with us next time. Don’t wait up – I’ll crash at Sally’s, it’s closest.
Lila looked up and found him watching her quietly, her stomach swooping as she saw the searching look in his eyes again – the same look he’d had when he was trying to figure out what was upsetting her earlier in the day. She drew in a deep breath. ‘Promise me. Swear it on…just swear it. That you’re single.’
He lifted his chin, stepping towards her. ‘I’m not single though, Lila. Or at least, I don’t want to be. I’m dating you. Only you. She was never my girlfriend. I promise,’ he said, firmly and clearly.
She took another deep breath and he appeared to hold his while he waited for her response. She willed away all the influence of the bad things she felt about herself and tried to listen to the evidence and what she truly believed him capable of.
‘Okay.’ She nodded and dropped her phone back onto the sofa again. ‘Okay. I believe you.’
His arms were around her a fraction of a second later. He lifted her up from the floor, squeezing her so tight, like he thought she might change her mind and run off. ‘Thank you,’ he said into the crook of her neck. She wrapped her arms around him again and it was such sweet relief. ‘Thank you.’ He pressed his lips against her shoulder, her neck, her jaw and she shuddered and turned her head to meet his mouth.
‘Stay,’ she whispered between kisses. ‘Ruth won’t be back until tomorrow.’ He nodded, lifted her up higher and she wrapped her legs around his hips automatically. But he just looked up at her for a long soul-searing moment, his eyes dancing over her every feature, until she felt a blush crawling up her cheeks. ‘What is it?’
He paused and shook his head a little, but a shiver ran down her spine as though he’d said something and deep down inside she’d heard it. And felt it too.
Rowan
If Rowan had ever needed convincing there was something wrong with him, the fact that he couldn’t sleep after making love to Lila and having her fall asleep naked and nestled against him in bed, would have done the trick.
He’d consumed her as though he thought he was going to fall apart at the seams if he didn’t worship every inch of her. He’d had to show her how wonderful she was, and how much he cared for her, and wanted to protect her, and keep her close, and never let her go. And he’d felt her putting her quiet strength all around him too. Tenderness and passion that made him feel like he was wearing his skin inside out.
Everything was spinning in a whirlwind inside him, and he needed to try and distract himself. He leaned sideways out of the bed, stretching his arm out for his trousers, and fishing his phone out of the pocket. There was a message from his mum, wanting to know if he was okay. He needed to call her tomorrow. They hadn’t spoken in a couple of weeks but things had been…crazy.
He flicked through some new photos Jordan had sent him, keeping the screen turned away from Lila’s face so the light didn’t disturb her. In one of them, Siobhan was holding Joshua tight, and Terry had his arm protectively around them. Jordan’s message read:
