Rowan: That’s true. Thanks, Pearl.
Pearl: You’re welcome. I have to go now. Car’s here. But if you need to chat again, let me know.
He put his phone down. Maybe this situation wasn’t all so bleak. Maybe he could have a serious chat with Gerrard. Come at it from a stronger mindset, now he knew what he wanted. Instead of just reacting like a reticent child. And if it didn’t work out – it wasn’t the end of the world.
So why did he feel like he was teetering on the edge of an abyss?
He folded his arms on the table in front of him and dropped his forehead down to rest on them. Because he didn’t know what was going to happen between him and Lila.
Where was she?
Lila
When Lila got back to Stephen’s apartment in Belgravia, he and Noelle immediately showed her the spare room, with its en suite, and left her to get comfortable. The ride back in the car had taken a while but it hadn’t been painful.
Stephen had described Noelle very well – shewascurious, but not intrusive. Since they were both from New York, they’d talked a bit about that, growing up there, comparing it to London – with Stephen and Noelle both teasing each other about cultural differences and bantering in a way that spoke of how comfortable and playful they were with each other.
It made Lila think about her and Rowan, and how she’d been comfortable doing that with him too – maybe not to Stephen and Noelle’s level though. Cracking jokes was something she usually found difficult because it took confidence and trust, she realised. Doing it with people you didn’t know very well was a leap of faith. If they got it, if they found you funny, then it paid off because you instantly knew you had some commonality, a wavelength that you shared. And when your friendship or relationship included good-natured ribbing, it was like a secret language that said you trusted the other not to take it seriously. That you loved them unconditionally, even if you were going to make fun of their little quirks and mishaps.
After a shower and a change of clothes, Lila joined them again. And then they talked. All day. Lila didn’t think she’d ever spoken so much in a room with people who were virtually strangers. They still didn’t pry, and they started back on childhoods again, but this time she and Stephen compared stories about their dad – what they could remember. Stephen wanted to know how things had been for her growing up, and she tried her best to be honest. Noelle excused herself for a nap – which Lila thought might have been a matter of tact – and then the conversation moved on to the baby. Stephen opened up to her about the fact he’d never thought he’d have a family. Had always been worried he wouldn’t be able to stick it, like their dad. That the pregnancy hadn’t been planned but they were both really happy about it.
And he told her about what happened when he met with their father last summer, and how Trevor had been just as uninterested in them getting to know each other again.
When she went to bed, she was exhausted, but strangely she felt better too. Like it had proved she wasn’t entirely defined by what had happened in Sicily. By her job or her relationship with Rowan. She was many things, and also none of them.
Her head hit the pillow and sleep pulled her down quickly. The last thing she remembered thinking was that she hoped Rowan was able to sleep too.
Despite how tired she was, something woke her when it was still dark. When she rolled onto her side and lifted her cell phone off the side table to check the time, she found out what it was. A text. From Rowan.
Rowan: I miss you.
Her breath caught in her chest, pushing at her ribs, pushing at her heart. God, she missed him too. So much. Before she could think about it, she picked up the phone and called him back.
‘Lila. Are you okay?’ When he answered, his voice was rough but full of a relief that made her heart crack under the pressure.
‘I am.’ She kept her voice low, scooching up the bed to sit against the headboard, her knees tucked into her chest, arm wrapped around them. ‘Or…I’m getting there, maybe.’ She needed to be honest with him; he deserved that.
‘Where are you? Ruth said you’d gone because of a family emergency. Was that true? Are you back in New York?’
‘No. It wasn’t an emergency. I lied. Again.’ She shook her head and twisted the bedsheets around and around her finger until it began to cut off her circulation. ‘I’m quite the hypocrite really – giving you a hard time for not telling me about things, when I lie,constantly.’
‘Have you ever lied to me?’
‘No.’ She bit her lip. ‘Not that I can remember. I guess I’ve never really felt like I had to hide anything about myself from you.’
‘You don’t. You can tell me anything.’
‘I know,’ she whispered.
‘So, where are you?’
‘I took the first flight out. It happened to be going to London. I’m at my brother’s.’
‘You met him?’ Rowan’s voice rose – she could hear him moving around, like he’d sat up straighter. She could picture him – probably at his kitchen table, fully dressed because he’d been awake for ages and the car was going to pick him up soon. It physically hurt, thinking of his face, his hands, the warmth of his chest, all so far away.
And it was all her own doing.
‘You’re staying with him? Is he how he came across in his messages? Because you don’t need to stay with him. If anything feels slightly off or if you feel like you have to because you don’t have enough cash for a hotel or whatever – you can stay at my place. I’ll get a key to you and send you the address.’
