She’d rarely heard him so flustered. Rowan didn’t really do flustered. He got frustrated. He got angry. He got worried…but not panicky – and this was her doing too. She should have calmed down and spoken to him before she left. But it was easy to think that now. Back in Sicily she’d been deep into a panic attack.
‘It’s okay. He’s a really good guy. We’re getting along fine. I promise you. I’m safe and well.’
His sigh of relief was audible down the phone. ‘That’s brilliant to hear. But, even so. Even if you just need some space. I won’t read anything into it. If you’re not…’ He cleared his throat. ‘If we’re not… It doesn’t matter. You’re still welcome to go there if you need it. Or I’ll send you some money. I just want to know you’re okay.’
Lila’s eyes started to prickle. This man was too much. She looked up at the shadowy ceiling, as though she could tip the tears back away again. ‘You’d do that?’
‘Of course. It’s not that much of an ask, and…’ He gave a quiet, rueful laugh. ‘Lila, I’d do anything for you.’
The tears spilled out then. She couldn’t speak.
Would he? Probably. But what would she need from him to make this problem go away? Him giving up acting wasn’t an option. She could never ask him to do that. He was an amazing actor, only just realising his own potential and he’d end up resenting her. Besides, it wasn’t like it would even fix the problem. He’d still be famous. There was nothing he could do about that.
‘Oh, Rowan,’ she choked out.I love you,she wanted to say. But how would that help anything? It hurt so much already. The only way it might help is if he didn’t say it back to her, then she’d know she wasn’t losing as much as she imagined.
‘I can’t stand hearing you cry when I can’t be there to hold you,’ he said, voice thick and broken.
She couldn’t stand it either. She hugged her knees in even tighter to her chest and swallowed over the tears. ‘It’s okay. I’ve stopped.’
They were silent for a moment.
‘How long are you going to stay there?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Are you going to come back?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘…Is it over between us?’
She couldn’t bring herself to say it for that too. ‘Sicily was so magical – we were in this beautiful bubble, just the two of us. I completely forgot.’
‘Forgot what?’
‘Forgot who I am. And what your life is like. How can this ever really work between us? Your fame – the attention it brings – it would be hard for a normal person to adjust to. How does a dysfunctional misfit like me stand a chance?’
‘Lila,pleasedon’t talk about yourself that way.’
‘It’s true though. You know it is. I can barely cope with normal life.’
‘Youdocope though. Every day you fight those battles and sometimes you get tired and need a break but that’s totally understandable. You’ve been getting a better handle on things too. I’veseenyou growing. Look at where you are. A few months ago, you didn’t even feel ready to write your brother an email.’
‘You were the one who helped me to get over that hurdle though. I can’t expect you to help me through everything.’
‘Can’t you? Isn’t that the point of being in a relationship?’
‘No. Because I’m totally irrational when the anxiety grips me. I wanted to be with you so much…but the first sign of trouble, I ran for the hills, like I always do. I don’t want to keep doing that to you. You deserve better—’
‘No. Don’t make this about me deserving better than you. You’re…so much more than I deserve. Break up with me because ofthat. Because that’s true. I didn’t consider how things would affect you. I was thoughtless and I live with my head in the sand half the time.I’mthe dysfunctional one out of the two of us. I never even realised how fucked up I am until you came along with this way of seeing deeper into me than anyone else. And caring. I thought I was an open book, but I’ve not even begun to realise how much is wrong with me—’
‘I’ve made you think that there’s something wrong with you?’
‘Don’t twist it, Lila. What I’m saying is, I know myself better because of you…and that’s only part of why I love you.’
She gasped like he’d grabbed hold of her heart with his bare hand. He loved her. He did.
She was right; saying it didn’t help anything.
