‘Is that an issue?’
‘You’re worth more than that.’
‘I think we value different things. It’s not all about the money. I want to work on films that challenge me, not repeat the same thing I’ve done for the last ten years. And if that doesn’t work for you anymore, then I’ll find another agent who it does suit.’
‘Is this an ultimatum, Rowan?’
Rowan tipped his head back and looked up at that clear expanse of sky above him.You should trust yourself,Lila had said to him.Your happiness matters too.‘Yes. Technically, I suppose it is. This partnership isn’t working anymore, Gerrard. Not as it stands.’
‘It’s worked for the last ten years.’
‘Yes, and I’m grateful for what you did for me, but I spent half of those years working on the Helios franchise and now I want something different.’
‘Do I get some time to think about it?’
‘If you need it.’
They ended the call and Rowan let out a huge groan. He had thought he’d feel better at the end of that conversation, but he hadn’t counted on the news that Gerrard had spoken to the production about Sibyl. If she’d had her wrist slapped because of him, she was never going to want Lila back…and if they’d sacked her…Lila was probably never going to want to come back because of all the gossip.
He’d made a step towards a better future for himself, but it was so hard to picture it without Lila in it.
Lila
Lila and Noelle spent all afternoon out on the balcony with their stacks of reading material, settled into a companiable silence. Normally being quiet with someone for so long made Lila feel awkward but Noelle had expressed very clearly that she loved having people she could sit next to while she was reading, who actuallyreadand didn’t interrupt her all the time.
The first book Lila decided to try was already ringing all kinds of bells in her head. The first part was about understanding what social anxiety was, how it worked its evil ways upon you, and how your brain ended up riddled with it – there were zero mentions of Gremlins though. Her eyes welled up at the thought. She imagined texting Rowan to tell him, joking about it. How much harm would that do? God, she wanted to speak to him so much it felt like it was tearing her open inside.
She excused herself and disappeared into the bathroom to pull herself back together again. At least that was one good thing about being an anxious mess – she was used to putting on a front when inside she was coming apart.
When she went back out to the table on the balcony, Noelle had made them both hot chocolates despite the weather and it was completely perfect.
She flicked forward to the second part of the book as she drank the sweet drink, the endorphin kick from the cocoa just what she needed. It was about finding ways toovercomesocial anxiety. It was tempting to head straight for those chapters, especially when she thumbed through it and saw table examples to fill in with stuff about challenging your thinking and doing “experiments”. It reminded her of how Rowan had got her to overcome her worries about contacting Stephen by improvising – but she couldn’t rush this. If she started from the beginning maybe there would be some light-bulb moment that would make it easier to figure things out.
She was deep into a chapter about making assumptions and automatic negative thoughts – complete with a list that had her eyes widening in recognition – when Stephen called to see if they wanted to meet him for dinner.
Lila decided to stay back at the apartment, and Noelle didn’t nag her to join them, which she really appreciated. Maybe it was contradictory to what she was trying to do, but she wanted to give them some space and to give herself some. She could carry on reading – and maybe go crawl into bed and cry without the worry of anyone hearing her.
She’d eaten some leftovers and relocated to the sofa in the lounge when her cell phone beeped with a text message. She grabbed it so quickly she nearly sprained her wrist, but it was in no way what she expected, and her heart struggled between the crush of disappointment that it wasn’t Rowan, and an injection of adrenalin when she saw Ruth’s name.
Ruth: Hey, can you give me a call?
Ruthwanted to speak to her? About what? To give her another dressing-down? To find out if she was going back to Sicily? The prospect of either scenario was not exactly getting her dialling.
But…she did feel guilty about lying to Ruth for so long. She’d thought they were friends and Ruth was reaching out to her when she’d assumed she’d never hear from her again. If Lila could meet her brother and go stay with him, she could ring a woman she’d shared an apartment with for over a month, couldn’t she? If Ruth started shouting at her, she could just hang up. And she’d hardly end up feeling worse about leaving the set if thatwaswhat happened.
She was making assumptions about what Ruth was thinking and how she would behave. She’d only been reading about it that afternoon. Before she could begin thinking again, she dialled Ruth back.
‘Hi, Ruth.’ The sound of her own shrill voice made her wince.
‘Lila! I’m so glad you called me.’
‘Well, it was the least I could do…’ She gave a little laugh, leaving theafter I lied to your face to weeksbit go unsaid.
‘Listen, I wanted to say, I’m sorry for going off at you so bad the other day.’
‘Oh.’ Lila put her fingers to her mouth. ‘Oh.’
‘Yeah. Look. I was hurt, obviously, that you lied to me – but once I calmed down, I could see why you did it.’
