As the two of them chatted, Lisa’s mind wandered, taking in the deeper sound of Nathan’s voice. She noticed his deep-blue eyes that still had the same glint as when they were younger, but now there were creases around his eyes and a furrow on his brow she had never seen before.
She wondered if she would be attracted to him if it weren’t for theirpast and the palpable chemistry – fuelled by the knowledge of the moments, feelings and emotions they had shared – she could feel reigniting between them. She didn’t know if the fact his presence was making heat spread inside her was genuine or based on memories. Either way it didn’t matter. She was home to attempt to continue healing over her loss and to get over all that had happened with Ben,adding getting involved with Nathan Baker into that mix wouldn’t solve anything; not when he wanted to be friends and she wanted… well, she couldn’t allow herself to think about that. It would just complicate things further.
Listening to herself as she answered Nathan’s questions, Lisa couldn’t help but notice how good she had become at offering politician’s answers about her life, skirtinground anything she didn’t want to discuss, deflecting questions and offering answers she thought the person she spoke to might want to hear; no wonder she felt so few people really knew her. She was an expert at not letting them in. She only truly felt herself and spoke her mind with Winnie, and even then she had held back, and omitted details about herself and her reasons for coming home.Talking to Felicity had been good, and easier than she had expected. She tried not to over analyse it, scared that picking it apart might make how right it had felt fall apart.
Nathan poured wine to fill the silence that fell between them. Having started with a flurry of idle chat, they were now each running out of ‘safe’ subjects to bring up. Lisa knew it was because neither of them wantedto accidentally allude to the stomping, great elephant in the room. Not broaching the subject of their past was adding an expectant weight to the atmosphere, smothering their conversation. It was making Lisa feel increasingly awkward. She wondered if she should be the one to bring it up. But what if Nathan didn’t want to talk about it? He was the one who had said they were ‘friends’. Perhapshe preferred to think of their former relationship that way. She didn’t want to bring up hurtful memories. Not knowing what to say had been the main reason she had cancelled on him in the first place.
She looked at him across the table as he drank his wine, his Adam’s apple sliding as he swallowed.
Realising she was watching him, Nathan paused and smiled. ‘Who’d have thought youand I would be back here in your mum’s kitchen.’
Oh no!The visions of the two of them together that she had attempted to push away earlier came flooding back into her mind. Lisa realised she had to say something, she just wasn’t sure what. ‘Look, Nathan—’
‘Nate. Most people call me Nate now.’
‘The thing is Nate…’ Well, that felt completely weird. She didn’t like it. Hewould always be Nathan to her. His name was etched in her memory as Nathan Baker, the way Flick would always be Felicity Forster, register names, the way you remembered everyone from school.
Nathan filled the silence. ‘The thing is you’re back!’ He smiled warmly. ‘And you can call me Nathan, if you like. I’d forgotten how nice it was to hear you say it.’
Lisa attempted to ignorethe little flip she could feel her tummy doing. She needed to gain control of this conversation and her reactions. ‘The thing is, Nate,’ she was trying not to make him, or herself, reminisce. But calling him Nate just didn’t feel right. She couldn’t do it. ‘The thing is, Nathan, it’s been a really long time. Honestly, I looked you up to see how you were. I never meant for… this.’ She gestured tosignify the Chinese takeaway, the two of them sitting in her mum’s kitchen and the completely bizarre situation they found themselves in.
‘I know, Lisa. The past is a long time ago. We’re both different people now. I just thought it would be good to see you. You know we were friends once.’
Friends!Again he was calling them friends. They were definitely oh so much more than friends.Lisa attempted to quash the feeling of disappointment she could feel each time he said the word. ‘I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.’I’m not sure I can be just your friend.
‘Honestly, Lisa, you don’t need to worry. Even though you kissed me, I’m not going to propose to you or anything!’ He laughed.
Lisa wondered if her gasp was audible or in her head, as her cheeks blazedto beacon heat. ‘Of course not.’ He had raised it. The stomping, great elephant in the room was being invited to take a seat at the table! And Nathan was laughing about it. She wasn’t so full of herself that she expected him to still be hurting from her public rejection of his unexpected proposal at their prom, but joking about it seemed a big leap when crying and saying their goodbyes was the lastthey had said of it.
‘Oh, Nathan, I didn’t think—’
‘Honestly, it’s fine. Hurt like hell for a while, but I know you had your reasons.’
Reasons.She knew she did have her reasons, that she had felt them with conviction at the time, she just wasn’t sure what they were right now. Lisa swallowed in an attempt to encourage her mouth to work properly and to give herself a momentto know what to say. ‘Nathan, I am sorry I hurt you.’ She really was sorry for that. Trying to think clearly and to stop her heart racing she attempted to continue, ‘I just wasn’t—’
Nathan smiled. ‘Lisa, honestly, I am over it. It’s such a long time ago. Imagine, we’d be an old, married couple now, probably a couple of children in tow.’
‘Yes, imagine.’ Lisa’s laugh was too lightas she pictured herself with Nathan, a little boy and little girl mirroring each of them. The image seemed perfect in her mind. She swallowed and closed her eyes, as the thought of how much she wanted it was met with the realisation that, a life and a family with Nathan was no longer hers to have.
‘Anyway, I just thought it would be good to catch up,’ he finished, touching her hand fora too-brief moment making her want to reach out and hold on to him.
