‘Oh, Lisa, you are too funny!’ Felicity managed.
With that Lisa began to cry. Not just a few tears, but big hearty sobs.
Felicity looked on stunned, she put her arm back round her in an attempt to get her to stop, but Lisa cried on – releasing all the tension of the afternoon, and the hurt and frustration that had built up over months. ‘Lisa, it’s OK. I’m sure theysee that kind of thing all the time.’
‘But you don’t understand,’ she managed between sobs.
‘What? Tell me.’
‘It’s me. I’m so bad at this, so very bad.’
‘Lisa, I’m sure that’s not true.’
‘But it is… I… I’m a bad pet sitter. Dogs run away from me. I was terrified when you asked me to have Fred. I swore in front of a toddler, I let Fred on the big slide,I thought I’d broken him, I didn’t even realise the lump on his back was his shoulder blade and… and… I couldn’t even take care of my own baby.’
The final part of the sentence coming as a complete shock, Felicity was taken aback; she didn’t know what Lisa meant. She had no idea she’d even had a baby. ‘What baby? Lisa, what baby?’
‘My baby,’ Lisa cried, the words coming out inlong sobs that she had held on to for too long.
‘What do you mean? Do you have a baby?’ Felicity rubbed Lisa’s back, trying to understand what she meant and realising how little they knew of each other’s lives over recent years. ‘Tell me, Lisa, what do you mean?’
Lisa could barely compose her voice, her head hurt and her nose ran as she began to speak, unsure where she was findingthe words. ‘My baby, the baby I lost; I was eight weeks pregnant.’
Felicity bit her lip, wanting to question everything, but knowing that she had to let Lisa speak.
‘Barely pregnant at all really, I suppose, but I could feel it – my baby. It was there… its heart beat inside me.’
Felicity watched as big tears slipped down Lisa’s cheeks as she attempted to compose herselfto speak.
‘I couldn’t talk to Ben about it. But it was part of me.’ Lisa paused and wiped her hands across her sodden face, and ventured a small smile. ‘When I showered or lay in the bath, when I was alone, I’d talk to my little Pip. That’s what I called it; silly, isn’t it?’
‘It’s not silly,’ Felicity whispered, tears rolling down her face as she listened to Lisa speak. She thoughtabout her own babies; they had all had bump names – names she and Pete had chosen together. After he had been born with a mop of red hair Callum had even remained her pumpkin.
‘I’d felt some pains, strong, stabbing pains.’ Lisa held her stomach, remembering how they felt. ‘But I ignored them; I didn’t want to think about what they might mean. I didn’t tell anyone.’ It was the first timeLisa had confessed it out loud, with the words spoken she couldn’t hold back her tears.
Felicity reached over to a box of tissues on the coffee table and passed one to Lisa. Without acknowledging the gesture Lisa took the tissue and wiped her face before taking in a shaky breath and continuing.
‘Then one morning I couldn’t pretend any more. I went to the loo and the tissue wasbright red, screaming at me. I called Ben, left a message and went to the hospital. I had to wait for a scan.’
Felicity passed another tissue.
‘They sat me with the heavily pregnant women – their babies strong and thriving inside them while I could feel the blood seeping out of me. When they called me in, I already knew.’
‘Was… Ben with you then?’
Lisa took a breath,attempting to prepare herself to share the next memory.
Flick held her hand.
Megan burst through the door, complaining that Alice was wearing her ballet costume. She looked between Flick and Lisa, not sure whether to continue as she took in the scene.
Lisa hid her face, while Flick urged Megan to go and see her daddy in the kitchen.
Megan paused for a moment.
‘Go on, Daddy will get Alice to take it off,’ Felicity urged.
Megan stared. ‘Why are you sad?’
