I could see now that all my life I’d relied on my parents, my teachers and my husband to steer me in what they thought was the right direction for me. School and university which had filled my blinkered life for so long, the friendships of my younger years – those things had all come to a natural end and of course my life and the people in it had changed. The security blanket of my youth had been folded away.
Then I had looked for a life partner, not a starter marriage that Marjorie had described, and I had married Fred thinking that he was a man I could trust, that we would be together for the rest of our adult lives, that I could rely on his support. And yet it hadn’t worked out that way at all, and when things failed, I had no safety net. Mentally I’d had to start again. And it hadn’t been easy.
Perhaps now at sixty-four, when everything was so different and unpredictable, I needed, for the first time, to think things through properly. To focus on myself and not rely on or expect the support or opinions of other people. Was it too late to stand on my own two feet for the first time? To actually decide what I wanted to do?
It couldn’t be too late, because now I had no option. Who was in charge of the electricity bill, the council tax, getting my car serviced? Gradually, grudgingly I had assumed responsibility for these things, but I began to realise that it wasn’t just those things that mattered.
Now the final step was to assume responsibility for myself. It didn’t mean I couldn’t accept help when I needed it, but I should make a life for myself where I was in charge.
And yet a lot of my friends who were in the same position as I was, either widowed or divorced or just ‘not wanted on voyage’, seemed to talk about the same thing – remarriage. Finding a new partner, occasionally dating apps and promising encounters. The perils of online lotharios. And yet the overwhelming wish to have someone to share their lives. Did I want that too? Was the perfect man out there somewhere, the one I should have been with all along, waiting to be found?
And yet how do you find the person you should have been with all along but you couldn’t have because you weren’t the person that you are now? Did I even know myself? Wasn’t it about time I did?
‘I still like life to surprise me, I never do too much research,’ Evelyn said, bringing my focus back to the topic of the days ahead, ‘because there is always something which scuppers everything. The weather isn’t what one was expecting, or the dress shop I was hoping to visit has closed. I like to have a rough idea of what’s happening but then to go where the wind takes me, to say yes to things when I feel like it and of course say no as well.’
‘How do you know you are saying yes to the right things?’ I asked.
Evelyn paused from spreading a thick layer of strawberry jam onto her toast.
‘I don’t know. I just do what feels right at the time and accept the consequences. This is an awfully serious conversation to be having over breakfast, isn’t it? Be polite to everyone, don’t break any laws and do the best you can, Lizzie, that’s my advice.’
‘I look at little girls like Mila and feel every one of my years,’ I said, ‘and when I was that age I had no more idea of what I was going to do with my life than a panda.’
‘I don’t suppose she does either.’ Evelyn chuckled.
‘But being young and pretty gives her such an advantage. How could anyone be unhappy when they look like that first thing in the morning? I’m beginning to understand why people have cosmetic surgery.’
Evelyn laughed.
‘Mila might be secretly longing to be a quantity surveyor or a train driver. Beware. Chasing youth takes a lot of time, and money. I know I’m in the last bit of my life. I might have five good summers left if I behave myself. Do I want to spend them in a surgeon’s office trying to make “this” look younger? What a waste of the time I have left. I’d rather spend the money on a lovely holiday or a fabulous outfit that makes me feel good, rather than worrying how complete strangers feel when they clap eyes on me.’
Jack returned at that point, with some ham and cheese and a crusty bread roll, so the conversation changed.
‘Yes,’ I said thoughtfully, ‘I think you’re probably right.’
18
Other guests were appearing in a steady stream as we reached the harbour, attracted by the excited chatter of other people and the scent of the fresh coffee.
Marjorie, dressed in a flowery sundress, arrived, barging through the doorway with her patchwork bag, eager to trade stories of how well or how badly we had all slept.
‘Opatija. What a nice looking town. Doesn’t this look splendid? There’s an accompanied walk at eleven thirty,’ Marjorie said, ‘or a twelve-kilometre walk along the Lungomare if anyone is feeling energetic.’
‘What’s that in old money?’ Evelyn asked.
‘About seven miles,’ Jack said as he placed Evelyn’s third coffee refill beside her.
‘And then seven miles back again. Not my idea of fun,’ Harriet said, sitting down next to me with a plate of fresh fruit and three mini pastries. ‘A gentle stroll I think, in the sunshine followed by some coffee and an ice cream.’
‘Count me in,’ Evelyn said, ‘we’ll definitely do that too.’
‘I’d like to find some souvenirs,’ Anna said. ‘I promised Rupert a present.’
‘There’s a famous statue near here, Maiden with a Seagull,’ Jack said. ‘I want to see that.’
‘That’s one thing I do remember from the little research I did,’ I said.
The dining room was becoming noisier then as more people arrived for breakfast. After a while, Jack finished his coffee and stood up to leave.
