Or maybe ever.
But there was a part of me feeling like he was getting too close to everything I try to keep tucked away, and the way he looked at me terrified me, like he wanted to know every part of me, even the parts I don’t want anyone to see.
He may think I’m beautiful, but he doesn’t know the ugliness of my past.
From a young age, I became accustomed to bending, contorting, even completely changing myself to fit whatever the person I was with needed—and by doing that, I made myself small, quiet, and scared to move… scared to even breathe sometimes.
It started with my father, always needing to predict his patterns, comply with whatever he asked for, and build my own resilience, especially when I knew no one was going to help me.
I did what I needed to do to keep me safe.
But there’s something about Jack that already is safe—there’s no thought of how I would have to protect myself if I made him upset, no worry that he’ll lose his temper, no anticipation of screaming, yelling, or throwing things at a moment’s notice.
Hemakes me feel safe.
“Well it was just them, but then I invited the mom’s from Evee’s swim class and the girls from my book club,” Ava says matter-of-factly. She turns to me, shaking her head at my surprise. “Evee deserves to be celebrated, Rue.”
“Yeah, I know that, but—” I look around the space. Decorations are spread throughout the shop, the “Wild One” theme evident with the safari balloon animals, animal print cups and napkins, and fake vines and plants Ava and Emerson placed throughout. There’s definitely enough room, food, and drinks to accommodate a party of that size—how much Ava bought all makes more sense now that I know it isn’t a party of twelve adults and four kids, plus Evee.
“No ‘buts’,” Ava reprimands, and I’m getting sick of hearing her say it. “It’s a party. It’s supposed to be fun.”
“Agreed,” Emerson chimes in as she hops off the chair she was standing on.
Having worked with Emerson the last week, I’ve gotten to know her well. She’s a lot like her brother—she can come off a little unapproachable at first, but, just like with Jack, I know there’s no guessing with her. She’s straight up and to the point, and I really like that about her.
“Then, it’s settled,” Ava says, nodding her head. “Two against one. Now, start having fun.”
I groan, going back to setting up the table with all the snacks we bought and prepped.
Initially, I thought Evee’s birthday party was going to be just me, Evee, and Ava, but it’s turned into a much bigger ordeal. Ever since Ava took over, the party kept getting bigger and bigger every day that went by.
While I don’t know the mom’s at swim class too well, and I’ve only met Ava’s book club friends a few times, the idea of making connections—making friends—isn’t as scary as it was a few weeks ago.
Evee is with one of the babysitters that Mia recommended, and I have been testing her compatibility with Evee on a trial basis—my postpartum anxiety and my past making it hard to trust someone other than Ava around her.
She’s taken Evee to the park twice this week for an hour, and today marks the first time she’s come to our house to watch Evee for an extended period of time.
“What time is Sadie bringing Evee?” Ava asks as she continues to tie balloons together, almost finished with the balloon arch.
I pull my phone out of my back pocket, finding a message from Sadie that they’re on their way over. “They’ll be here soon,” I answer. I scroll up in our earlier messages, re-reading the updates Sadie has sent me since I left earlier this morning.
“She’s good,” I hear Ava say. “Sadie seems to know what she’s doing. You don’t need to worry.”
I let out a dry chuckle. “That’s like telling water not to be wet.” I pocket my phone, bending down to start filling the coolers we have for the drinks we picked up.
“Sassy,” Ava whispers under her breath, but I can hear the smile on her face when she says it.
Once Sadie dropped off Evee and Annie and Luke brought the cake and cupcakes, people started to arrive with smiles on their faces and gifts in hand as they greeted Evee and I.
The sound of the Disney playlist Ava queued up mixes with the mingling and chatting of those here, and I look around, taking it all in.
I find some of the moms from Evee’s swim class talking with a few of the women with kids from Ava’s book club by the food table; I see Drew, Mia, Elsie, and Sierra sitting at one of the tables while Luke, Eddie, and Emmett are chasing after Eddie’s twin girls and Emmett’s daughter.
By the cupcakes, Annie holds Drew’s son and chats with Emerson and Ava, who grabbed Evee from me once most of the guests arrived.
Before I realize, a wave of emotion ripples through me, and there’s a tight swell rising in my throat as my eyes burn with a prickle of heat. I blink a few times, trying to stop any tears from falling, not wanting anyone to think I’m upset.
In reality, the thought of all these people here to celebrate Evee fills me with so much happiness, it seems to be overflowing. It’s like all these missing pieces to a puzzle that I’ve been trying to find for so long have come together. Some were for the background landscape while some made the picture whole, but all together, they create the perfect image.
