Between my focus on Evee and my past relationship and him dealing with his own grief, we both have our own reasons to not be thinking about dating or relationships right now.
But when he told me about Bennett, when he held my hand, when he shared his feelings with me, all thoughts of how I wasn’t ready to open myself up to someone else dissipated.
I know Jack still has his own work to do, the same way that I have a lot of my own trauma I’m learning to live with sincemoving to Milwaukee, but those aspects of us don’t feel like reasons to fight this connection between us anymore.
I plan to be more than just your friend, Rumi.
I’m learning to trust myself through trustinghim, and it’s been healing for me, but I can’t help but worry that this change in our relationship will stall my progress.
It was easy to trust Jack when he was my friend, but will it be the same now while we’redating?
Is that even what this is?
It’s been so long since the word has even been in my vocabulary, and the last time I dated someone, it was my abuser.
“What do you think, lovebug?” I ask Evee, holding up the only two dresses I own, hoping one of them looks okay. I’ve changed my outfit at least seven times—all while Evee has watched me from my bed, barricaded by pillows, playing with the stuffed Dalmatians and fire truck Jack got her.
Evee stares at me for a second before looking back at her toys, leaving me to make the choice on my own.
“I can’t wait for the day when you’re old enough to give me fashion advice,” I mutter to myself, holding each dress up against me as I look into the full-length mirror behind my bedroom door.
I’ve tried almost every combination possible with my current wardrobe, hating every single one.
Maybe if this date goes well tonight, I’ll find some time to go shopping.
Looking at the first dress, I hold it up against me. It’s a soft, flowy maxi with a light gingham print. At my height, it will fall to my ankles, with a small slit that stops at my knee. It’s not flashy—just casual and comfortable, the kind of dress you could wear all day without thinking about it. It’s one I’ve worn dozens of times.
Holding the second one up in front of me, I try to picture how it will look on. It’s short, a more playful cut with a floral pattern of greens, purples, and pinks. The pale color would contrast nicely against my dark hair, and I think Evee has a dress that would match the purple. It’s new, still has the tags, a dress I bought when I first moved to Milwaukee, one I wanted to save for a special occasion, but it ended up getting forgotten in the back of my closet.
Without warning, a memory assaults me, catapulting me into the past.
My new dress.
The one I got for his sister’s wedding. It was a June wedding, and the dress was perfect.
I didn’t realize it was too short, or that it showed too much of my legs.
“You think I want my whole family thinking I’m dating a whore?”
A backhand to the face, a shove against the wall, a push to the ground.
The puffed short sleeves and floral pattern covered with blood from my lip and the cut on my forehead.
I didn’t make it to the wedding.
Evee babbling to herself brings me back to reality, my heart racing from the memory. Now, when I look at the dress, I see how the neckline dips too low, and it will put my chest and full cleavage on display, my cup size much bigger than it ever was even a year postpartum. The dress falls just above my knees, and I make up my mind.
It’s too short.
I’ll go with the other one.
“Is this spot okay?” Jack asks as we walk through the park. He’s holding Evee with one arm, the other holding the basket he packed with snacks and drinks. Her diaper bag is over his shoulder as he leads the way past the families enjoying the first beautiful Saturday of June, finding a space in the shade under a big oak tree, our own little private space for an afternoon picnic.
“It’s perfect.” I splay out the blanket we brought, and the only thing Jack would let me carry after I insisted I carriedsomething.
Making sure the blanket is stretched with enough space for the three of us, I sit down, patting the spot across from me for Jack to join me.
He sets Evee down in front of me, smiling in her purple dress and matching sunhat, her sunglasses making me chuckle every time I look at her, the frames too big her face but still the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
