‘Really?’ A teeny tiny glimmer of hope has just made itself known.
Gloria nods. ‘You’ll be fine, and I’ll be the one with the issues.’
I sit back into my seat. ‘Do you think it depends on what the parents were like as teenagers?’
Her hearty laugh fills the carriage. ‘If that is so, Emily, I am in for a shock. My mother had to send me away as I was so bad.’
Jade and Felix turn around to see what we are laughing at. They soon return to their conversation.
Gloria nods. ‘I was sent to live with my grandmother when I was fifteen. My poor parents were beside themselves. Luckily my grandmother was a strong, powerful woman who believed wild teenagers could be tamed through daily housework, strict rules on homework, weeding her overgrown garden and long silences when they couldn’t say anything nice. I soon learnt my grandmother would happily sit in silence all day doing her embroidery while I stomped about her house moaning about all the chores I had to do.’
Looking after Vivi when I was a child was nothing compared to my time with Felix. Maybe I have edited out the bad parts?
‘It’s not easy looking after kids – is it?’
Gloria shakes her head which makes all her box braid beads rustle and clink. ‘It’s hard, but at the same time so much joy can come from it.’
‘Really, Gloria?’ I say in a low voice. ‘There’s not been much joy between me and Felix.’
‘I’m not surprised given what you’ve both been through. You need to go easy on yourselves. Time will help you both to heal. Until then look for the things that bring you both joy and do them… a lot.’
‘Do you think so? I’ve made so many mistakes…’
Gloria lifts her hand and stops me. ‘Stop being hard on yourself. We all make mistakes with parenting when there is no trauma in our lives.Youare parenting in the middle of huge trauma. Let the need to be perfect go.’ She points at Felix who is now laughing his head off at something Jade said. Baxter is asleep in her arms. ‘Your nephew looks happy today.’
I nod and force out a smile.
Gloria leans and whispers. ‘What does your nephew enjoy doing?’
‘Huh?’
‘Does he have any hobbies?’ Gloria asks, studying her leopard-print patterned nails.
That is a tough question. Casting my gaze out of the window and across snow-coated fields I try to rack my brains for Felix’s hobbies. All I can picture is Felix watching ballet with Rory and Felix jumping around with excitement in Vivi’s house because Rory was coming to collect him for football. My heart swells and a little voice from deep inside me whispers,Rory wasn’t that badwhen it came to Felix.
Leaning into Gloria I whisper back. ‘He enjoyed watching ballet DVDs and going to watch the football with my… ex-boyfriend.’
Gloria frowns. ‘Was this the ex-boyfriend who your nephew referred to earlier?’
I nod. ‘Rory and I split up because I didn’t think he wanted to settle down.’
Gloria is listening to me, so I continue. ‘When my sister died, I knew my life had to change and I didn’t think it was fair for Rory to alter his life too. He was also going through something.’
‘What do you mean?’
I dig my fingers deep into the train seat. ‘He was always going out partying with this woman from his office. I trusted him completely, but I did feel left out. He swore there was nothing going on. She knew someone from his university days, so they had a connection. I just thought it was cruel of me to keep our relationship going when I needed to focus on sorting out Felix and grieving for my sister — and Rory clearly had other priorities.’
She nods. ‘Well, it certainly sounds sensible but why do I sense your heart doesn’t agree with your head’s plan?’ I watch her left eyebrow arch at me.
A smile finds its way onto my face.
Felix’s voice makes me jolt. ‘Aunty Emily still loves Rory. She’s always checking out his Facebook page, she gets angry when she sees his new girlfriend and she’s sad without him.’
Gloria turns to Felix with a startled look. ‘Is that so, young man?’
Felix nods. ‘Aunty Emily says Rory wouldn’t have made a good father, but I disagree.’
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Jade gazing longingly at Felix.
