‘Crikey you’ve been in the wars.’
The man chuckles. ‘That head bandage you’ve got is impressive.’
‘I got pushed into a ticket barrier headfirst. By accident, I’m pretty sure – I don’t think anyone did it on purpose.’
I watch the man’s eyes widen with horror as he stares at my head.
‘Did you give your son the red card for that nasty tackle?’
The man laughs. ‘No, he’s a great kid and, like I say, it was a bloody good tackle. If only my old knee had not decided to throw a hissy fit. He’s just got back into his football after not playing for ages. Last year he lost his confidence and decided to give it up. I struggled seeing him so down. Last couple of weeks I have been made up seeing him play in matches and score goals.’
He carries on talking about how his boy has turned around the fortunes of his local club. All I can think about is the time before Felix confided me about his ballet. Vivi had been worried about him. She’d invited both me and Emily over for dinner to try to work out why Felix was so glum. Emily suggested she contact his schoolteacher. Vivi put her head in her hands and said she was at the end of her tether. She believed someone was bullying Felix and had started collecting him from the school gate so that she could survey the other boys around him. Felix’s sad state continued, and I remember me and Emily became concerned too. I hated seeing his little sad face and the sight made me want to reach out and hug him. I can still remember the day Felix told me about his secret. Watching his troubled facial expression evaporate as I told him I would sort him out some ballet lessons made me feel amazing. He smiled for the first time in months. Seeing it made me lift him into the air and let out a cheer.
‘You don’t think I’m weird,’ Felix asked me once I had put him back down on the floor.
‘No, I think you are amazing for wanting to follow your dreams.’ Those were the words I wished I’d said to Lawrence when he was younger and started dancing. When someone close to you dies, you find yourself wanting to go back in a time machine and make more of their key moments in their life. Even now, I still find myself wishing I’d told Lawrence I loved him. Back then I had teenage coolness to maintain. You didn’t gush over your siblings back then and I also had to make sure no one saw me entering a ballet school with my younger brother. Back then being spotted going into a ballet school would have been social suicide for me. I think all Lawrence got from me was an encouraging nod and a shove into the building when it was time for his lessons.
Felix wrapped his skinny arms around me. ‘I like you, Rory.’
Gradually we all started to see a new Felix emerge. One with a huge ear-to-ear smile and one who told everyone how great it was to go and watch the football every Saturday with Rory.
Taking out my phone I tap into the photos I have of Felix. There are so many and, when I’m sad, I often take them out and smile at his mischievous grin. My chest aches as I flick through the photos of him having a piggyback on my shoulders along the beach, us two outside the ballet school eating packets of Quavers after his lesson and us two laughing at the camera, against a brilliant blue sea and a golden beach. I miss you, Felix. I have missed you as much as I have missed Emily. Towards the end of the album, I come across a photo I took of him leaping into the air during one of his ballet lessons. I’m not even sure he’d been taught to leap like a gazelle, but he did it anyway. Luckily, I’d had my phone ready as he launched himself into the air. A tingling sensation is travelling up my spine as I stare at the photo. Felix has a dreamy, goofy smile on his face as he reaches for the ceiling, his legs stretched out behind him. In the background I can see Denise, the ballet teacher, stood open mouthed and staring wide eyed at Felix. We all knew Felix had something special back then. I know he won’t have returned to his ballet classes. He won’t have told Emily about his love of dance either. The thought of all his talent going to waste brings tears to my eyes.
Lawrence gave up ballet six months after taking it up. He loved to dance, but hated performing in front of others. I also got the feeling that being the only boy ballet dancer amongst all those girls made him the centre of attention, which he’d have despised as it showed just how shallow they were. Lawrence was happier dancing away to himself in an old car park where no one was watching him. My little brother could really dance. He was nimble on his feet and could stretch his legs above his head while laughing at me. However, he was a quiet, shy kid and preferred his own company.
Felix is different and I know, if Lawrence were still alive, he would agree with me. With Felix its more than just dancing. It’s like magic happens when he dances. Felix makes you go into a trance-like state when he glides across the floor. He doesn’t seem to mind who is watching him when he dances.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and bringing me out of my head. It’s Anna.Do you think you’ll be kept in or discharged?
I reply that I am about to have a scan and hopefully will confirm soon.
She texts back.I do need to talk to you
What am I doing here in London with Anna? Before today the last time I spoke to Anna was the day after Emily had told me she wanted us to split up. I was hungover and a mess after embarking on an all-night drinking binge to soothe my broken heart. Anna was shocked to learn that Emily and I had broken up. She commiserated with me in a bar booth, bought a few drinks and then she said a few things which irritated me so much, I ended up leaving her in the bar and storming off to Leeds. Anna had leaned over and said, ‘Maybe it’s for the best you and Emily have split up, Rory, as you have never struck me as the settling down type.’ She stroked the edge of her wine glass and followed it up with, ‘I know our timing has not been great but maybe this is a chance for us… to… you know.’
Emily had said the same thing in her break up speech, about how I wasn’t the settling down type and how I might want to consider starting a relationship with Anna in view of the amount of time I was spending with her. Those comments made me angry for months. They still echo in my head. Even now I can feel irritation and frustration bubbling away inside of me.
‘We could be waiting here all night,’ sighs the man in front of me. ‘Penny for your thoughts.’
I forget he’s a stranger and talk out loud. ‘You know when people assume something about you which is wrong, and it really pisses you off.’
The man laughs. ‘All the time. Last Christmas my partner wrongly assumed I had issues with her booking a girlie holiday to Spain. I have no idea why she thought I was some arsehole of a partner who would try to tell her what she could and couldn’t do. I mean, the thought of her going away for seven days, leaving me and the kids to relax and make the house a mess, was my idea of bliss. She opened her Christmas gift from me, saw that I’d paid for her ticket and accommodation. She had to spend the rest of the day eating humble pie. This Christmas she thinks I don’t know about her being pregnant again with our third child and that if I did know I would apparently be cross as we can’t really afford another kid. Once again, she’s assumed wrong. The eldest child can’t keep a secret and told me. I was over the moon. Once again, my partner will see the error of her ways when she opens up her Christmas gift.’ He grins. ‘You have to prove them wrong. Merry Christmas.’
I look up to see a cheerful nurse at my side. ‘Hello, Rory – let’s get you scanned.’
As she wheels me towards the scan room I shout to the man with the swollen knee, ‘Same to you. What are you getting for her Christmas then?’
I hear him chuckle. ‘A silver heart-shaped framed photo of her secret scan picture and a new cot for the little one.’
‘That’s so nice,’ says the nurse as I try to dismiss the warm, tingling feeling which is engulfing me.
CHAPTER32
RORY
I’m back in my cubicle and bored out of my brain. The last time I asked a nurse for the time it was three in the morning. I have been here hours.
Sidney, the A&E doctor, enters the cubicle with an impressive swish of the green curtain. He comes to stand by my chair. ‘The scan results will be with your GP in about a week or so. You need to rest after a knock to the head like that and can take paracetamol for the pain. Use an ice pack regularly for the next few hours, it will help reduce the swelling.’
