Lawrence died in such a horrible way, lying in Mum’s crumpled car, with me screaming beside him, that it has been comforting to hear he had such an amazing couple of months leading up to his death. A reassuring feeling takes hold of me as I recall Anna’s wild and wacky tales about her friendship with my little brother in their university halls of residence.
‘Who would have thought my little brother, who rarely left his bedroom as a teenager, would turn into a party animal. I’m so pleased you were in his life. Cheers. Mum gets too emotional when I talk about him. I tried to tell her a few months ago about some of your tales but she got upset. Emily would freak out if she knew I was in the passenger seat of the car when Lawrence lost control of the car.’ Guilt wraps itself around my chest and squeezes. ‘I should have taken control of the car and stopped us from flipping into that field.’
Anna leans across the table. ‘Rory – stop it! We’ve talked about this. The crash happened so fast. You couldn’t have done anything.’
We both take a sip of our drinks and find interesting marks on the wooden table to stare at. I sense there’s something on Anna’s mind as she keeps avoiding my gaze. ‘Are you all right?’
She stares at me. ‘Rory, there’s something I need to tell you.’
With a chuckle I ask, ‘Do you have any more memories of Lawrence, because right now I could do with a giggle?’
In a second my mind whisks me back to our first meal after work where Anna talked nonstop about her friendship with Lawrence. I remember sitting in a Thai restaurant laughing at her tale of the university pub crawl where she and Lawrence dressed up as pirates and both got so pissed by the end of the night, they kept having drunken pretend sword fights on top of pub tables. When Lawrence and I were kids, he was crap at any kind of play fighting. I would always win. Both Anna and Lawrence got thrown out by the bouncers. Feeling mischievous, they convinced a mermaid and a merman to swap outfits with them. Lawrence needed someone like Anna in his life. She claims they were only best friends and there was no romantic connection between them. I can’t believe my little brother didn’t make a move on Anna. He loved girls with long, dark hair.
I watch her put her hands on either side of her face. ‘Rory, I don’t know how to say this.’
‘What?’ Anna has probably come to tell me that she and Lawrence had a relationship. Yes, that’s it. I would be proud of Lawrence if he managed to pull Anna. Lawrence didn’t have many girlfriends before he went to university. We all put it down to his shyness.
Her eyes are pink and watery. ‘I had such a crush on you when you brought Lawrence to ballet. Every Saturday I would ignore Mum’s ballet lesson and stand by the barre watching you.’
I grip onto the table until my knuckles turn white.
‘When I went to university, I saw you and your mum come to visit Lawrence. You were even more handsome than when I saw you at Mum’s ballet classes.’
My shoulders and neck have tensed. I’m not sure I want to hear this.
‘So, when Mum said earlier this year that you’d started coming again with a young lad I tracked you down on Facebook and as luck would have it, I got a job where you worked.’
My gut has just rotated one way and is now performing the same manoeuvre in the other direction, leaving me with a horrible queasy sensation.
Anna lowers her head and stares at the table. ‘Rory, I want you to know that I did what I did because I have been in love with you for so many years.’
‘Anna, we’ve talked about this. I only want to be your friend.’
She nods, still looking down into her drink. ‘I have to tell you. Mum says I have to be honest with you.’
‘About what?’
‘I did go to the same university as Lawrence but…’ Her voice fades. She takes out a ball of tissues and dabs at her cheeks. ‘Lawrence and I were never close.’
My heart is pounding against my rib cage. ‘What do you mean?’
Lifting her head, she stares at me with a tear-stained face. ‘I made up all those stories about me and Lawrence. He said hello to me once or twice, that was it.’
Time has come to a shuddering halt. All the air in my lungs has just evaporated. A crushing sensation has taken over my chest.
With a sniff she says, ‘I thought by telling you the stories you’d want to be with me instead of Emily.’
‘Why would you do that?’ I croak, feeling like a prize-winning idiot for believing her stories about Lawrence, for spending so much time listening to her fictional memories that Emily had to endure her sister dying on her own and ended our relationship because she thought I was a two-timing wanker. For goodness’ sake, why didn’t I question what was coming out of Anna’s mouth? When Lawrence and I went out to the pub we sat right at the back and almost out of view because he didn’t want to bump into anyone and make small talk. My brother hated talking trivia with strangers. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I query whether Lawrence had somehow had a personality transplant the second he stepped into his university halls of residence. He also never mentioned a close friend called Anna. The only people he ever talked about were his Dungeon & Dragons club members.
‘Rory, I’m so sorry. When you texted me earlier about being in London, I knew I had to tell you. Mum said it was the right thing to do.’
I shoot up, knocking my chair over. ‘Sorry, but I have to leave.’
She grabs my arm. ‘Rory – please stay, you’ve got a nasty bump to your head.’
I bat her away. ‘Sorry, Anna, I have heard enough. Please don’t ever contact me again.’
She follows me out of the café and onto the street. ‘Rory, I love you.’
