He gazes up at me with a familiar intensity. In a flash I’m whisked back to the night he was born and while Vivi was being cleaned up, I got to hold my little nephew, Felix, and whisper how I already loved him so much. His hazel eyes stared back at me in the same way.
Since Vivi died I’ve lost sight of Felix being that same precious baby who Vivi brought into the world. The little baby who restored our faith in life and love.
Mum had been dead over a year when Felix arrived in the world. She’d died alone after a huge drinking and drug-taking binge in a hotel room. It was the day after she’d screamed at Vivi and me, telling us she’d never loved us and wished we’d died in the woods all those years ago. Vivi and I held hands as she tried to hurt us once more. After her outburst we walked away, still holding hands, and it was then we made a pact that we would do whatever it took to make sure our future children’s lives would always be filled with love.
Gulping back a wave of emotion and guilt, I think back to how I threw myself into dressmaking when Vivi died, leaving Felix to fend for himself. I was so wrapped up in my grief and my lack of confidence in being able to raise Felix.
He tugs on my arm. ‘You don’t think I’m weird.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I think you’re great.’
‘Aunty Emily,’ he says, as I pop Baxter down and return Felix’s hug. ‘Can I just call you Emily from now on?’
Well, that’s a surprise. But he’s hugging me, so it’s not because he hates me.
He rests his head on me. ‘You’re more than an aunty to me.’
Bending down to his level I blink away juicy tears. ‘Felix, I know I’ve not been present since I moved in with you. It was easy to lose myself in my dressmaking. Your mummy was the best sister anyone could have had and losing her felt like a piece of me had been removed. I want you to know that from now on I will be here for you. You will be my priority and I will do what it takes to make our home a happy one.’
Felix smiles. ‘I’m going to try and be a good boy when we get home.’
I pull him against me again, and we rock back and forth until he starts giggling and his T-shirt has soaked up my tears. ‘Felix, we’re going to make a good team,’ I sob. This boy is going to be shocked at how much change I am going to make to his little life.
‘I know,’ he says. ‘Please don’t cry, Emily.’
Wiping my damp cheeks, I smile at him. ‘I might not be as good at child-rearing as your mummy, but I am going to try my best.’
Felix giggles. ‘Take some cooking lessons?’
I playfully wrestle him onto the sofa until he’s roaring with laughter.
We sit back up and hold hands. With his thumb Felix catches a stray tear of mine. ‘Rory’s not coming back – is he?’
Releasing him I gaze into his round hazel eyes and smooth his hair down. ‘No, he isn’t, and that’s all right.’
Felix nods. ‘I’ll always love him.’
‘I know,’ I say, kissing him on the cheek. ‘I’ll always love Rory too.’
Tom comes over with a bag of croissants. ‘Sit down both of you – let’s eat.’
We all sit down and bite into fluffy croissants. Tom tears a piece of his and before he puts it in his mouth, he holds my gaze. ‘Rory told me about how you and your sister were in the newspaper. Something about surviving two days in a forest as little children.’
My cheeks are growing warm. Felix is staring in amazement at me. Vivi clearly never told him. ‘Yes, that’s right.’
‘Wow,’ exclaims Tom, ‘were you playing in the forest and get lost?’
I shake my head. ‘One day our mother decided she didn’t want us, so she took us to the forest and left us there.’
Tom’s mouth has fallen open in shock. ‘How old were you?’
In my head a memory is playing. It’s of our mother taking Vivi out of her car seat and popping her down next to me. I remember grabbing hold of Vivi’s tiny hand as we watched our drunken mother stagger back into the car and drive away. A part of me back then was relieved we were free of her. Vivi looked up at me with a terrified expression and I smoothed down her red hair and told her we were going on an adventure. ‘I was seven and Vivi was four.’
‘That must have been scary. How did you survive?’
Felix has gone quiet. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him?
‘I made us a den inside an old tree which had fallen over. It had a hollow inside and was perfect for us to use as shelter. Before we were dropped off at the forest, I had stolen a packet of biscuits from the cupboard, they were shoved up my sleeve. I also collected berries for us to eat and found a little stream we could drink from.’
