We both go silent and listen to the crunch of our feet on fresh snow.
‘Emily.’ Felix taps me on the arm. ‘When you first met Rory how did you know he was going to be your boyfriend?’
Every day some of the things Felix comes out with manages to shock me. He sounds like nine going on thirty-five at times, I shoot him a puzzled expression. ‘Wow – that’s a big question. Why do you ask?’
He casts me a blank expression like it’s just a random question, but I can’t help noticing two spots of pink blossoming on his cheeks. ‘I was just wondering.’
My mind whisks me back to the first couple of dates with Rory; the surfing lesson, the rock-climbing wall and the nineties roller disco. Everything with Rory felt different. There was no urgency to kiss or hold hands. I don’t think he kissed me until our fourth date. We talked a lot on our dates although probably too much during the surfing lesson and on the rock-climbing wall, and we got told off by the instructors. Rory was the first man I’d met who wanted to get know me as a person before the romance started. ‘Well, our dates didn’t feel like dates. More like two good friends having a laugh.’
‘Really?’ I can see Felix’s furrowed brow through his coppery hair.
‘Yes. Friendship is really important to me.’ I take Felix’s hand. ‘Why do I sense there is something on your mind?’
He blows out the air inside his cheeks. ‘Jade, the girl on the train yesterday, wants to know whether I want to be her boyfriend. She emailed me last night to ask me and again this morning to see whether I had made a decision.’
I try to stifle my gasp and suppress my look of horror. They’re both nine years of age and only met on a train to London for an hour or so. My goodness, Jade is a fast mover. I’m not sure I had the confidence at nine to even talk to a boy on a train let alone email him that evening and ask him out. Children are growing up fast these days. Panic courses through my veins – if this is what kids are like at nine, what will they be like in the teenage years? ‘Well, what do you think?’ I say, forcing out a fake smile.
Felix points at my face. ‘You’re not really smiling, Emily.’
‘Tell me what’s on your mind?’
He casts me a worried look. ‘I think Jade only wants me to be her boyfriend just so that she can see Baxter a lot.’
‘Yes,’ I nod. ‘She was obsessed with Baxter. It was a bit awkward when her mother had to order her to hand Baxter to us. You know what Felix, I agree. She does want to see more of Baxter but… she could still be a good friend to you. Why don’t you ask her if she wants to be friends? We could invite her over and you can go play football with her on the beach.’
A look of relief passes over Felix’s face. ‘She does make me laugh.’
‘So, what are you going to do?’
He lets out a little cheer. ‘I’m going to tell Jade we will have more fun being friends.’
The station has come into view. I can’t see many people hurrying towards it. Maybe the snow has caused trains to be cancelled? The thought of being stuck in Leeds over Christmas with Tom and his gigantic mound of toilet roll and no Rory fills me with dread.
I return to the conversation. ‘Do you want a girlfriend?’
‘Amelie is the one girl I would want as my girlfriend but…’ His voice trails off.
‘But what?’
He exhales. ‘Amelie and I have stuff to do as friends. Next year when she has an extra-long skipping rope, she wants me to tie one end to my bike so I can pull her along on her new rollerskates. She wants to be a water skier, but without being on the water.’
Every muscle inside me clenches with fear. I recall Vivi asking me to do the same when we were kids, and that game did not end well. I hurtled down our old steep driveway on my bike with her tied behind on roller skates. Neither of us predicted the neighbour’s cat, Twinkle Toes, would step out in front of my bike causing me to make a sharp left turn. To my horror Vivi sailed past my bike and went smack into the wall of the house. She had to be peeled off the wall by me and put on the sofa for the rest of the day, covered in antiseptic cream. Guilt for agreeing to that silly and reckless game consumed me for weeks. Vivi didn't care and wanted to do it again once the cuts on her face, chest and legs healed. ‘Don’t agree to that game, Felix. I played it with your mum, and it still gives me nightmares.’
‘You sound like Sai,’ chuckles Felix.
I pull us to a stop. ‘Felix, you’ve got the rest of your life to find someone special. Why don’t you enjoy being friends with Amelie and Jade?’
He smiles. ‘Relationships are stressful – aren’t they?’
With a laugh I ruffle his head. ‘Yes, relationships are stressful. You know you can talk to me about anything – don’t you?’
‘I know.’ He hangs his head.
I pull him into a hug, making sure I don’t knock Baxter off his blanket throne. ‘No more secrets. I am going to make sure I’m not so busy when we get home so we can talk more.’
When we break apart, he takes out his phone. ‘There’s something else I haven’t told you.’
I take a lungful of chilly wintry air and brace myself for another of Felix’s revelations. In my head I pray this secret does not entail buying something on my credit card or running away again.
