For a few minutes I stand and reflect on what he’s said. He’s right. Whenever grief has come to me, I have refused to let it in. My fascination with Anna’s fabricated stories about Lawrence was a distraction. If I lost myself in her tales about her close friendship with Lawrence I didn’t have to think about the night he died, the suffocating guilt I experienced as I listened to the paramedics telling me they’d done all they could to save Lawrence but it was too late, and the sounds of my parents weeping downstairs as I lay upstairs in my old bedroom wondering what the hell had happened to my little brother.
Talking to Emily about Lawrence would have been like opening the door to my grief. I chose not to as I didn’t want to think about Lawrence. How I wish now I had told her about Lawrence. She is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. The last two years with her have been amazing. We had so much fun, and I got to know Vivi and Felix as well.
The old man points to my chest. ‘Your brother lives on inside of you. That’s something you haven’t come to understand yet.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘The people we love take up residence inside of us. They never leave us. Your brother is inside of you and it’s clear he’s trying to make you see things. Perhaps you should start to listen to what your brother is telling you. He wants you to reconnect with your girlfriend.’
The thought of Emily makes my fingers locate the golden locket deep inside the pocket of my shirt and a warm feeling races up my spine.
‘Is there any chance you and your girlfriend could work things out?’
I take out the locket and it glistens in the pale, early morning light. ‘This locket belongs to my girlfriend. I have made this trip from Leeds to give it to her. It was a birthday gift her sister had bought for her before she died. This journey I have been on has made me realise how much I love her.’
A huge smile breaks across the man’s face. ‘Well, what are you waiting for?’
Carefully I place the locket back inside my pocket. ‘Thank you.’
An ache radiates out from my chest, and it hits me. Both Emily and Felix are my future. I know I have been a prize-winning idiot over Anna, and I know I let Emily down, but I now know Emily is the only woman I will ever love and being a father figure to Felix will bring me so much happiness.
He extends his hand. ‘It was great to meet and talk to you. Good luck on your journey and don’t forget, the next time grief comes to your door, invite it in and look at what it’s brought you.’
‘Merry Christmas.’
He gives me a wave as I hurry through the cemetery towards the exit. As I am about to step out onto the road I stop. Vivi is in that cemetery. Turning around I hurry back inside. Her stone is over to the far left near the large oak tree.
‘Hey, Vivi,’ I say, bending down to clear the snow away. Standing up I take out the locket. ‘I did what you asked. I bought Emily the locket you wanted her to have. Today I am going to give it to her, and I know it will bring back that beautiful smile of hers which disappeared the day you left us.’ Snowflakes dance and twirl before my eyes. ‘Vivi, I am going to repair the damage I caused before you died.’
I manage to flag down a taxi. As the taxi crawls through the slushy, snow-lined Brighton streets, I rub my chest to try to slow down the feeling of excitement inside of me,
It’s brilliant to be back in this fabulous city and even better that I am a few minutes away from seeing Emily again. The taxi turns onto the seafront. On one side of the road, I can see the dark strip of sea hemmed in by a snow-covered beach and on the other side twinkly Christmas lights, glowing hotel entrances and shops lit up by colourful festive decorations. This time last year Emily and I walked hand in hand looking out across the wintry seafront and made plans; we talked about all the countries we wanted to visit, the places in the world we wanted to live, the life goals we wanted to achieve and our career opportunities, and when we were tired of sounding like adults, we giggled like school kids over our excitement for Christmas. Oh, Emily, I can’t wait to take you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. I want to apologise to you for making you think I was being unfaithful to you. I want to sit you down and tell you about Lawrence. When I am finished, I want to hug Felix and persuade him to dance for us. I want to promise to make his ballet dream come true.
Vivi’s house is a red-brick Victorian house a few streets away from the seafront. With a pounding heart I pay the taxi driver and walk up the path. Raising my hand, I knock on the door and hold my breath.
CHAPTER37
EMILY
Felix, Baxter, and I are on the train to London. It left Leeds over an hour ago. We have managed to get a window seat which I know is going to be both a blessing and curse. It will provide a distraction from the Christmas party atmosphere in our carriage, due to the raucous family opposite, all dressed in loud Christmas jumpers and singing carols… badly, at the tops of their voices. However, the dramatic scenes of the snow blizzard outside will also fill us with horror.
I am busy unpacking the contents of my handbag onto the plastic table. Baxter is watching me from the table with what looks like an irritated expression. I get the feeling he liked his rucksack throne. My phone has disappeared. ‘Felix, have you seen my mobile?’
He shakes his head and opens his rucksack. ‘I’ll check my bag.’
Anxiety makes my hands tremble as I check all the pockets of my handbag. I can’t lose my phone. Nausea churns inside my tummy. All the pockets are empty. ‘Oh, God, I’ve lost my phone, Felix.’
Baxter barks from his seat on top of the table as I stand up to check my coat and the seat. Felix looks at me with dismay. ‘It’s not in my bag either. Where did you last have it?’
Sitting back down and screwing up my face I try to remember last having my phone. ‘Well, I sat and timed Tom taking Baxter out to the toilet earlier.’
Felix giggles. ‘Why did you time them both?’
‘Before our journey I didn’t really get on with Baxter but over the last twenty-four hours I think we’ve bonded. Anyway, this morning Tom offered to take him outside for his morning poo. Can you believe I was so worried about tiny Baxter getting stuck in a snow drift I sat and timed Tom. If he was longer than ten minutes with Baxter I was going to go out and search for them.’ Clamping my forehead, I let out a wail. ‘I left my phone on Tom’s coffee table. That’s where it is.’
I can feel the train slowing down. Anxiety courses through my veins. We can’t even see out of the window now as the snow is so bad. ‘Why did I leave my phone in Leeds when the weather is dire, I won’t be able to call anyone to tell them we are stuck. Lizzie and Bill will worry, and customers might be trying to contact me if their dress doesn’t fit or hasn’t arrived.’
‘Rory will send it back,’ sighs Felix. ‘Don’t worry, we have your iPad.’
